The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears‘ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

You probably think that a baby is officially born once it emerges from the mother’s womb, all slimy and screaming, gasping its first breaths of life, right?

Well, you’re wrong if you think that, because for a birth to be official, the mayor if Nice has to come out wagging birth certificates and blabbing on about babies being born in his town. This is good if you’re newborn Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, because the mayor of Nice officially welcomed them into the world yesterday. Mayor Christian Estrosi made the following statement yesterday:

“It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event.”

Estrosi also displayed the birth certificates, which provided thrilling items such as Brad Pitt’s initials, the time of birth, and other annoying details that you are forced to endure when someone you know has a baby and you have to pleasantly tolerate obnoxious facts that apply to almost every newborn baby in the entire world like, “he came out with a full head of hair,” or “he looks just like his parents,” or “have you seen how much he poops?”

So, congrats on the Jolie-Pitt babies being officially born. Now the umbilical cords can be cut, and the Jolie-Pitt clan can divide into evenly-numbered biological vs. adopted children and fight to the death for their parents love. Go team adopted!

British mayors have the best job in the world – getting paid to wear some Mr T-style bling while women's institute members give you slices of cake? How is that not brilliant?

But Chilean mayors have it even better. Not only do they get the requisite bling/cake combo – we assume – but they also get to try and mow down iconic movie characters in their mayoral 4×4. On purpose.

Don't believe us? Then look at Carlos Lopez, mayor of Baquedano. He's been arrested for driving a car at James Bond star Daniel Craig during a scene as some form of protest. Lopez was either protesting about the heavy-handed nature of the Bond crew during filming or because he just thinks that A Quantum Of Solace is a really, really shitty name. Either way – mad props, you mental South American public official.

We're starting to think that Daniel Craig has a curse. For 44 years James Bond movies have tick-tocked by without any major incident, but as soon as Daniel Craig took over – whammo – everything falls to shit. People complained about Daniel Craig's blonde hair, his hatred of handguns, his inability to drive and his weird fondness for having his teeth smashed out by midgets. And that was just in Casino Royale.

It's eased off a bit for the new James Bond movie; now the only thing Daniel Craig has to worry about is the film's rubbish title - A Quantum Of Solace still sounds like the sort of over-pretentious cack that you only get from the top percentile of hopeless thesaurus addicts – and crazy South American mayors who try to run him over.

Filming for A Quantum Of Solace was disrupted earlier this week when Carlos Lopez, the mayor of Baquedano in Chile, stormed the set in his 4×4 during a scene and put his car between Daniel Craig and the camera. But don't worry – Carlos Lopez isn't crazy, he was just protesting about something, as The Independent reports:

"He got angry, entered into a private enclosure … caused public disorder and was detained," said a police official from Baquedano. "Now it is in the hands of the prosecutor." Mr Lopez is reported to have been angered by what he called an "excessive" police presence in the small town during filming, and the fact that Chilean soil was being used to represent neighbouring Bolivia… For a town that has just 1,000 residents, sending in special forces and water cannon, preventing people from walking in the street, reminded me of the worst of the Pinochet years."

So there you have it – conclusive proof that James Bond is basically General Pinochet in a pair of tiny blue speedos. And the consequences of this disruption are going to be huge for the local economy – chances are the 007 producers will look elsewhere next time they want to turn a town into a stereotypically dilapidated shanty town.

But if Carlos Lopez is right, then maybe his protest did have a point – all that disruption for a scene that'll probably just appear on screen for a few seconds seems a little bit heavy-handed. Although we still honestly believe that the reason for his protest was because Halle Berry wasn't included in the recent hecklerspray list of bad Bond girls.

If that's the case then it'll be the most preposterously extreme reaction to a hecklerspray article since The Great Haiku Syllable Skirmish Of November 2007. Well done, Carlos Lopez. You truly are the angry, confused mayor of our hearts.

Read more:

Irate Chilean mayor storms Bond set – Independent 

Madonna has said that she will not vote for Ken Livingston at the upcoming London Mayoral elections.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade – in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

What Madonna wants, Madonna gets. If Madonna wants a 'brown' baby, Madonna gets a 'brown' baby. If Madonna wants to speak on behalf of Jesus, then she will goddamn speak on behalf of Jesus. And if Madonna wants to post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina, then Madonna will, without a moment's hesitation, post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina (we seem to be having some trouble getting that last link to work, for some fictitious reason. You dirty bastards).

And if Madonna wants to emigrate to the UK and call the Mayor of London a commy-twat then, well, she'll do it, won't she? And she has. Talking to Q Magazine, she said:

"Will Ken Livingstone get my vote? No. The traffic in London is worse
than ever now. All Red Ken wants is roadworks going on everywhere."

Worse than ever? She's only been living there five minutes and suddenly she's an expert on the history of London's infrastructure!? Just another day in the life of a renegade, we suppose. But what exactly would Madonna do if she was in 'Red' Ken's shoes?

"I would make it so that young musicians, aspiring musicians, wouldn't have to pay the congestion charge or pay taxes. They would be exempt from those kind of things, so they would have more money to do other things." 

