Everyone knows why Ant & Dec are successful. It’s because ITV keep giving them money to appear on television. Their success is also built on a natural rapport and an overwhelming level of similarity that often leads old people to ask which one is which. No-one really knows.

There are very few double acts that are still going these days, aside from Ant & Dec, there is only really Paddy McGuinness and his delusion who are operating in tandem. Think about it- if you could have any two people to form a double act and be commissioned to make television programmes, who would you want?

If you said anything other than Mark Wright and Dougie Poynter then you clearly have no interest in the future of prime time television.

Yes Mark Wright, former star of ITV2′s The Only Way Is Ego, wants the bigwigs of television to give him and his celebrity chum Dougie Poynter their own TV show.

Mark & “The Other One From McFly” became BFFs during the last series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! although no-one noticed because they all gave up watching after the first episode had aired. Still, it’s quite sweet isn’t it? They’re pals and they want to shove the fact that they’re celebrity lovvies down our throats by subjecting us to some horrific chat/game/mutual masturbation show. Yes, very sweet indeed.

Some contemptible twat who probably writes inane press releases for a living told The Daily Redtop:

“They’re both really active and sporty so a high energy, fun-packed entertainment show would be ideal… Mark and Dougie have a huge fan base, individually and together.”

Hands up if you’re part of that huge fanbase… anyone… no? We see a couple of idiots with permatans and a bad dye-job over in the corner there, frantically gesticulating like John Terry in a zoo but we’ve chosen to ignore them. The risible moron went on to say:

“Most girls fancy them but they also appeal to men as they’ve got the blokey banter.”

There you go, folks! They’re the perfect TV couple. They’re both good looking blokes with shit for brains and penchant for self-flattery. Sign them up while Morecambe & Wise spin in their graves!

Here at hecklerspray, we’re generally less than thrilled when one of our colleagues has any success that we weren’t part of. In fact we hate them and wish them nothing but sorrow on a daily basis.

We generally despise anyone who seems to be doing well or progressing in their career because we’re entirely aware of how useless we really are and that the only difference between us and a 5 year old, is our ability to drink heavily and use spellcheck.

Are we bitter about this?

Of course.

However, someone who isn’t at all bitter about the fact his fellow McFly band member Dougie Poynter won ‘I’m a Celebrity’ this year, is Danny Jones, who celebrated on Twitter by showing everyone what he looks like underneath his clothes, much to the delight of the female hecklerspray staff who haven’t seen naked flesh in over a decade.

Possibly responsible for Dougie’s win, Danny tweeted:

‘Ok I’ll go even better!! If Dougie wins I’m a celeb I will tweet a naked picture

Funnily enough, Dougie won.

So as promised, Danny exposed his body to the world, hiding his penis in a cup which he’ll no doubt autograph in blood and we’ll bid for on eBay.

SO WHERE IS THE DAMN PICTURE?? you whimper…..well you can see it below if you like that sort of thing.

Just remember. God is watching.

Former singer and current one-hit-wonder masquerading as a musical intellectual, Sinitta, has never been lauded for her intelligence or even for her musical talent but her latest move, “sensationally” quitting the ITV anus-fest “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” before she even got as far as the airport.

According to sources, Sinitta was under the impression that the show was a massive hoax, put out by profligate executives who are willing to pay not only the wages of Geordie mafia boys Ant n’ Dec but also fork out for a luxury hotel for the stars to live in while they’re not being filmed.

Silly Sinitta.

Just days before the series is set to launch in front of a bumper audience of SIXTY PEOPLE, Sinitta has pulled out supposedly suffering panic attacks and having ludicrous nightmares about being choked to death by a basilisk-like Simon Cowell while a spider-with-the-face-of-Gary Barlow repeatedly bit her on the kneecap.

These vivid and entirely accurate visions of jungle life caused Sinitta to abandon her Australian jaunt.

Rumours were quickly quashed that Sinitta’s role in the whole “I’m A Celebrity” package was to pull out early because of her phobias, thus convincing the public that the show is real and that the “celebrities” do indeed sleep in hammocks suspended just above the jungle floor. As opposed to in hotels. As we would secretly suspect if we actually cared enough one way or the other.

“Everyone is gutted Sinitta is not doing it.”

