The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they’ve already ‘made it’, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.

Being the snide swine we are, it was suggested that we fight the powers that be and show the world of celebrity what’s what and who’s nobody, so here it is in all its underwhelming un-festive glory.

So, in a very well thought out (hastily typed out at midnight last night) attempt to tackle the elitism issues that NME have raised, we got our youngest, hippest (Hahahaha! – Ed) hecklerspray writers – Lauren Mullineaux and Sophie Hall – to create what we consider to be the healthier way to present a list of terrible human beings. We present to you: Hecklerspray Presents: The Anti-Cool List. Presented. To you. List.

Coldplay:

Chris Martin and the boring company he keeps isn’t just limited to his choice of wife, but his band too. His life is pretty much a homage to Bono which is the worst way to live out your days as far as we’re concerned. They played Glastonbury and it was far too, far too ecstatic. They also released an album called Mylo Xyloto because they’re so bloody fresh. We’re British guys so please just take your emotion and your wives heads and go to America where they are a-okay with public displays.

Ricky Gervais:

His grubby stumps are grasping onto the Hollywood sign with everything he’s bloody got these days because he ran out of jokes about five years ago. Remember that one where he was mean to the celebrity? Remember when he wore tiny shorts? Remember when he was fat? We liked him then, thin people are so dull.

Sam Faiers:

We have never seen The Only Way Is Essex, but we understand exactly why this young woman was attacked in the streets by the naysayers. Frankly we’re sickened she had the gall to then moan about this ‘vicious attack’ like she deserves better than Jesus. Click here to see what she looked like post stoning.

Levi Roots:

Haha. What an absolute idiot this man is, he’s not even un-cool he’s just absolutely, unnervingly, refreshingly stupid. Yes, we were all disheartened to learn that Levi Roots stole, HE STOLE, his Reggae Reggae sauce recipe from his business partner. We thought we could trust the Dragon’s to be sharp suited beacon of honesty in these turbulent times, but this throws everything into disarray.*

Michael Jackson:

He’s not really un-cool is he? We’re just yanking your chain. You know what is un-cool though? Dying. Yeah Michael, screw you, screw you and your wonderfully child-friendly nature, we’ll get our kicks elsewhere from now on.

Daybreak:

If it’s already broken don’t make it more broken, is an old proverb that the big-wigs at ITV have never heard. GMTV was a godsend in comparison to this amalgamation of ugly people with sunny dispositions. If you want to hate yourself at 6 AM then join the army. It’s comforting to know that a lot of people have been sacked for this.

Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries/Marriage:

Possibly the best and most irritating story of the year from America’s fairy tale family of dimwits. We learnt about how to make a quick buck from true love, it was true love right? How could it not be between a preppy princess and the dumbest man who ever lived? Kris is religious and instead of playing basketball he just bounces it off the wall and into his head.

The Olympics:

Lord Coe or whatever he’s called these days lobbied for literally hours to win us the right to host the Olympics and so that means we have to spend all of our non-existent money building something to look better than a smog covered birds nest.  We have a logo, a nightmarishly, child scaring logo that was designed by the steel loving ghouls of Monsters Inc.

Mark Ronson/Katy B:

We recently learned that the only thing worse than 2012 being ruined by The Olympics is a theme song for the Olympics; you’ll never guess what shining beacons of British pop culture are going to be creating that future Samaritans favourite.

Ashton Kutcher:

It’s 2011 which means that nobody remembers the pretty-but-stupid one from That 70’s Show, Ashton didn’t like this, Ashton got sad, Ashton had an affair, grew hair all over his face, and replaced Charlie Sheen on the worst sitcom to ever disgrace Comedy Central—no mean feat.

Chris Brown:

What a piece of work this young felon is. Not only did he beat the woman of our dreams and global pop sensation Rihanna but he then bought a house near her after his restraining order was dropped by the too kind for her own good sweetheart. We like the one where he storms out of an interview for being asked about his boxing habits unexpectedly. Also he hates handicapped people now.  Not cool Chris, not cool. We hope your glass bedroom gets smashed up in one of your rages.

