Maysoon left the Big Brother house in her trademark style – it was boring and quiet and nobody really cared about it one way or the other – but that leaves eight housemates up for eviction. Why so many? Because the Big Brother housemates were caught discussing nominations in just about the most gormless way possible – by referring to each other in football terms. Darnell was Arsenal, Luke was Wigan, Kat was, we dunno, late-period Maradona or something. We won’t pretend we’re experts.

As yet, Paddy Power hasn’t listed this week’s Big Brother eviction odds, so instead we’re going to give you the Big Brother betting odds to win for nominated housemates Kat, Darnell and Mohamed instead and you can work backwards from there…

Kat - Kat’s favourite to win Big Brother at the moment, but she’s untested with the public. Since we literally live in an ivory tower in the middle of an exclusive off-shore gated community, we’re certain that Kat will be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow because of the public’s deep-seated unease with fat foreigners who like biscuits. Mark these words. Or don’t. It’s no big deal. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Darnell – Darnell survived a Big Brother eviction last week, so he obviously has fans. Well, not fans per se, rather a group of people who thought that Rebecca was slightly more of a knob than him. Anyway, now that he’s relinquished the mantle of Big Brother house-head, Darnell’s reverted from power-crazed weirdo to plain old worryingly paranoid crackpot. He’ll be fine. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/2

Mohamed – Given how aggressively triumphant Mohamed was last Friday when he wasn’t evicted from the Big Brother house, we think that he’s due a hefty dose of karma. That could mean that he gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night, or it could mean that he doesn’t get evicted but one of his eyeballs is pierced by a bird’s beak at some point in the next couple of weeks. Either one’s fine. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction odds for Luke, Dale, Rachel, Rex and Stuart. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

And that saying couldn’t be more apt when it comes to discussing Rebecca, the Big Brother housemate who was evicted on Friday night. She came, she saw, she kept getting her knockers out and she had a drunken tongue-wrestle with a twig. We won’t see Rebecca’s like again, unless of course we go to any pikey nightclub on a Saturday night. Honestly, they’re full of them.

But with Rebecca gone, who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Sara, Maysoon and Lisa, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed - Finally. It’s taken over 50 days but we’ve finally realised why most of the Big Brother housemates have found the energy to round on such a steaming nonentity as Mohamed. After several hours of high-level scientific exploration into the issue, we’ve realised that Mohamed just has one of those faces. It’s the way he moves his mouth when he talks, the hint of slimy creepiness in his eyes, the way he’s constantly on the prowl for a cigarette to steal. It’s icky and it creeps us out. Also, Mohamed won’t win Big Brother because he shoved his tongue into Rebecca’s gob last week; and finding her attractive is a crime punishable only by being catapulted into the side of a cliff at a million miles an hour. Fact. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Sara – Another week in the Big Brother house, another display of absolutely piss-all from Sara – the girl with the face of Angelina Jolie and the personality of some especially uninteresting vapour. Right now Sara might be developing a bit of a crush on Darnell. She might not be – every time Sara is shown on Big Brother we start smashing ourselves about the face with a tin tray because we’ve discovered it’s less painful and pointless than paying attention to her – but let’s just say she is. Fingers crossed that their kids have her looks and his personality. They’d still be bullied at school, but – let’s face it – rather that than the other way around. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Much has been made of Maysoon’s developing personality – all of a sudden she’s actually started to engage the Big Brother housemates in conversation, rather than just sit around sucking her cheeks in and blankly staring into the middle-distance all day. We’re not convinced, though. Look – who’s the biggest personality in the Big Brother house at the moment? Lisa? Big whoop – she’s basically a transvestite with the voice of a Chuckle Brother. The Big Brother producers know that there’s nobody interesting left in the show, which is why they’re blindly flailing around trying to find something, anything, to fill their daily hour with. And apparently the occasional mutterings of a hopelessly dull deodorant model do that quite well. They don’t – it’s not an exaggeration to say that we’d rather dive into a quarry full of dirty heroin needles than listen to Maysoon talk about anything. Ever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Lisa – So, without Mario in the Big Brother house to constantly dominate her, what’s Lisa like as a person? Fucking awful, in a word. As well as having a face that looks like a permanently blind child’s Crayola scrawl of a pretty lady, Lisa’s also taken it upon herself to round on Rachel and Kat as often as possible. God knows why – being mean to Rachel is a bit like shooting a puppy in the face. And another thing – Lisa’s one of those awful arseholes who think they’re far more deep than they actually are, as seen during her bewildering discussion with Darnell about how you should never abuse the sea. Physically abuse the sea. With your fists. For some reason, Lisa’s never been put up for Big Brother eviction. This must either be because the Big Brother housemates are stupid or because they’re vainly hoping that next week’s task involves turning the Diary Room into a lethal injection chamber. We know which of these options is true, but we know which one we want to be true, too. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Stuart, Rachel, Mikey and Rex. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

But the eviction of Belinda hasn’t been the only thing to happen in the Big Brother house this weekend – the mantle of Big Brother head of house has passed from Darnell to Dale. What will his tenure as boss be like? Better than Darnell’s? Worse? Or, as we suspect, so sodding similar that you’ll want to corkscrew your own eyes out just for a bit of variation? You decide.

