There are sequels that nobody wants to see and then there are sequels that nobody wants to see – and Spider-Man 4 is one of those sequels.

Despite Tobey Maguire not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4, Sam Raimi not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4 and an entire planet of people who've had enough time and money stolen already not wanting to see Spider-Man 4, Producer Laura Ziskin has announced that Spider-Man 4 will be released in May 2011.

Awful news, we know. But on the plus side Spider-Man 4 can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3 – that is unless someone decides to give Spider-Man a crime-fighting Scrappy-Doo style son and they go into space together to save the world from global warming and… no, wait, then it'd still be better than Spider-Man 3. No omelette scenes, you see.

Make a list of all the things you'd hate to see in a superhero movie. What's on it? Several extending singing and dancing numbers? A goodie who turns bad when he brushes his hair a certain way? So many villains that they only get about a nanoblip of screentime each? A mid-film interlude about how fun it is to dance the Twist and cook eggs at the same time? Congratulations, you've just described Spider-Man 3.

Spider-Man 3 stands as one of the most clueless big-budget studio movies of all time; a film where the writer, studio, director and each individual actor tried to make a completely different movie. Spider-Man 3 was such a mess that Kirsten Dunst said she didn't want to make Spider-Man 4 before it was even released, and then went off for a boozy little meltdown in rehab afterwards. And Kirsten Dunst was in Marie Antoinette, so she knows cack when she gets paid to star in it.

But even though Spider-Man 3 looked like a franchise-killer of Batman And Robin proportions, it's not over yet. Last week producer Laura Ziskin told cinemas that Spider-Man 4 is still going to happen, and it'll be released in less than three years too. Firstshowing reports:

Producer Laura Ziskin told theaters owners on Thursday that Spider-Man 4 is tentatively scheduled to arrive in May of 2011. Although rumors have been circulating surrounding both Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire's return, nothing is concrete yet. The farthest they've gone is to pay Marvel to secure the rights yet again, which is at least confirmation that they will continue.

There isn't a script for Spider-Man 4 yet, but one is apparently being written by James Vanderbilt, who wrote Zodiac (good) and a film that had John Travolta in it (bad). But however Vanderbilt's script turns out, it still can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3's for the simple fact that it wasn't written in purple wax crayon by a farting egg-fixated toddler.

And only then can discussions start seriously. If the script's good enough, Sam Raimi will direct it. If the money's good enough, Tobey Maguire will return to star in it. And if there's a trail of vodka miniatures leading from her house to the film set, we don't doubt that Kirsten Dunst will make an appearance as well.

Phew! If that happens, it'll be business as usual. Except, you know, Spider-Man 3 was business as usual as well, and that made us want to vomit blood into a bucket. And then drown ourselves in all the blood-sick. And then set ourselves on fire. 

So, yeah, more of that please.

Read more:

Spider-Man Will Return in 2011! But Do We Want Him To? – First Showing