Justin Bieber:

Truth be told, this kid is probably living the coolest life of any 17 year old ever to have existed, but that doesn’t make him cool now does it? And since we’re cynical and depraved of love, we consider him the antithesis of cool. This year Bieber cut his hair and then cut it again… then a woman said he’d impregnated her (or statutory raped her one). And then he went and made a flirtatious video with 41 year old Mariah Carey that’s full of children and pervy Santa Clause.  He’s so young and happy and infecting the world with his joyful lack of charisma.

Benton:

It’s a man chasing a dog chasing some deer and the whole stupid internet starts puking happiness. By the way he’s called Fenton.

Johnnie Marbles:

This is the guy who you immediately added on twitter after he attempted to pie Rupert Murdoch in the face. You probably regret this decision, but haven’t yet unfollowed him. He thinks he’s so cool that he could never be cool. What is cool is Wendy Murdoch lunging forward and punching him in the head.

Charity:

The third world has been in third place for so long now, please will the judges award them silver next year so we can all move on. We can’t take all the obnoxious drama students following us in the streets for £3 a month, we can’t take seeing sad animals or Terry Wogan on television, we can’t take the guilt every time we drink clean water or don’t get AIDS from having sex. There’s nothing wrong with third place, but runner up is much better.

Technology:

Blackberry had a pretty appalling year with the catastrophic and consistent failure of everything it touched, but at least their founder and principal cool dude didn’t pass away before his time.  We use Android so we’re laughing all the way home with our internet access and ability to ring people… but others weren’t so lucky. 2011 was the year communication on-the-go came to standstill as both iPhone and Blackberry broke down at the same time.  Paperweights coincidentally made a massive comeback.

Sarah Palin:

If we hear anyone say the words ‘soccer mom’ next year we might have to deflate all the ‘soccer’ balls silently in the night with neutron bombs. It’s been a terrible year for the hottest lady in politics as the true extent of her red neck status was revealed. A millions thousand affairs, a shit of a brick for a daughter, and a stalker of an un-official biographer… all alleged of course. Politics just isn’t for everyone is it? Get back to your bear traps.

Downton Abbey:

Somehow, the opposite of a gripping drama has glued you great people to your couches to watch ITV every week. Yes, ITV of all things! It’s as if the entire nation just gave up, sighed, and resigned themselves to the fact that ITV was going to keep making original content if we didn’t settle for something. Why the heck you all settled for a period show with Dead—ahem—Dame Maggie Smith over a crime drama starring Trevor Eve we’ll never understand. BORING.

Rioting:

If 2011 had a theme it would be unrest… and what signifies unrest if not rioting? Usually we watch Egypt, France, and lots of passionate European countries riot, but this year we took to the streets to show we can do it too.  We didn’t do it very well and we didn’t do it for any particularly good reasons. We had lots of protests, but the riots in the heat of the summer nights were crassly consumerist. It’s not that the police couldn’t cope with the destruction they just didn’t think we were worth it. If you’re going to pinch some jeans, the very least you could do is accept the challenge of stealing them from a staffed shop in daylight; pussy.

Bankers:

In the 80’s bankers were cool; that’s what Wall Street taught us anyway, they had a perfectly acceptable level of the devil inside them.

McDonald’s New Advert:

Every single time this comes on, which is a lot, we think it’s for a dating site because it should be and every single time we realise it’s not we hate ourselves a little bit more. The golden arches are supposed to advertise themselves using slogans about how much you’re going to love their manufactured mess, not this misleading twee crap. We’ve taken to muting the TV when it comes on before cutting out our eyeballs with cow horns. Just in case like.

Florence and The Machine:

The only good thing that can be said about them is: at least they’re not Laura Marling.  That shouldn’t be the only redeeming quality in anything.

Azaelia Banks:

Lauren – She was number one on the NME list so we had to include her for posterity, but if it’s any consolation then we don’t think her song’s very good either. She makes us feel old.

Sophie – Nobody has ever mattered less.

Christmas Number 1’s:

Remember when Christmas number 1’s were Christmas songs, created for the occasion? Yeah, us neither. And so on and on rages the tiresome battle between the winner of The X Factor and a popular ‘alternative song’. Give us a bloody break will you? Nobody actually cares. It’s a ploy brought to your easily influenced brains by the record companies so that they can make more money. Save yourself a quid and illegally download them both instead that way everyone’s a winner in your heart and that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

Kelly Rowland

From the years 1981 to 2010, Kelly Rowland was pretty much an inconsequential fragment of life. Then this year, ITV1 thought “Err…yeah, alright” and BANG! A career-woman was born, as Kelly got the gig as judge in the ‘new generation’ line-up of X Factor, providing quite a lot of cocaine and laughs along the way.