But who’s going to win Big Brother this year? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Maysoon, Sara and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – Regular readers will remember that this time last week we urged Mohamed to do something, anything, to prove his worth as a Big Brother housemate. Readers, Mohamed has not let us down – in the last seven days Mohamed has played out of his skin in that he a) ate a banana and b) picked up a toothbrush. Great work Mohamed! However, it’s a testament to Mohamed’s incredible unpopularity that both of these actions resulted in gigantic arguments. Mohamed obviously doesn’t stand a hope in hell of winning Big Brother, but let’s keep him in for a few more weeks. We want to see what the most gaspingly mundane thing he’s capable of turning into a flare-up is. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Maysoon – Maysoon is another Big Brother housemate worthy of our praise this week, because she’s done the impossible and managed to be even more pointless and anonymous than Mohamed. The woman literally doesn’t do anything. Alright, maybe that’s a lie – this weekend she ran for head of the house. Sadly, and somewhat inevitably, she lost, which was a shame. Being head of the Big Brother house means that you have to occasionally assert your personality, and – since Maysoon doesn’t actually have one of those – we were interested to see what she’d assert instead. Her lovely hair? Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Sara - You know when you just instinctively don’t like someone for no reason? That’s pretty much exactly how we feel about Sara. We just can’t help it – it’s probably got something to do with her voice. When Sara speaks, it’s like the world’s most vacuously self-obsessed mosquito has got jammed into your ear and just keeps burrowing closer and closer towards your brain until the monotonous whine gets too much to bear and you end up shooting your face off with a cannon just to make it stop. We don’t even know what Sara has done in the Big Brother house this last week, but one thing’s for sure – even if she stopped world hunger she’d probably still piss us off a little bit. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Rebecca – Rebecca is in the heaven side of the Big Brother house now, but last week she was in the hell side and didn’t we all bloody know about it. Even though she’s probably got enough fat stored up in her colossal funbags to keep her going without food for a solid couple of decades, Rebecca moaned and whined and, at one point, actually collapsed because it was all too much for her. Speaking of Rebecca’s boobs, this last week has been characterised by her worries that the lack of food would make her jugs shrivel away to nothing. Rebecca, we think we speak on behalf of the entire nation when we say that if your boobs shrivelling away to nothing is what it’ll take for you to stop wanging them about in the mistaken belief that they’re somehow erotic, then we’re going to start campaigning for you never to eat again. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Rachel, Stuart, Rex and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

That’s no fun. That’s not what we want at all. So thank heavens for Mario, who was evicted from Big Brother on Friday and steadfastly refused to understand that people dislike him for being a hopeless David Brent clone with zero self-awareness about what a prick he is. Mario, you truly are a hero. Don’t go changing. OK, maybe change a bit…

With Mario gone, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Belinda, Mohamed, Maysoon, Sara and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

Belinda – We don’t think Belinda should be evicted from Big Brother, you know. We think someone should build a cannon, stuff Belinda into it, fire her into space and splatter her against the surface of the moon. Because if that’s what it takes to stop her from walking around the Big Brother house going “BYA ZJAH DWOO WHEY SCHWOO” like a sunshine-warped vinyl copy of It Ain’t Necessarily So recorded by a serial killer on death row as his last request, then so be it. But Belinda doesn’t just relentlessly scat – no, there’s much more to her than that. She also only wears black and white to show solidarity to, um, black and white people – cruelly ignoring the browns and the yellows, the bitch – and she snores. Oh, she snores. That’s why everyone will nominate her this week. But please, let’s keep Belinda in for a few more weeks. There’ll be more fights that way. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Mohamed – For a second a few weeks ago you thought Mohamed was getting exciting, didn’t you? When he inadvertently kickstarted the biggest fight of Big Brother so far and then cried so intensely that you thought he had all kinds of hidden depths to him? Well, you’re wrong. Mohamed has gone back to doing nothing. Literally nothing. He isn’t even eating to excess any more. He isn’t even liked or disliked any more – Mohamed is just there, like dust or that mole you’re thinking about getting removed in case it goes bad. Pfff. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Where Mohamed needs a personality because he’s essentially just an incredibly mediocre person, Maysoon doesn’t need anything of the sort. Prior to entering the Big Brother house, Maysoon was a model, you see. And, as we all know, models don’t need to have personalities because they look quite nice. That’s why Maysoon vanished into the background from the instant she stepped foot into the Big Brother house – because she doesn’t do anything, apart from glumly smoke all the time. The other Big Brother housemates have said that they admire Maysoon’s self-assurance, but it isn’t self-assurance at all. Maysoon only radiates quiet calm because mentally she’s constantly trying to work out how to spell the word ‘cat’. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Sara – No no no. There are currently three Big Brother housemates statistically less likely to win Big Brother than Sara. That’s all wrong – Sara should absolutely be the least likely to win. By a mile. By a million miles. It’s her voice. Her voice and her mouth and her brain. Every time we see Sara breathing in to start talking, a little part of us dies. That’s because we know that what’s bound to follow is going to be the most staggering inane, self regarding tosh that a human is capable of saying, delivered in a violently loud whiny monotone. That always goes up at the end. Please evict Sara, someone. Please. Evict her or wire her jaws shut. One or the other. We’re being serious. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Rebecca – Of all the eviction-surviving strategies we’ve ever seen on Big Brother, Rebecca drunkenly deciding to chew the face off the house’s resident scrawny geek Luke is perhaps the weirdest. Weirder still, it worked. Lulled in by the promise of a new romance to coo over, the short-sighted Big Brother viewers decided to keep Rebecca in. But that’s such a mistake it isn’t funny. Remember that cover of Heat magazine from last year of Ziggy and Chanelle posing naked together? Imagine a repeat of that featuring Luke and Rebecca. Imagine it. Really imagine hard. That nausea you’re currently feeling? That’s a sign for you to evict Rebecca from Big Brother at the next opportunity. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Stuart, Rex, Lisa, Rachel and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

