Mayor - HecklerSpray

Nice’s Mayor Makes Jolie-Pitt Twin Birth Official, Just So You Know

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears‘ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

Crazy Mayor Tries To Run Down James Bond

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

British mayors have the best job in the world – getting paid to wear some Mr T-style bling while women's institute members give you slices of cake? How is that not brilliant?

But Chilean mayors have it even better. Not only do they get the requisite bling/cake combo – we assume – but they also get to try and mow down iconic movie characters in their mayoral 4×4. On purpose.

Don't believe us? Then look at Carlos Lopez, mayor of Baquedano. He's been arrested for driving a car at James Bond star Daniel Craig during a scene as some form of protest. Lopez was either protesting about the heavy-handed nature of the Bond crew during filming or because he just thinks that A Quantum Of Solace is a really, really shitty name. Either way – mad props, you mental South American public official.

Madonna Considers Becoming Mayor of London

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Madonna has said that she will not vote for Ken Livingston at the upcoming London Mayoral elections.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade – in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

Awesome Or Off-Putting: Satanists Abduct, Brainwash Mayor (With Video)

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Satanists can certainly be a pesky bunch. Not only do they insist on slitting goats all over town and hanging the entrails in a tinsel-like fashion around old abandoned barns, but their people skills are generally limited too. For instance, according to former mayor 'Ken Williams,' some time ago they kidnapped him and made him hide from his first family for approximately three decades.

Honestly devil-people, if you're gonna pull that kind of stuff then you are absolutely not welcome in any traditional society. Go on now – git.

New York Mayor Gets Sex And The City Role

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new Sex And The City movie is easily the most highly-anticipated film amongst people who enjoy watching four crag-faced women sitting round a table talking about orgasms like they bloody invented them.

But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren – it's Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It's been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he'll be starring as yet, early odds are that he'll be one of Kim Cattrall's dildos.

That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know.