Sinitta

In essence: Just not a very good idea.

Michael Jackson

Don’t know if we have the energy.

Frankie Cocozza

On his own, he was a particular nuisance. Combined with Gary Barlow, he was our indie Himmler, getting booted off the X Factor for doing some sort of self assuring drug taking to the utter disgust of Beacon of Humble Gary Barlow  (See below.) This would be the same Gary Barlow whom, after putting him through at the judges houses stage of the competition, turned to Robbie Williams and said, “If there’s one thing I’m not going to let this guy do – is behave.” Well, well, well.

John Lewis Advert

Where did a little 10 year old boy find the time and the money to go to some sort of shopping centre (UNSUPERVISED) and buy his mum and dad this ‘present’? The one where the woman died at the end was far funnier.

Peter Andre

Dear Peter, it’s all very well and good doing all those things that you do. We have no beef with that. But when you open up a Literacy Project with Boris Johnsson and hope nobody will notice, we may need to tell you to ‘sling it’ a tiny little bit.

Lady Gaga

She has only come out of one form of female reproduction this year. Must try harder in 2012.

Nick Clegg

Well, it was all going so well for Nick. What with the whole not shafting the country thing and the yellow section at Tie Rack. But then he went and did the whole shafting the country thing, and unfortunately it didn’t work out incredibly well.

Alex Reid/Chantelle’s unborn child

If you take into account Darwin’s theory of natural selection and THIS video, it really doesn’t bode well for this kid at all. “We share a lot of common experiences. Like Big Brother. And marriage.”

Brian May

We do worry about Brian May. He’s been very ‘up’ for things lately. Last week for example, he even went on stage to perform with The Darkness. He even has a blog now for god’s sake. Initial symptoms of a major depressive episode, or just very very enthusiastic about being Brian May? The answer is of course, C) He’s a Bohemian Rhapsody twiddling sell-out.

Scarlett Johanson’s boobs

And we thought her Other Anne Boleyn Girl acting was a bit wobbly! WAHEY! (Dear Scarlett Johnansson, thank you so so much for taking photos of your nude form.)

Gary Barlow

“So Gary, what do you think about your latest inclusion as an X Factor judge and altogether more successful songwriter than Paul McCartney off of The Beatles?” “I think the children should eat more healthily.” Ah okay then. Do one, Gary.

The Collective

Such a disrespectful thing to do for the children. Especially released the same week as Children in Need. Oh wait, it WAS for Children in Need. Well, that’s just awful.

Beyonce’s Fake Pregnancy Bump

Hearty congratulations and all that, Beyonce. But all this ‘Mmm delicious’ pregnancy acting don’t wash with us. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT WITH A BABY! How could you possibly be? You are Beyonce, that of many a loin. Definitely not cool.

Men

With the launch of Bridesmaids this Summer, it was suddenly realised that men were awful and women were… Jesus, a bit funny to say the LEAST! You’d think all those years inhaling smoke fumes in the kitchen would have detatched us from a sense of humour! But NO! We did it girls! Women: Quite literally, the new men.

Sky News

16/33 miners saved? GREAT! Perhaps next time such an event occurs, you could also provide us with a pie chart of their diminishing blood sugar levels!

The Smurfs

Right. You know smurfs? You know movies? You know conglomerations of smurfs and movies? Nah. Us neither, because obviously none of us watched Smurfs: The Movie, starring Katy Perry and Alan Cumming and other people who grossly misjudged themselves. But it’s not bad. After scoring a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, the film eventually picked up to an admirable 23%, and also secured a sequel (SMURFS 2!) in 2013. Lovely.

Google +

We were all so excited, weren’t we? So excited that we could pick up your name and put it in a circle next to someone else who we previously put in the same circle. The exclusive ‘secret invite’ process made us all feel like we were part of a secret haven, better than other people, better than suckers registering Linkedin Accounts. Eventually though, it turned out that Google Plus was awful and pointless. You probably all read our comedic appraisals in our status updates about it at the time. On Twitter.

