They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to hospital, but she said – well actually she was fairly unresponsive, so they took her to hospital.

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of our four-billion-part series ‘Amy Winehouse Goes To Hospital For Something That’s Probably Got Something To Do With Drugs.’ In this edition, Amy Winehouse goes to hospital for something that’s probably got something to do with drugs.

Apparently Amy Winehouse was admitted to a clinic on Sunday after reacting badly to medication, and she’s been kept there to undergo tests. Sadly, those tests include the ‘Here’s a picture of a fan, do you sincerely thank them for their support or punch them in the face?’ test and the ‘Is it better to look like a human being or a cave drawing of a rampaging lizardman?’ test, so it looks like Amy will remain in hospital for the foreseeable.

You know how jokers always say that planes should be made out of the same material as their black box recorders? They’re wrong. If planes want to be completely indestructible, they should be made of bits of Amy Winehouse.

True, it’d make air travel noisier, more erratic and far more terrifying – plus all the planes would be so smelly and dirty-looking that everyone would have to coat their seats with newspaper first so as not to catch any sort of horrible disease, but the planes would be indestructible.

And that’s because Amy Winehouse is indestructible. Yes, she might look like an extra from a Popeye Variety Hour spoof of 28 Days Later, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that if you tried to keep up with Amy Winehouse’s lifestyle – the drug overdoses, the fistfights with strangers, the being married to a steaming wazzock – you’d be dead within a week.

Not Amy Winehouse, though. She’s still going strong. Well, not strong, obviously – Amy Winehouse is in hospital because some medication went crazy inside her body – but she’s still going. She’s barely going. Amy Winehouse is barely going. Reuters reports:

Singer Amy Winehouse is in hospital after reacting badly to medication, a spokesman said on Tuesday. The 25-year-old Grammy winner was admitted to a clinic after falling ill on Sunday and has been kept there for tests.

If that sounds familiar, it’s because it is – four months ago Amy Winehouse ended up in hospital for the exact same thing. And in four months’ time it’ll happen again. And again after that. Look, we’re no medical experts or anything, but if your medication keeps making you so ill that you have to keep going to hospital, maybe you should stop taking it. Or, you know switch to Tixylix. Amy Winehouse’s doctors are idiots.

But still, at least Amy Winehouse is in hospital being treated properly for her illness now, and the biggest danger while she’s in there will be withdrawal. No, not her withdrawal from drugs, silly – we’re talking about our withdrawal from seeing paparazzi photos of Amy Winehouse standing on her doorstep in newspapers every single day.

Honestly, if we don’t see a brand new picture of Amy Winehouse dressed up like Mumm-Ra‘s concussed and scabby stepmother every single day, we don’t know what we’ll do. We might have to downgrade to looking at pictures of serious burns victims or something equally meek in comparison. Bleurgh.

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Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to a reaction to some super ultra-mysterious medication, so don’t even try to guess what it is.

But this is good news. No really, it is.

This provides science with empirical evidence about the number of cigarettes and mini bottles of booze cardiac muscle can tolerate, plus Amy gets another punch on her hospital card. One more visit and she gets a free colonoscopy with the purchase of a stomach pumping.

There are certain people in life that make you look at your own life and feel a whole heck of a lot better about yourself by comparison. Such as Jerry Springer guests, Angelina Jolie’s nanny, people who watch any Brad Garrett-related sitcoms, and Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse seems to have created a regular spot in the media for herself, as well as probably a reserved parking spot at the hospital. She was in the hospital last month for about 10 days with what may or may not have been emphysema. Only the creatures living in her beehive know for sure, although some mention of it may have worked its way down to the crusty impetigo lesions as well.

Then, Amy Winehouse got all punchy-punchy on a fan last month during a performance, along with other increasingly erratic behavior, like getting all punchy-punchy on a defenseless chain-linked fence over the weekend.

So what took Amy Winehouse to the hospital this time? The preliminary reports say that Winey had a bad reaction to a medication. But really, who can blame the, ahem, medication for flipping out once inside Winehouse’s body? Calls to the beehive creatures for confirmation were not immediately returned, but her spokes-slave made the following statement:

“Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.”

Kudos to the PR people who have came up with a new vague way to explain Amy Winehouse’s most recent medical incident. Given her history of reported drug use, rehab visits, and hospital vacation stays they should probably have a few more excuses on standby for future use. Those guys might wanna break out the thesaurus for synonyms to ‘overdose’, ‘addiction’, ‘crack whore’ and ‘balls-out crazy’ for some suggestions.

You may have been aware of rumours suggesting that Britney Spears had somehow managed to get pregnant.

Well, relax, because apparently she isn’t. True, Britney Spears might have a bit of a belly on her at the moment, but Britney says it’s just her bipolar medication bloating her stomach out.

But that’s the thing with psychiatric brain medication, isn’t it? Full of carbs. If only Britney Spears was diagnosed with another illness – like some kind of horrific wasting disease or the Ebola virus – instead of bipolar disorder, then they’d be lovely and happy and thin as a rake. No wonder she’s so mental.

As much as we hate to agree with Tom Cruise about anything, maybe in retrospect he did have something of a point about psychiatric medication that time. It doesn’t help anyone.

Look at Britney Spears for example – she’s apparently bipolar and on anti-psychotic pills because she gets so terribly sad all the time. So she takes the pills and stops being sad, but then they bloat out her stomach and make her sad again, so she takes more pills. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. Britney Spears may as well just buy a single hard-to-digest anti-psychotic pill, swallow it, wait a day, fish it out of her bum with her fingers, give it a quick rinse and then swallow it again, because at least that way she’d save a bit of money.

Anyway, the point of all this – if you hadn’t guessed – is that the bloating from Britney Spears’ medication is making people think she’s pregnant, which she says she isn’t. We did have an auxiliary point about Britney Spears eating shitty medicine out of her own arse, but even we forgot where we were going with it, so we’ll move on. According to The Daily Mail:

Britney Spears has denied that she is pregnant with her third child and says that her bloated tummy is simply down to new medication she is taking. The singer spoke out after pictures after pictures published this week showed the star smoking a cigarette with a suspiciously bloated stomach. A source close to the family says that Britney has been struggling with her weight ever since she had her second son Jayden James, 20 months, and the medication has not helped.

Of course Britney Spears isn’t pregnant. Ever since her father became her legal conservator, Britney has barely been allowed to go to the toilet by herself, let alone slip off and have full unprotected sexual intercourse with a human male.

Although, if Britney Spears did somehow manage to get herself pregnant, it’d be interesting to see what the courts made of it. After all, currently Britney Spears isn’t allowed full access to her kids, so we’d be keen to find out at what point the court commissioner decided to send a robotic claw up Britney’s mimsy to rip the unborn foetus out of her womb and give it to the father to raise. Shame we’ll never find out, really.

Read more:

‘I am not pregnant – it is just my medication that makes me bloated’, says Britney – Daily Mail