The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they’ve already ‘made it’, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.
Being the snide swine we are, it was suggested that we fight the powers that be and show the world of celebrity what’s what and who’s nobody, so here it is in all its underwhelming un-festive glory.
So, in a very well thought out (hastily typed out at midnight last night) attempt to tackle the elitism issues that NME have raised, we got our youngest, hippest (Hahahaha! – Ed) hecklerspray writers – Lauren Mullineaux and Sophie Hall – to create what we consider to be the healthier way to present a list of terrible human beings. We present to you: Hecklerspray Presents: The Anti-Cool List. Presented. To you. List.
There’s nothing better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame. That is, unless you’re vegetarian or can’t eat pork for religious reasons. Maybe you don’t like burgers. Okay, so there are several things that are- in reality- better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame but we can assure you of one thing, a fast food burger is not one of them.
It’s not for us to tell you the problems with fast food and to preach to you like grimy facsimiles of Nigel Slater would be hypocritical. We’ve all been drunk, hungry, in desperate need of an escape from the rain that we’ve been in one of the American burger giants- there’s no denying it. Find us someone who’s never been over the door and we’ll point and gawp in sheer amazement.
Once a company has got a corner of the market covered, it’ll always search for a different consumer.
For example, we’d never tried make-up before, but the nice Avon lady said that a bit of blusher would bring out our inner beauty. Strange thing is, when we approach people in the street now they either point and stare or run away in terror.
One day, Ronald McDonald realised that he had to do more than market his greasy snacks at fat people. With some help from The Hamburgler and other friends, he roped in Justin Timberlake to promote salads and other healthy crap. But what’s next on the agenda? The gays! It looks like a big warm hug will be given to any homosexuals who want a Big Mac. Well, in France anyway.
In the left corner we have a man who promotes food, speaks a little bit funny, has the strong support of a close-knit family behind him and looks a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Jamie Oliver? Close – we are of course referring to every child’s favourite creepy clown, Ronald McDonald.
Poor Ronald McDonald has had to face a lot of criticism over the last few years. While no-one can deny that a child is left happier after eating one of his meals, it’s been alleged that it might be down to the gallons of junk flowing through their veins. So step in Jamie Oliver to declare war against foods that are supposedly bad for us. He obviously hasn’t heard our motto as we believe the greasier something is, the tastier it gets. But in a strange turn of events, Jamie is now praising the practices of Ronald and his chums.
McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature.
Before you all think we must have got food poisoning off them once and subsequently hate Ronald McDonald, we don’t. Honestly, their advertising is just complete and utter pants. Nowadays, they have improved, but we’re still unconvinced that farmers hug all the cows before slashing their throats.
This time we’re travelling back to merry old 1978 where everyone in this advert seemed to be quite posh. Maybe McDonald’s wanted us to believe that people with class dined in their restaurants and not just scummy kids who’d steal the free straws, napkins and packets of sauce. Contain yourself, it’s after the jump…
When you think of delicious meaty burgers oozing with grease, most people will imagine the golden arches of McDonald’s.
The core spokesman for the burger giant is Ronald McDonald. He is a larger than life clown who makes children plump by giving them fatty treats and artery clogging drinks.
At one point, McDonald’s appointed another clown like character by the name of Justin Timberlake. He was in charge of flogging off McDonalds limp salads that we’re designed to make you feel less guilty about visiting the fast food chain.
Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace – the Fillet-O-Fish.
Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.
No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.
From Dietpixie: WAG wife-to-be Coleen McLoughlin was been snapped eating fast food from McDonald’s in Miami’s airport last week.
There’s nothing wrong with that – a Big Mac and fries is probably the perfect tonic after months of hard dieting and exercise in preparation for your big day. And not forgetting days and nights of hard sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing in Florida – if you’re going to be marrying Wayne Rooney, that is.
Just take a look around you. Everyone has their own PA or dog-walker or dead-prostitute-hider. Why, hecklerspray confidently expects that you’re not even reading this yourself – you’re simply having it droned out loud by some migrant worker while you lie in bed, encased in satin sheets and whispering sweet nothings to Jessica Alba and the Irish girl who used to be in that contact lens advert.
Don’t you ever want to taste the life of a simple man? Course you do. And here’s your chance – with the revolutionary McDonalds Employee Simulator. Much like a real job at McDonalds, it’s essentially aimless and unrewarding, but creator Garnet Hertz isn’t trying to soften the harsh reality of things, you know.
Actually, this was made in 1997. For all we know, Garnet Hertz could be dead by now.
The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they’ve already ‘made it’, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.
McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature. 
When you think of delicious meaty burgers oozing with grease, most people will imagine the golden arches of McDonald’s. 