Emma Watson

There’s a hell-a lot of things we don’t like about Emma Watson. Sure, she has a People Tree fashion range endorsing us to help the community. Sure, she starred in a One Night Only video as a dog. Sure, she cut her hair short and vetoed her entire 20s and 30s. Sure she attended a university and then cried because she was JUST TOO FAMOUS and went home. We can live with all that.  In 2011, Emma Watson became the patron to the Wild Trout Trust. Well now she’s just taking the piss.

Lars Von Trier

One of your more sophisticated mentals now, as we look back on the escapades of Lars Von Triers. After securing success with his quaint little sci fi apocalyptic drama Melancholia, Lars made what The Sun may call a ‘gaffe’, (but we’d probably go with something more along the lines of ‘Quite awful thing to say actually’) about the nazis. Here’s the video to remind you all, but in essence, the whole thing gets articulated much better with a gif wall of Kirsten Dunsts reactions to him.

Justin Timberlake

AND he bought bloody Myspace.

Diva Fever

A very last minute shoe-horned appearance from X Factor favourites (Well, not FAVOURITES, per se, but you know. People who went on X Factor at some point, regardless) have basically done this. And we’re displeased.

——————

*Levi Roots has disappointingly won the legal battle because nothing about ‘his’ recipe was ever secret apparently and this was much more interesting when he was a thief.

There’s nothing better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame. That is, unless you’re vegetarian or can’t eat pork for religious reasons. Maybe you don’t like burgers. Okay, so there are several things that are- in reality- better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame but we can assure you of one thing, a fast food burger is not one of them.

It’s not for us to tell you the problems with fast food and to preach to you like grimy facsimiles of Nigel Slater would be hypocritical. We’ve all been drunk, hungry, in desperate need of an escape from the rain that we’ve been in one of the American burger giants- there’s no denying it. Find us someone who’s never been over the door and we’ll point and gawp in sheer amazement.

We can however, tell you the problems with fast food advertising. After all, that’s the entire point of this column. You see, fast food chains suffer from the same problem as booze peddlers: when all’s said and done, they’re advertising something that’s bad for you.

So how do you dress it up?

It’s relatively simple and you’ll be familiar with the way it’s done almost instantly. Groups are the usual ones like the KFC adverts where, on a lovely sunny day instead of having a barbeque, a group of family and friends have opted to share a feast of KFC delights that must have cost somewhere in the region of £13,000 to put on the table. They’re laughing, larking about having a great time. Why? They’re sharing that grease around. Bargain bucket for one? Why not make that for four and quadruple your lifespan?

It’s easy.

However in recent years McDonalds- the last bastion of the seedless bun- have opted to show as many demographics in their restaurants as possible to prove that McDonalds is a classless, raceless, genderless outlet designed for both everyone and no-one in equal measure. It’s much like their customer service model.

They’ve moved away from gaudy luminous furnishings and away from the restaurant model that they began with in the 50s’ as a car-service diner. They’ve replaced most restaurants with a dull green ‘eco-cafe’ which is designed to “remind” their customers that what they’re eating is actually 100% beef that can be traced right the way back to the cage it came out of.

Their latest advert takes these values which they have espoused from on-high over the last couple of years and turns them into implied values, perhaps the most dangerous of the values.

This particular ad shows a loner. A cheery loner, we’ll grant you that but a loner nonetheless. It’s quite a concept to spend most of an advert for fast food with most of it spent wandering the streets of (what we assume is That London) and not focussing on the burgers and how full of meat they are. They’re implied values though. Wide demographic of people, home-spun, clean-cut chap doing some walking. He’s picked up a paper (probably The Mail) and is singing a song about being on the street where his sweetheart lives.

Nice, isn’t it?

“On The Street Where You Live” is a song which was originally used in the musical ‘My Fair Lady’ and has since been covered by a huge range of artists from Bobby Darin to Steve Hogarth from Marillion and is, largely speaking, quite a romantic number. Isn’t it the perfect song to sing to your sweetheart?

It’s not a huge leap of logic to assume that the young man in this advert is singing the song to the Big Mac which he is about to sink his teeth into. He’s about to eat the object of his desire. He’s fallen in love with a burger that he’s then going to devour. It’s a one minute tragedy.

