If you’re 14 years old, male and constantly aroused, you might want to start investing in some breath mints.

Because Megan Fox is single. She’s definitely single. Yes, we know that Megan Fox broke off her engagement to Brian Austin Green last week, which usually denotes a certain amount of singleness, but now Megan Fox has moved her stuff out of his house, too.

And you know what that means? It means that Brian Austin Green, having lost the most attractive person he’ll ever get the chance to be with, is now officially the new Jennifer Aniston. Have fun with that, Brian.

We might be being naive here, but we always thought that Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green made the perfect couple. They were just so right for each other. Megan Fox gave Brian Austin Green the sensation that he was the luckiest anonymous man on the planet, while in return Brian gave Megan a number of plug sockets throughout his house for her to charge up her cyborg batteries whenever the motors in her face that make her pout got a bit run down. You see? Perfect.

But all was clearly not well with Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green, because last week Megan broke off their engagement. Whatever the reason for the split, we’re told that it was completely amicable and that they remain friends, still doing perfectly normal friend things together.

For Megan Fox we’ll assume this means that she still talks to Brian Austin Green on the phone, visits his son to maintain a facade of stability and lets him know that, whatever happened between them, the time they spent together still means a lot to her. And for Brian Austin Green we’d imagine this means staying awake all night crying, licking whatever photographs of Megan Fox he finds lying around and scratching the word ‘WHY?’ on his chest with an unfolded paperclip hundreds of times.

Because it’s definitely over. Megan Fox has moved all her stuff out of the house they shared and everything. Radar Online reports:

Recently breaking up with fiance Brian Austin Green, it was only a matter of time that Megan Fox moved her things from the home they have shared since they started dating in 2004. Yesterday, outside Green’s home, a very large moving container was spotted around the corner. The Smartbox looked filled and ready to cart away the remnants of Fox’s belongings.

There’s no word on where Megan Fox will go now that she’s officially moved out of home. She can’t really move back in with her parents, because they’ll soon tire of all the teenage boys sitting on their doorstep masturbating all the time. She can’t live with other people, because it’s guaranteed that they’ll have all rigged her bedroom and bathroom with hidden cameras hooked up to pay-per-view subscription websites. And she definitely can’t live by herself, because we get the feeling that Megan Fox will shrivel up and die the moment that she stops getting any male attention whatsoever.

Oh well, maybe that lesbian stripper will have Megan Fox back. That’d be an option.

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The lady from Transformers has announced that her engagement is over. We suggest all 14-year-old boys take a moment to breathe before reading any further.

Statfacts: 44% of people watching the Transformers movie wanted to run their fingers through Shia LaBeouf‘s beautiful hair. 48% wanted an hour alone with Megan Fox, a cupful of honey and Megan Fox’s four most beautiful girlfriends. The other 8% wanted to become a Decepticon and shoot their history teacher up his bum.

Congratulations, 48%, your dream edges closer to reality.

Megan Fox has about four hundred tattoos, including some pretentious poetry, a dead lady’s face, more pretentious poetry and the name of her fiancee. One of these tattoos is this morning looking around nervously and getting together a hurried resume.

Metaphorically, you understand. At least we hope so, because the thought of tattoos with moving eyes and the ability to type is even creepier than Michael Jackson’s collection of self-reverential art.

Anyway, point is this: Megan Fox has dumped her fiancee, which at least means she can now focus all of her energies into crafting a really intricate and moving depiction of the struggle between mankind and machine which may actually be how life on this planet one day ends. Or, you know, stand around screaming while some cars get blown up. It’ll be that one, won’t it?

After being engaged for more than two years, the would-be Lara Croft and will-be Mikaela Banes has decided she’s had enough of Brian Austin Green hanging round, feeding off her fame and not taking the bins out when he said he was going to. So she’s dumped the poor spod. An insider tells Us magazine:

The relationship had run its course. It’s completely amicable and they are remaining friends. They are now both focusing on their careers.

Well that’s fine for you Megan Fox, with your contract to a successful movie franchise and your stripper girlfriends, but what about Brian Thingy Something? He’s already hit the highpoint of his career, and that was playing the guy who stuffed Screech into a locker on Saved By The Bell, The College Years.

Remember when you used to go round to his parents house with him and they would ask you who the young chap was you’d brought with you? That is his life from now on.

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