Said a source who also revealed that the producers were now terrified that there would be no-one to “do a McKeith” and scream, whine, bitch and moan about every little thing that happens to them in the jungle.

In preparation for the show, Sinitta had covered her house with fake spiders and snakes as she desperately prepared to take on the ‘rhumble in the jungle’. Many are said to be devastated that Sinitta will not be revealing the size of Simon Cowell’s penis during a heart-to-heart with Freddie Starr.

That’s television.

The show will again be hosted by everyone’s favourite “distinctly average couple” Ant and Dec and kicks off its already much maligned run this Sunday.

Who else is going into the jungle? we hear you scream silently. Well, there’s Mark Wright, Dougie Poynter (out of McFly), Lorraine Chase (no idea), Willie Carson and the afore-mentioned Freddie Starr.

We’re simply suicidal at the prospect.

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Expand or Contract?

Folded

• McFly Air Mags – No, not the rubbish popstrels. Marty McFly’s trainers from Back To The Future II EXIST.
• Fictional Products - In response to Marty’s Air Mags, Editor Mof has laid down the gauntlet to our readers, asking you what you’d like to see made reality.
• DeVitomon! – Ever wondered what Danny DeVito would look like as Pikachu? Don’t panic…
• Zero Punctuation – This week, The Escapist’s resident ranter shouts at Deus Ex: Human Revolution which is bloody wonderful.
• hecklerspray on Vimeo - Forgive us for blowing our own trumpet but we’ve finally got our act together and got our arses onto Vimeo. So, every time we make a stupid little video of some guy with an attitude problem or a fat hipster pretending to kick the bucket, you can see it there.

Creased

• Artificial Intelligence – It always just ends up like our postbag. Full of putrid semantics.
• Coventry Telegraph – Their ‘Star Words’ section is the single biggest waste of a click in human history.
• Two & A Half Men – Apparently it’s scaring Ashton Kutcher. We have an idea. Don’t go through with it!
• 364 – Sounds like it could be a good concept but also sounds crushingly tedious.
• Richard Archer (of Hard-Fi) vs. Mark Lawrenson - We were disappointed to find out that it’s not actually a fight.

Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital.

It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach.

Many people have placed bets on her dying before the end of the year due to her body slowly fading away and her apparent ability to always be pictured with a ciggie and a can of Superbrew.

Yesterday saw a couple of people prematurely attempting to cash in that betting slip, but they were wrong to do so – those good people at the NHS managed to fix her up with some sticky tape and drinks straws.

It’s now surfaced that she’s returned to hospital and her ever-suffering father Mitch has told us what caused her freakout. It was indeed an issue with drugs, but not the good kind. Oh no!

Mitch claims that Amy’s drink had been spiked with ecstasy, causing the young crooner to react violently. It has to be said, hecklerspray loves hearing that excuse from pretty much every person who is sick after a weekends drinking (why do you think Stu is off?). Of course the seventeen pints of lager and no food didn’t make you sick. It was a little white tablet that made you look the village idiot. Again.

But did an ecstasy tablet really cause Amy Winehouse to go in to relapse and bring her a bit closer to death? We all have to remember that she eats drugs like Smarties and drinks heroin like Ribena, so surely this wouldn’t have bothered her? If anything, her body was rejecting the drug because it wasn’t up to the usual standard of getting her wasted and reducing her to walking around in her pants.

Normally when Winehouse does get off her tits on pills, crack, heroin or anything else she can wrap her lips around, she starts screeching for dear hubby Blake. It will probably turn out that this time her harpyish screams have been curbed by Blake appearing in her dreams, telling her to battle on. Or something like that. She’s sure to make up some crap, so long as it isn’t straightforward or normal.

A source told the pack of journalists permanently outside Amy Winehouse’s (wine)house:

“Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink – and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to have a fit.”

This is just another story in the long line of drug related problems for Winehouse. For her it’s just becoming more like real life, and if anything we want to see another celebrity from the world of music flip out like a crazy fool on drugs. Remember the moon face man from Keane? He tripped off his man tits on the old white powder, apparently, but still managed to remain totally dull.

We hope Dougie from McFly is a secret glue sniffer, or at least a fan of poppers. He’s in a band, so they must have done something extreme apart from give their album away in the Sunday Mail. Or is that classed as hard for them?