If you’re to believe this advert, you’ll believe that McDonalds encourage the love of burgers with a strange serenade from a lovestruck 20-something. Does it make you want to eat one of their heavily-salted treats or vomit into a happy meal box? Either way it doesn’t matter. Where you stand on McDonalds, their products and their advertising is of little to no importance in the grand scheme of the Happy World of the Golden Arches. All we’re trying to say is; bring back the Hamburglar.

Once a company has got a corner of the market covered, it’ll always search for a different consumer.

For example, we’d never tried make-up before, but the nice Avon lady said that a bit of blusher would bring out our inner beauty. Strange thing is, when we approach people in the street now they either point and stare or run away in terror.

One day, Ronald McDonald realised that he had to do more than market his greasy snacks at fat people. With some help from The Hamburgler and other friends, he roped in Justin Timberlake to promote salads and other healthy crap. But what’s next on the agenda? The gays! It looks like a big warm hug will be given to any homosexuals who want a Big Mac. Well, in France anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AU83QM_BhGY

In prior experiences of buying mashed chicken guts from McDonald’s, we’ve never thought of it as particularly anti-gay. That’s unless, tucked away behind the Happy Meal display stand, there are warnings that gay people will be lynched and their insides will be used for a new prototype called ‘The McMincer’ burger. But that probably isn’t the case.

With a tagline of ‘Come as you are’, the advert seems to imply that anyone will be welcomed in to a McDonald’s and severed a delicious artery-clogging portion of chips. The most confusing thing of all is why the French decided to run this utterly baffling advert. Because we don’t live in the Dark Ages where anyone would be cast aside for being socially different, no-one particularly gives a toss these days apart from a select group of backward individuals.

Let’s just hope this isn’t going to be like one of the Nescafe adverts that’ll continue in a series of pointless storylines. God knows we wouldn’t want this campaign to end with the father discovering that his son is gay and losing his temper because he won’t grow up to be a ladies man. He wouldn’t follow the old McDonald’s tagline and be ‘loving it’.

As we said, stupidly odd and confusing.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

In the left corner we have a man who promotes food, speaks a little bit funny, has the strong support of a close-knit family behind him and looks a bit of an idiot sometimes.

Jamie Oliver? Close – we are of course referring to every child’s favourite creepy clown, Ronald McDonald.

Poor Ronald McDonald has had to face a lot of criticism over the last few years. While no-one can deny that a child is left happier after eating one of his meals, it’s been alleged that it might be down to the gallons of junk flowing through their veins. So step in Jamie Oliver to declare war against foods that are supposedly bad for us. He obviously hasn’t heard our motto as we believe the greasier something is, the tastier it gets. But in a strange turn of events, Jamie is now praising the practices of Ronald and his chums.

Now that the news has broken that Jamie Oliver has found it acceptable to drink litres of BBQ sauce and live off Big Macs, we have to wonder what his intentions are. No pictures have emerged of make-up across his cockney mug after kissing ass to the best-known clown in the business. Though we can imagine an exclusive in a grotty Sunday tabloid fairly soon.

In a comment that will surely cause our American friends to punch their ripples of fat in anger, Jamie Oliver took a swipe at McDonalds in America. Which we assume is just like the UK McDonalds, but only with stupidly bigger portions. He said:

“McDonald’s in the UK is very different to the US model – the quality of beef, they only sell free-range eggs, they only sell organic milk, their ethics and recycling is being improved and improved.”

So what would Jamie Oliver be doing with Ronald McDonald? It can’t be a sordid love affair, as now the entire world knows about them. Nor is he ditching Sainsbury’s to promote a new line of free-range organic bacon sandwiches that were smoked in a bike shed. Then it dawned on us, McDonalds are the dons when it comes to giving away toys that aren’t amazingly crap and cost about two quid.

This got us thinking – if McDonalds were to launch a range of Happy Meal toys featuring Jamie Oliver and other chefs, what would they be like? Save up your pennies children in order to collect the full set. Or ask the disgruntled burger-flipper if he can slip you them for free:

Jamie Oliver – The miniature Jamie doll comes complete with a cardboard cut-out staircase where you can spend hours moving him from the top to the bottom. Once the thrill of that wears off, you can always hang him from the banister.

