Hey! Here’s someone who is fat and old – Meat Loaf. He’s always been a big fella, but now he’s getting on a bit, you’d think he might slow down the pace a little in case that heart of his gives up under the strain.

Because he wants to peddle his preposterous operatic stadiums blues to the very last he should carry on?

Well, his body nearly put the scuppers on that, treating him to a nice asthma attack while on-stage in Pittsburgh. Of course, once his crew revived him, he carried on, cheered on by people who think its funny to encourage a needy old man to the point where he dies on-stage. And yes, we’re joining in this macabre spectacle by sharing it with you in the form of a video.

The ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ singer (we’re legally obliged to mention that as well as a joke that ends with “but I won’t do that”, which will come later) was left sparko on his back after fainting during his gig.

He was helped to his feet (presumably by very strong men), which saw him bellowing at his audience:

I fucking fainted. I have asthma, I can’t breathe. And then – oh wait, I forgot – I got poked by a pin and bled half to death and then I got slapped in the face and my tooth is loose.

It seems ol’ Meat will let his body give up on him, but quit a gig? He won’t do that. (See? We told you it was coming).

Anyhoo, watch him looking very sick while doing one of his terrible, terrible songs. Next week, we get to publish the obituary we’ve already written about him.

Possibly.

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What’s your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy? Is it that you’re married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least.

Perhaps it’s that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That’s cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana.

What? Your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp.

Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp is the musical equivalent of signing up for a ride into space with Richard Branson. Like Virgin Galactic it’s for people who have so much money scattered around their abodes they’re on the verge of using £50 notes as bogroll, but in the case of Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp it’s for overgrown adolescent “axe”-wielders rather than overgrown adolescent science geeks.

For around $10,000, punters can sign up to a “camp” at which they can “jam” with superstar rockers, make their own recordings at Abbey Road and perform at legendary venues such as Liverpool’s Cavern Club.

The word “camp” suggests accommodation comes in the shape of an Argos-tented forest clearing in which you have to share a bedroll with Eric Clapton, but in fact you’re expected to sort out your own lodgings on top of the cost of the rock n’ roll funtimes.

One thing’s for sure – the upcoming session of Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp will allow ageing men to jam with some very famous and equally old rock stars. Meat Loaf, Jon Anderson of Yes and Ace Frehley of Kiss have all signed up, meaning men who forwent multimillionaire rock star lifestyles for multimillionaire banker/lawyer lifestyles will be able to compare crow’s feet and discuss haemorrhoid treatments up close and personal with their heroes.

And in case you’re thinking this is just a way of fleecing mid-midlife crisis victims who desperately want to return to a time before they got married, divorced, married and divorced again, you should know that the website promises 10+ hours of jamming a day.

Now, to some people that might suggest the “fantasy” in the package’s title should be replaced with the word “boot”; but there are souls out there – corpulent souls, mainly – who love nothing more than resting a Fender on their paunch and widdling away for hours on end. It’s less exhausting than masturbating these days you see, which comes with those wearisome Viagra-induced highs and lows, and the end result might be a really cool “track” as opposed to a soiled towel.

The London leg of Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp takes place in May 2010, with prices starting at $1,799 for “The Groupie Package”: all the evening activities of the full $10,000 package, but with “transportation to and from cool London sites during the day to make sure your spouse in (sic) enjoying the city”.

Hard to turn down really, the option to label your boring old spouse a groupie for a few days. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s going to do that thing you’ve spent 25 years attempting to get her to try, though.

If the London jaunt is too far away, Hollywood has Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camps in November 2009 and February 2010 – just be aware that your new rock star pals only remain alive by living purely on wheatgrass juice, so you might not want to get your hopes up on the rock n’ roll debauchery front.

This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman of My Chemical Toilet. Him good. It good.

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Meat Loaf has been through a lot in his time – injury, drug addiction, attempted suicide, crooked manager, lawsuits, disease, bankruptcy – but in the end it looks as if it's Newcastle that's done Meat Loaf in.

It's been reported that Meat Loaf has quit music forever, and this is something he apparently decided mid-show in Newcastle on Wednesday night. Mid-song, in fact – as the opening bars to Paradise By The Dashboard Light kicked in, Meat Loaf suddenly decided that he couldn't be bothered to sing for a living any more and trudged offstage. Sure, Meat Loaf's apparent breakdown might sound a little worrying, but if he really has quit music then maybe he can start to concentrate on acting again – and who doesn't want to see more films about man-titted Meat Loaf punching people in a cellar?

Everyone, if they're honest, has asked themselves "why am I doing this?" at one point or another, whether it's about work, a relationship or three seconds after you've just paid for cinema tickets to see Rendition. But Meat Loaf is a larger than life chap, so when he questions his future, he is sure to do it in front of 11,000 confused Geordies who just want to hear Meat Loaf belt out Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are or any other of his identikit blustery songs without spazzing out in the middle bit.

Sadly, though, Meat Loaf couldn't meet those obligations on Wednesday night. Perhaps it was the breathtaking natural beauty of local attraction Jesmond Dene, or the knowledge that he was just a short distance away from the UK's first biotechnology village, or just the fact he was singing ridiculously overblown power-ballad after ridiculously overblown power-ballad to 11,000 powerfully drunk northerners and their nearly-nude Spuggie-alike girlfriends – but something caused Meat Loaf to lose control of his senses.

According to witnesses, Meat Loaf, who had been struggling to hit notes and launching into rambling emotional, if irrelevant, stories between songs, suddenly told the crowd that he would never perform another concert in his life during the opening bars of Paradise By The Dashboard Lights, and then walked offstage into the arms of some St John's Ambulance workers. Or, as Meat Loaf audience member Phil Cammish told The Times:

“[Meat Loaf] started saying ‘This is my last ever gig, this is my last ever song. Thanks for 30 years, I can’t do this anymore’… I saw a man dressed up as Meat Loaf weeping on the steps. Everyone during the gig was commenting that they thought he was plastered. He kept having emotional talks during the gig and telling stories about his children and slurring his words. He was saying things that had nothing to do with the gig. His backing singers had to carry him through most of the songs. He couldn’t finish some of his hits.”

But is this really the end of Meat Loaf's musical career? At the moment nobody knows – Meat Loaf is scheduled to perform at the NEC Arena tonight, but there's still no word about whether the show is still going ahead. Although if Newcastle was too depressing for Meat Loaf we wouldn't hold much hope of seeing him turn up in Birmingham any time soon.

But let's look on the bright side of things here. Although we hope that Meat Loaf is OK, it's heartening to see that a career of frightening egotism, disproportionately bombastic soft-rock anthems and adoration from denim-wearing older ladies with giant permed hair and a fondness for professional wrestling will only end in an embarrassing onstage breakdown.

Because, you know, we've got Rhydian from X Factor earmarked for one of these babies before the year is out.