There’s nothing that randomly brings two totally opposite people together like a bit of Tolstoy.

You know, a friendly dialogue over the falsities of society entangled throughout Anna Karenina, a little chat over motifs of enigmatic love and philosophies of death in War and Peace – it happens every day. No, really. Just ask Mel Gibson and Britney Spears. These two were all chummy-like over dinner at a Russian restaurant over the weekend that has a unique selection of Russian books on the premises.

You see, Mel Gibson is trying to help Britney Spears, so of course they got together for an evening of laughs and Russian literature. And everyone knows that it takes one sometimes embarrassingly drunken nutter to save another sometimes embarrassingly drunken nutter. 

We once had a bit of a crush on Mel Gibson during our formative years. There may have been a time when we carefully snipped his picture out of magazines and placed them on our bedroom wall in a decorative collage, but we’d never admit it. And to tell you the truth, we probably wouldn’t say no to those dreamy blue eyes today – drunken, racially-charged rants notwithstanding – if he wanted to save us from our own self-destructive behaviour and general state whacked-out insanity. So it’s no wonder Britney Spears has been spending time in the company of Mel Gibson, who reportedly wants to show support and guidance to Brit.  

Of course, nothing romantic between Mel Gibson and Britney Spears is going on. The mere thought of such an idea causes our brain to thrash itself against our skull until it settles into a protective coma-like state. Although, if a romantic connection was happening, we wouldn’t have to find any other topics to write about for weeks. That’s some blogging gold, right there.

But alas, Britney Jean Spears and Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson, who used to be neighbours, dined with family and guests at the Studio City restaurant Romanov in a platonic (i.e. boring) manner, for two hours. A source/sell-out random person who sold a cheese pretzel to one of them had this to say about the meeting: 

“Mel and his wife Robin clearly saw a woman in crisis and wanted to extend themselves in any way possible. There's just a handful of people in the world who understand the kind of intense attention that Britney goes through, and how to raise a family with some semblance of privacy and how to keep one's family intact and out of the limelight. There are no expectations, there is no agenda. It's simply an act of human kindness – one neighbor reaching out to the other." 

That’s sweet of the Gibsons, but two whole hours with Britney Spears? What on earth could Mel Gibson and Britney Spears ever talk about for two hours? Perhaps these two were meeting because: 

1) a Crossroads/Beyond Thunderdome project is in the works. Mel will step in as Tina Turner’s character while Britney takes on Master Blaster with whips made from locks of her shaven hair and her still intact womanly virtue.

2) they are gathering together for strength as the last two surviving people in Hollywood that haven’t converted to Scientology.

3) they’ve been possessed by aliens and are wearing Britney and Mel disguises and meet in secret to plot world domination. Or in other words, they’ve converted to Scientology.   

We're torn between the possible reasons, so we'll just go back to not caring at all. It's what we do best.    

Read more: 

Britney's Surprise Dinner Companion: Mel Gibson - People

Low-key nominees, strike-wrecked scripted banter – honestly, the only thing about the Oscars we were excited about this year was the thought of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston clawing each other's eyes out in public.

And it didn't pissing happen.

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were due to come face to face at an Oscars party for the first time since Brad Pitt ditched one for the other. But Angelina Jolie avoided the clash by doing what we in the trade like to refer to as 'pussying out'. Sad for us, but imagine how Jennifer Aniston feels – she's spent the last month solidly pumping iron to get ready for the encounter. And she never even got to use that fleet of specially-trained winged monkeys, either.

Looking back, quite a lot happened for the most boring Oscars ever. Sure, no films you've ever heard of won anything, but between the Gary Busey neck-attack and the Whoopi Goldberg snub there was plenty on the peripheries to keep us happy. 

Except that the one thing that people wanted to see didn't happen. Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston didn't roll around the floor of an Oscars charity party trying to gouge, strangle and generally kill each other to smithereens.

They were meant to, of course. Way before the Oscars magazine front pages howled in anticipation of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston meeting for the first time since Brad Pitt dumped Aniston for Jolie on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith. The face-off was due to happen at a charity event at the Beverly Hills Hotel on Saturday that both Angelina and Jennifer were due to host, but it seems that Angelina Jolie chickened out before the big event, as OK! reports:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pulled out of an Oscars event at the last minute to avoid a confrontation with Brad's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. The couple, who are expecting their second biological child together, allegedly ditched a pre-Oscar party at the Beverly Hills Hotel on hearing of Jennifer's attendance. Jennifer stood her ground and attended the Night Before event to mingle with a whole host of stars including Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Dillon.

Of course Jennifer Aniston stood her ground – she took the divorce so badly that we wouldn't be surprised if she turned up at the party covered in warpaint with a knife-belt, mace can, retractable police cosh and 32-piece nunchuck set tucked under her blouse. Rumours that Jennifer Aniston was so upset at Angelina Jolie's no-show that she furiously obliterated a particularly big-lipped ice sculpture with her fists in front of Matt Dillon are unconfirmed but, you know, probably a bit true.

To make matters worse, Angelina Jolie ditched the Night Before event to turn up at the Independent Spirit Awards with Brad Pitt and both her unborn children poking out visibly for the first time, not only stealing the limelight from Jennifer Aniston, but managing to stick a sly boot in, too.