Gordon Ramsay – Milk lover Gordon doesn’t do anything but comes with a drawstring that features five phrases, including “You stupid fuck you’ve ruined the McNuggets” and “I’d rather drink my own piss then your shit coffee”.

Heston Blumenthal – Eggheaded food mentalist Heston comes with the most amount of fun accessories. Not only can you mix and match small amounts of chemicals to make weird explosions, but a free welding kit means you can attach a lobster to a tool box and see how it tastes when combined with water from the River Thames.

The Hairy Bikers – Can’t grow a beard? Don’t worry; genuine shavings of their sweaty facial hair can be yours. However, it’s advised you don’t put any in your mouth. One of the cheeky scamps shaved off his pubes when he was pissed and added it into the supply chain.

Obviously we can’t confirm if the greasy faced kids working at McDonalds still spit in your food and jizz in the milkshake – but somewhere deep underground in a volcanic layer, we hope Ronald McDonald didn’t hear what Jamie Oliver said. Things will only get nasty.

After all, the Hamburgler will get called to bugger things up. And you don’t want to mess with that crazy fool.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature.

Before you all think we must have got food poisoning off them once and subsequently hate Ronald McDonald, we don’t. Honestly, their advertising is just complete and utter pants. Nowadays, they have improved, but we’re still unconvinced that farmers hug all the cows before slashing their throats.

This time we’re travelling back to merry old 1978 where everyone in this advert seemed to be quite posh. Maybe McDonald’s wanted us to believe that people with class dined in their restaurants and not just scummy kids who’d steal the free straws, napkins and packets of sauce. Contain yourself, it’s after the jump…

First of all, we’ve never seen a fast food restaurant plonked so close to a river/canal/pond/ocean. Unless this is in a fancy area likes Cannes, then the idea of having floating McDonalds never really took off. The bloke on the jetski seems like he’d prefer to dine on deer and drinks dragon’s blood. But no, instead he chomps on the common person’s burger. Though we think he is comparing the lady in the advert to a Big Mac. The pervert.

So what is it about a Big Mac that keeps on making you come back? The child in the commercial seems to think it’s the sesame seed on top of the bun. If you’re reading this small child of the 70’s, it could be time to let you in on a little secret. It’s not the seeds. If the seeds are what kept you coming back, you’d probably retain some sort of normal body shape. Instead, 31 years later, there’s a good chance that all your return visits to McDonalds’s probably mean that you can no longer support your own weight and you constantly sweat processed cheese. That’s a lot of seeds.

McDonald’s also seemed to have crafted the world’s biggest burger for this advert. Couples, however, don’t seem to stop and stare at the giant mass of meat, bread and sauce that’s baring down in front of them, almost like a giant alien creature that’s coming to enslave the human race by inviting adults to gobble down its yummy exterior. Inside you’ll hear the distant moans of people who are trapped and fighting to get out.

The most hilarious thing of all is when the advert pulls to a shot of a McDonald’s drive thru. Subsequently, you’d assume that we’d see happy smiling families driving away with bags of food. Instead, we see people jogging past in nerdy-looking outfits. God bless you Mr Director, you really thought this through didn’t you?

Almost as successful as launching a range of salads. Oh.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

When you think of delicious meaty burgers oozing with grease, most people will imagine the golden arches of McDonald’s.

The core spokesman for the burger giant is Ronald McDonald. He is a larger than life clown who makes children plump by giving them fatty treats and artery clogging drinks.

At one point, McDonald’s appointed another clown like character by the name of Justin Timberlake. He was in charge of flogging off McDonalds limp salads that we’re designed to make you feel less guilty about visiting the fast food chain.

In Japan, Ronald McDonald seems to have undergone some sort of surgery to transform himself into a childbearing woman. This fifteen-second advert almost tries to make the new Tomato McGrand burger sexy. How a tranny clown rubbing his face in a windy room does this is beyond us. Instead, we get the impressions he/she will lob some ninja death stars at us.