Wow! Madonna for Mayor! Madonna for Mayor! God, imagine that, what a wonderful world this would be! She'd certainly get our vote. But we're quite short-sighted when it comes to economics here at hecklerspray, and so – just to be on the safe side – we have run Madge's proposal past the pedantic ear of hecklerspray's senior economist, Samuel Long, who commented thus:

"If the 'Madonna Tax' was to come in to effect, then she would certainly have – in the initial few weeks, at least – the highest approval rating in living memory. But as the population of London wise up to the fact that all they need do to avoid paying taxes is buy themselves a cheap guitar and learn their first chord then, within a month, society as we know it would shut down entirely. The budget would be depleted to levels not seen since pre-1308. There would be inadequate funding for the dustmen and the police to sweep up the dirt and scum that would be violently erupting on the streets. Within two months women and children would be being raped willy-nilly, each and everyone of us would be praying to God to forgive us for ever listening to this heathen, and the Thames would be swimming with rotting Westfields and Fender Stratocasters. Basically, what I'm saying is that Ken Livingstone would have the last laugh."

God damn Samuel Long – he always ruins everything! First, he rejects Stuart Heritage's proposal of getting our own hecklerspray helicopter – our own hecklercopter to trawl the sky for up-to-the-minute celebrity news – just because 'we absolutely can't afford it' and that 'it's totally immoral to hover over Christina Aguilera's house trying to perve on her back-garden love making'.

He spoils all our fun. 

Still, he's probably right.

Read More – Red Ken won't get my vote – Madonna – The Press Association

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Satanists can certainly be a pesky bunch. Not only do they insist on slitting goats all over town and hanging the entrails in a tinsel-like fashion around old abandoned barns, but their people skills are generally limited too. For instance, according to former mayor 'Ken Williams,' some time ago they kidnapped him and made him hide from his first family for approximately three decades.

Honestly devil-people, if you're gonna pull that kind of stuff then you are absolutely not welcome in any traditional society. Go on now – git.

Thirty years ago Ken Williams was named Don LaRose, and he was a podium-thumping preacher-man in New York state. Well apparently that didn't sit well with the New York's vast population of satanists, who he says nabbed him and administered several electro-shock treatments to drive their point home.

At some point the satanists told LaRose he had a choice – either join them or watch his wife and two kids murdered right in front of him.

Williams/LaRose explains his dilemma:

"The choice was to watch my family killed in front of my eyes or go with these people, and I chose instead to run."

He chose neither, and got out of town. He changed his name and went into hiding. Then at some point, as any government protection agency will tell you is a very wise move – he ran for mayor of Centerton, Arkansas in 2001 – and won the office. He says he didn't even remember about his old life until he was for some reason injected by a truth serum.

No details as to why he took the serum – but there are details as to how his almost 30 years in hiding began to fall apart. Williams, perhaps drawn by the deepest regions of his subconscious to his other self, or perhaps because the electro-shocks made him a touch retarded, started an incredibly detailed website about the life and disappearance of Don LaRose – starting with the marriage of LaRose's parents. The wife and two kids that he'd ditched years earlier stumbled upon the site, and wondered why of all the disappearances in the world Williams had decided to focus so intently on LaRose.

Then Bam! Truth serum and what have you. As we said in the beginning – those pesky satanists.


Read More:

Being Don LaRose – NWA News

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new Sex And The City movie is easily the most highly-anticipated film amongst people who enjoy watching four crag-faced women sitting round a table talking about orgasms like they bloody invented them.

But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren – it's Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It's been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he'll be starring as yet, early odds are that he'll be one of Kim Cattrall's dildos.

That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know. 

We know it's a little unfair to judge a film that hasn't even finished being made yet, but we'd like to point out that there is literally no way on the face of the earth that we're going to go and watch the Sex And The City movie when it's released, for a few reasons.

Firstly, the adverts for Sarah Jessica Parker's new perfume make us want to bludgeon ourselves to death, and if 15 seconds of seeing her on a smallish TV set makes us feel like that then we hate to think what effect two hours of seeing her peculiarly equine face blown up onto a giant screen will have on us. Secondly, security on the Sex And The City set is so weak that you can't even open a newspaper any more without seeing every single one of its plot points revealed accompanied by a picture of Cynthia Nixon in a funny hat.

Thirdly, Sex And The City is a TV show, and we're not sure that the material is there to make it into a decent movie experience – although we're willing to reverse our decision on this one if it turns out that Sex And The City is actually going to be about Kim Cattrall saving the world from a collision with a giant asteroid by catching it in her fanny and blasting it back into space like some sort of disgusting Thai ping-pong girl. 

But you know what would make us go and see Sex And The City when it comes out in cinemas next year? All manner of pointless, severely-localised cameos that get shoehorned in to make up for the absence of an actual story, that's what! Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls is already down for a small Sex And The City role, but that's hardly enough.

Which is why we were thrilled to pieces to hear that New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has found himself a spot in the Sex And The City movie. Details on exactly what Michael Bloomberg will do in the movie are a little vague at the moment, but his spokesman Stu Loeser has confirmed that the mayor is due to film a scene for the movie in Manhattan's Bryant Park shortly.

While it'd be nice to think that Michael Bloomberg will be in Sex And The City as Sarah Jessica Parker's rival columnist who always starts his articles with lines like "You know, unilaterally setting aside billions of dollars for a city-retirees' health fund to stabilise unfunded future pension costs owed to city workers is a lot like doing it with a man," it's actually much more likely that he'll be on-screen for two seconds in which all he'll manage is one awkward smile.

But that's never stopped Richard Branson, has it?