We didn’t see either of those two coming – we wouldn’t have predicted Jennifer’s eviction despite her gigantic unpopularity, and even though the arrival of the three new housemates had been widely reported for ages all over the place, we just didn’t expect that either. What major surprise is next? Will Mario say something that’s kind of dickish? Who knows?

We’ll be discussing the new Big Brother housemates over the course of this week’s betting odds, so we’d better get going – here are the Big Brother betting odds for Rebecca, Lisa, Maysoon, Mohamed and Stuart, with help from Paddy Power…

Rebecca – Rebecca apparently considers herself to be an ‘exhibitionist’, which is a polite way of saying that she gets her tits out and shrieks a lot. But over the last week in the Big Brother house, Rebecca has tipped over from ‘exhibitionist’ to ‘flat-out shitbag’. She’s smashed stuff, she’s chopped up people’s clothes and she’s screamed abuse at anyone who’s happened to stumble into her line of sight – all in the slightly moronic belief that it’s entertaining. And it’s clearly worked, which is why Big Brother housemates and viewers alike are desperate to evict Rebecca at the first possible opportunity. Her inevitable eviction will be bittersweet, though – true, we won’t have to listen to her deafening squawking for an hour every day, but she’ll almost definitely have her norks out in Nuts within a fortnight. Yeesh. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Lisa – Why are Lisa’s Big Brother betting odds always so terrible? We honestly can’t understand it – more than anyone, Lisa is like the Big Brother mother figure this year, and nobody seems to dislike her. And yet for some reason she doesn’t stand a hope in hell of winning Big Brother. Why is this? Is it because we as a society are systematically rejecting matriarchs as a sort of subconscious response to the current economic climate? Or is it because she’s got giant hands and actually shaves her own face? Yeah, it’s probably that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Disappointed. We were promised that one of the new Big Brother girls would be the star of a famous advert. We were absolutely certain that she’d be the little dead kid from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ road safety adverts, but no. Instead we got Maysoon, an exhausted-looking girl who’s apparently been in a Lynx advert. We don’t think we’ve seen that particular advert because we’re sure if we’d seen Maysoon we’d have sat bolt upright and declared “Goodness! What’s an unusually tired-looking girl like that doing in a commercial for schoolboy deodorant?” Anyway, everyone hates Maysoon because, in her Big Brother intro tape, she only talked about how pretty she was, which is a) not very clever and b) not very true. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Mohamed – When Big Brother housemates survive evictions, it tends to affect their self-confidence. Bolstered by the knowledge that people actually like them, they develop a kind of cocky bulletproof swagger. Not Mohamed though. Since he was saved from Big Brother eviction a week and a bit ago, Mohamed has slowly retreated into his shell, to the point where he literally hasn’t done a single thing of any worth for a day or two now. He might have his eye on new Australian Angelina Jolie Big Brother housemate, so it’ll be fun watching him get spectacularly shot to pieces, but other than that it looks as though Mohamed is settling in for a long stint at the head-down factory. Which should be fun. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Stuart – Forget threatening to kill fellow Big Brother housemates or spitting in their faces, if there’s one thing that Big Brother should remove housemates for it should be quoting John Lennon songs in a hamfisted effort to get into a girl’s knickers. It’s been scientifically proven that anyone who didn’t growl “Oh fuck off you bright orange dickwipe” when Stuart sighed “All you need is love: John Lennon” to Jennifer last week no longer qualifies as human. Stuart is clearly a prize bellend and he deserves some sort of superficial temporary mutilation for that alone, but we’re willing to forgive him if he starts to exclusively express himself via the medium of John Lennon song titles. And we might even vote for him if he manages to interrupt a conversation with an oversincere, pseudo-profound “Woman is the nigger of the world: John Lennon.” Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Sara, Belinda, Mario and Rachel. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.