But don't think that this is over just because Angelina Jolie wussed out of meeting Jennifer Aniston. Hollywood is a small place, and the two of them will still have to meet at some point. It might not be this week, or this month, or even this decade, but it'll happen. And when it does, no amount of adopted southeast Asian Jolie footsoldiers will be able to stop Jennifer Aniston from taking a swing at Angelina Jolie's skull with that piece of washed-up driftwood with a nail through it that she's taken to carrying round with her.

Read more:

ANGELINA AND BRAD AVOID JENNIFER – OK! 

It's been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn't mean that she's actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part. 

And that'll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it's getting.

It's literally been the marriage break-up that everyone's been talking about, mainly because it stops them thinking about their hollow little dreary lives. Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole had it all – money, glamour, fame, fights with other celebrities, that weird unsubstantiated rumour about mobile phones and bottoms, as much faithful puke-sex as they could wish for, and then it all went wrong.

But then some random woman claimed that Ashley Cole had vomited on her behind Cheryl's back, and all hell broke lose. First Cheryl stuck by Ashley, claiming that she knew of the encounter but she was convinced it wasn't full barfing they did together. Then more and more puke-and-tell stories came out of the woodwork and Cheryl Cole left Ashley, for a bit at least. 

And since then, both Cheryl and Ashley have tried to get on with their lives as best as they can, even though Ashley Cole is now so hated that he gets roundly booed by his own fans during England matches and Cheryl seems to be doing that uncomfortable divorcee thing of going out in hardly any clothes because the attention she gets from dingy weirdo sleazebags validates her slightly inflated sense of self-worth. But that all ends today.

Because today Cheryl Cole flies back to England to have a crisis summit with Ashley, as The Sun reports:

The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife Cheryl tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage. Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand… A friend close to Cheryl said: "She feels she needs to give him a a final hearing. But she knows deep down that there’s nothing more he can say. He is guilty as sin and there is no excuse. She is feeling stronger after time away from him and has done a lot of thinking. Cheryl is ready to listen to him, but on her terms. She has a clear head now after the initial upset. Everyone is just hoping that she will keep her resolve and not wobble when she sees him again."

We've never been so excited about a heartbreaking, potentially marriage ending conversation between two people who we've never met and actually hardly think about on a day to day basis. Will Cheryl Cole's resolve crumble enough for her to take Ashley back? Or will she ditch him for good? We just don't know.

Sorry, there was a typo in that last sentence. The words 'don't know' should have read 'can't bring ourselves to even halfway care about such a desperately unlikeable couple of attention-seeking bastards.'

Read more:

Crunch time for Cole on C-day – The Sun 

Brad Pitt ditched Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie quite some time ago now, and you'd think that the three of them would be starting to think about bygones.

Not a flipping chance. In fact, if current reports are to be believed, Jennifer Aniston is still quite miserable about the whole shebang and blames Angelina Jolie for ruining her entire life.

Which should make for a fun evening on February 23, because that's when all three of them are going to host a charity event in Beverly Hills together. Let's hope it's a charity auction, because they could make a fortune flogging off the clumps of hair and flesh that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will invariably claw off each other about three seconds after clapping eyes on each other.

Here's some friendly advice – don't go out next Saturday night. Stay in. In fact, turn off your gas and electricity at the mains, shut your windows and sit under a table, because there's a chance that the screams of "You BITCH! You stole my husband and RUINED MY LIFE!" coming from Beverly Hills will be loud enough to actually knock aircraft out of the sky.

Because next Saturday Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston will meet for the first time since Brad Pitt ran away with Angelina while he was married to Aniston.

It's a tricky situation that we've all been in at one point or another – bumping into an ex when they're with their new partner. And this is the situation that Jennifer Aniston will find herself in on February 23 when she'll co-host a charity event with Brad and Angelina. But Jennifer's situation is slightly different to yours, because when you split up with your last partner you didn't spend six months snivelling about it on Oprah and your partner's new girlfriend wasn't pregnant with twins when you met. 

And, importantly, OK! magazine hadn't made the scheduled meeting its cover story 10 days before it actually happened. Which it has with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. OK! reports:

“It's been three years since they split," one pal of Jen Aniston reveals to OK! about the actress' divorce from Brad Pitt. "But she's still so far from getting over him, it's tragic.” And on Feb. 23, when Jen, Brad and the woman he left her for,  Angelina Jolie, will all take part in hosting a charity event at the Beverly Hills Hotel, the tension in the room will most certainly be palpable. Sources tell OK! the former Friends star is now gearing up for the moment she'll have to say hello to Angelina or, as she chooses to put it, "that person who ruined my life."

It's bound to be a hard moment for Jennifer Aniston – losing the world's most desirable man must be hard enough to bear, but having to try and maintain a friendly smile in front of him and his new girlfriend because you know that the entire world is waiting for you to crack and go apeshit must be nearly impossible.

But it's important that Jennifer Aniston remembers that she's a clever, attractive women in her own right and that she can totally hold her own in front of Angelina Jolie when they meet. After all, Aniston hasn't exactly been unlucky in love herself lately. Can Angelina Jolie say that she's slept with the funny-looking fat bloke from Fred Claus? No.

No she can't.

Read more:

Cover Story: Angelina's Joy Is Jen's Pain – OK