10 - Hypochondriac? Thank us for this later – Amog

9 - Eight reasons why Watchmen should have been better, AKA eight reasons for more geeks to write bitterly about us on the internet – Movieretriever

8 - Everyone likes prank calls, don’t they? Here’s one involving Lego – YouTube

7 - More fuel for our weird Jason Bateman/ Will Arnett mancrushes – THR

6 - Why do people even admit things on forums anyway? – Fmylife

5 - Adventures in contextual advertising, part 17 – Image

4 - Even though McDonalds is generally manky, these geography-specific menu items have made us hungry enough to kill – Gunaxin

3 - Crazy crap from inside your own body – Environmentalgraffiti

2 - A Nicolas Cage movie plotline generator that’s either funny or depressing depending on who you are – Cracked

1 - Blimey, this is literally staggering…

Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace – the Fillet-O-Fish.

Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

People often give John Lennon all the credit for being the political one in The Beatles, but that overlooks a vast portion of Paul McCartney’s oeuvre. Give Ireland Back To The Irish, for example, was a bloodied warcry for the abolition of crappy Irish-themed funpubs. Hi Hi Hi was an impassioned called for the legalisation of Hi-Tec trainers. And Dance Tonight was a thundering commentary on the uneasy political friendship between Pakistan and India, and not a cacky load of bum wanked out on a mandolin in five minutes like you thought.

Lately, though, Paul McCartney has been flexing his political muscles with a little bit more might than usual. He invoked the wrath of fundamental Islam by playing a concert in Israel recently and, what’s more, he was slightly rude about Gordon Ramsay in a supermarket magazine, too. Paul McCartney has got the fire back in his belly, that’s for sure.

And now Paul McCartney has picked his next target – McDonald’s. As a devout vegetarian, Paul McCartney has long since spoken of the environmental cost of humanity’s passion for meat, but that’s not why he’s angry at McDonald’s. Nor is it because the meagre vegetarian options on sale at McDonald’s all taste like slurry.

No, Paul McCartney has decided to go after McDonald’s because one branch in Liverpool has a picture of him in it. The bastards. Paul McCartney’s serious, too – he wants all his fans to boycott the restaurants, as The Telegraph reports:

The singer was said to be furious after discovering pictures of the Beatles had been placed prominently in a restaurant in his home town. A spokesman for Sir Paul said: “What sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are. It’s ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott Mcdonald’s, and not just in Liverpool.”

It’s good that the spokesman managed to say “Beatles’ fans” and not “fans of Paul McCartney’s solo work,” isn’t it, because that’s the difference between a large percentage of the world’s population and a couple of old ladies with bad hearing who drink at Starbucks more often than they probably should. That would have probably been quite a crappy boycott, to be honest.

Anyway, we think that McDonald’s branches having pictures of their towns’ favourite sons is a brilliant idea – because that way people in Birmingham could eat their burgers under big pictures of UB40, residents of Brentwood could order their Egg McMuffins next to pictures of Chantelle from Big Brother and everyone in Nottingham could utilise the McDonald’s free wifi facility with several giant portraits of Dr Harold Shipman looming at them from every surface.

But still, we should probably do what Paul McCartney says and boycott McDonald’s. Otherwise he might try and kiss us, and that’d be like kissing your granny. Bleurgh.

From Dietpixie: WAG wife-to-be Coleen McLoughlin was been snapped eating fast food from McDonald’s in Miami’s airport last week.

There’s nothing wrong with that – a Big Mac and fries is probably the perfect tonic after months of hard dieting and exercise in preparation for your big day. And not forgetting days and nights of hard sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing in Florida – if you’re going to be marrying Wayne Rooney, that is.

Read the rest of this entry >>

Sometimes it seems like everyone is a high flyer.

Just take a look around you. Everyone has their own PA or dog-walker or dead-prostitute-hider. Why, hecklerspray confidently expects that you’re not even reading this yourself – you’re simply having it droned out loud by some migrant worker while you lie in bed, encased in satin sheets and whispering sweet nothings to Jessica Alba and the Irish girl who used to be in that contact lens advert.

Don’t you ever want to taste the life of a simple man? Course you do. And here’s your chance – with the revolutionary McDonalds Employee Simulator. Much like a real job at McDonalds, it’s essentially aimless and unrewarding, but creator Garnet Hertz isn’t trying to soften the harsh reality of things, you know.

Actually, this was made in 1997. For all we know, Garnet Hertz could be dead by now.

Sorry.

McDonalds Employee Simulator