McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature.

Before you all think we must have got food poisoning off them once and subsequently hate Ronald McDonald, we don’t. Honestly, their advertising is just complete and utter pants. Nowadays, they have improved, but we’re still unconvinced that farmers hug all the cows before slashing their throats.

This time we’re travelling back to merry old 1978 where everyone in this advert seemed to be quite posh. Maybe McDonald’s wanted us to believe that people with class dined in their restaurants and not just scummy kids who’d steal the free straws, napkins and packets of sauce. Contain yourself, it’s after the jump…

First of all, we’ve never seen a fast food restaurant plonked so close to a river/canal/pond/ocean. Unless this is in a fancy area likes Cannes, then the idea of having floating McDonalds never really took off. The bloke on the jetski seems like he’d prefer to dine on deer and drinks dragon’s blood. But no, instead he chomps on the common person’s burger. Though we think he is comparing the lady in the advert to a Big Mac. The pervert.

So what is it about a Big Mac that keeps on making you come back? The child in the commercial seems to think it’s the sesame seed on top of the bun. If you’re reading this small child of the 70’s, it could be time to let you in on a little secret. It’s not the seeds. If the seeds are what kept you coming back, you’d probably retain some sort of normal body shape. Instead, 31 years later, there’s a good chance that all your return visits to McDonalds’s probably mean that you can no longer support your own weight and you constantly sweat processed cheese. That’s a lot of seeds.

McDonald’s also seemed to have crafted the world’s biggest burger for this advert. Couples, however, don’t seem to stop and stare at the giant mass of meat, bread and sauce that’s baring down in front of them, almost like a giant alien creature that’s coming to enslave the human race by inviting adults to gobble down its yummy exterior. Inside you’ll hear the distant moans of people who are trapped and fighting to get out.

The most hilarious thing of all is when the advert pulls to a shot of a McDonald’s drive thru. Subsequently, you’d assume that we’d see happy smiling families driving away with bags of food. Instead, we see people jogging past in nerdy-looking outfits. God bless you Mr Director, you really thought this through didn’t you?

Almost as successful as launching a range of salads. Oh.

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When you think of delicious meaty burgers oozing with grease, most people will imagine the golden arches of McDonald’s.

The core spokesman for the burger giant is Ronald McDonald. He is a larger than life clown who makes children plump by giving them fatty treats and artery clogging drinks.

At one point, McDonald’s appointed another clown like character by the name of Justin Timberlake. He was in charge of flogging off McDonalds limp salads that we’re designed to make you feel less guilty about visiting the fast food chain.

In Japan, Ronald McDonald seems to have undergone some sort of surgery to transform himself into a childbearing woman. This fifteen-second advert almost tries to make the new Tomato McGrand burger sexy. How a tranny clown rubbing his face in a windy room does this is beyond us. Instead, we get the impressions he/she will lob some ninja death stars at us.

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3 - Crazy crap from inside your own body – Environmentalgraffiti

2 - A Nicolas Cage movie plotline generator that’s either funny or depressing depending on who you are – Cracked

1 - Blimey, this is literally staggering…

Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

People often give John Lennon all the credit for being the political one in The Beatles, but that overlooks a vast portion of Paul McCartney’s oeuvre. Give Ireland Back To The Irish, for example, was a bloodied warcry for the abolition of crappy Irish-themed funpubs. Hi Hi Hi was an impassioned called for the legalisation of Hi-Tec trainers. And Dance Tonight was a thundering commentary on the uneasy political friendship between Pakistan and India, and not a cacky load of bum wanked out on a mandolin in five minutes like you thought.

Lately, though, Paul McCartney has been flexing his political muscles with a little bit more might than usual. He invoked the wrath of fundamental Islam by playing a concert in Israel recently and, what’s more, he was slightly rude about Gordon Ramsay in a supermarket magazine, too. Paul McCartney has got the fire back in his belly, that’s for sure.

And now Paul McCartney has picked his next target – McDonald’s. As a devout vegetarian, Paul McCartney has long since spoken of the environmental cost of humanity’s passion for meat, but that’s not why he’s angry at McDonald’s. Nor is it because the meagre vegetarian options on sale at McDonald’s all taste like slurry.

No, Paul McCartney has decided to go after McDonald’s because one branch in Liverpool has a picture of him in it. The bastards. Paul McCartney’s serious, too – he wants all his fans to boycott the restaurants, as The Telegraph reports:

The singer was said to be furious after discovering pictures of the Beatles had been placed prominently in a restaurant in his home town. A spokesman for Sir Paul said: “What sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are. It’s ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott Mcdonald’s, and not just in Liverpool.”

It’s good that the spokesman managed to say “Beatles’ fans” and not “fans of Paul McCartney’s solo work,” isn’t it, because that’s the difference between a large percentage of the world’s population and a couple of old ladies with bad hearing who drink at Starbucks more often than they probably should. That would have probably been quite a crappy boycott, to be honest.

Anyway, we think that McDonald’s branches having pictures of their towns’ favourite sons is a brilliant idea – because that way people in Birmingham could eat their burgers under big pictures of UB40, residents of Brentwood could order their Egg McMuffins next to pictures of Chantelle from Big Brother and everyone in Nottingham could utilise the McDonald’s free wifi facility with several giant portraits of Dr Harold Shipman looming at them from every surface.

But still, we should probably do what Paul McCartney says and boycott McDonald’s. Otherwise he might try and kiss us, and that’d be like kissing your granny. Bleurgh.

There’s nothing wrong with that – a Big Mac and fries is probably the perfect tonic after months of hard dieting and exercise in preparation for your big day. And not forgetting days and nights of hard sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing in Florida – if you’re going to be marrying Wayne Rooney, that is.

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Just take a look around you. Everyone has their own PA or dog-walker or dead-prostitute-hider. Why, hecklerspray confidently expects that you’re not even reading this yourself – you’re simply having it droned out loud by some migrant worker while you lie in bed, encased in satin sheets and whispering sweet nothings to Jessica Alba and the Irish girl who used to be in that contact lens advert.

Don’t you ever want to taste the life of a simple man? Course you do. And here’s your chance – with the revolutionary McDonalds Employee Simulator. Much like a real job at McDonalds, it’s essentially aimless and unrewarding, but creator Garnet Hertz isn’t trying to soften the harsh reality of things, you know.

Actually, this was made in 1997. For all we know, Garnet Hertz could be dead by now.

Sorry.

McDonalds Employee Simulator