Not so long ago, Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks was named as the best-looking woman in America by Esquire.
That doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Esquire? Who reads that? A bunch of aftershave-wearing lah-di-dahs, that’s who. Nobody cares about Esquire. And ‘best-looking’? We’re judging women here, not hanging baskets. So sorry Christina Hendricks, we’re declaring your title null. No, a better test would be to ask Maxim who the hottest woman in the world is – because Maxim is only read by horny teenage boys, and ‘hottest’ clearly means ‘most likely to make said horny teenage boys drop their pants and start gruesomely molesting themselves’.
So in that case, well done Katy Perry! According to Maxim magazine, Katy Perry is the hottest woman in the world today. Hold your head high, Katy! Hold it high in the knowledge that you’re responsible for about 300 gallons of spilt adolescent semen. Be proud, Katy!
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Are you a fan of the TV show House? Is it because you’re also a fan of watching the exact same thing happen week after week?
Or is it because of Olivia Wilde? It can’t be because of Olivia Wilde, because nobody actually knows who Olivia Wilde is. Unless you’re a reader of Maxim, that is, because it’s just named Olivia Wilde as the woman who most horny adolescent boys imagine while they thrash away at their exhausted red-raw todgers with their clammy little hands the second that their parents leave the house.
Or the world’s hottest woman. Either/or.
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When Maxim gave two and a half stars to The Black Crowes' new album Warpaint, suspicions everywhere were raised pretty quickly.
Because, come on, two and a half stars out of five for an album by The Black Crowes? That's a bit bloody generous by anyone's standards.
Anyway, now that The Black Crowes have kicked up an almighty stink about Maxim's fake Warpaint review, the magazine has been forced into issuing a humiliating apology that's bound to harm its readership. After all, how are horny teenage boys expected to wank themselves into a sticky mess over pictures of Megan Fox in a bikini now they know that a blues-oriented hard rock jam-band got given an invented but probably accurate review in a previous issue?
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The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn't a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we've ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we've ever tasted.
We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom.
Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we'd ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we'd coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man.
Actually, none of that was true. We've never been to prison, and if we had we're sure we'd be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don't need to taste a tot to know it'd be delicious. It's kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently – without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.
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The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn't a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we've ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we've ever tasted.
We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom.
Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we'd ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we'd coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man.
Actually, none of that was true. We've never been to prison, and if we had we're sure we'd be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don't need to taste a tot to know it'd be delicious. It's kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently - without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.
Not so long ago, Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks was named as the best-looking woman in America by Esquire.
