Two days in labour? That must have hurt. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

“Kerry is fine.She had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.”

No word yet as to whether Katona’s constant fagging, drinking and, if rumours are to be believed (and let’s remember who we’re dealing with here, people), cocaine snorting, has affected the baby in any way. Suppose it would be quite hard to tell considering the gene pool it’s been swimming in.

There is some slightly good news though. Do you want it? Do you? Do you really, really want it? OK. Here it is: No more Crazy In Love! Yeah! Actually, no, fuck, who cares? The only people hecklerspray could find that actually watched this visual twaddle were a married couple living in Essex who were also each other’s uncles.

And grandmothers. And smelt of gammon. And said things like, “At the end of the day, right, you know what I mean, yeah?”

And didn’t exist. Kerry, apparently, put a stop to the show when her depression got the better of her. We know what you’re all thinking: what does a fat, moronic, failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever have to be depressed about? Beats us.

And, Kerry, if you’re reading this, we’ve got some really great advice on how to lose not only the pregnancy fat but all the other fat that was there anyway: Stop breathing. Seriously, give it a try for a couple of hours. It’s very effective.

Read More – Kerry Gives Birth To Tiny Max – The Sun

"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."

To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

To look at her, you wouldn't think that Jennifer Lopez suited motherhood particularly well. Not only does she give off the appearance of being self-absorbed to the point of dementia, but – if any of her recent movies or singles are any indication – she would recognise an identifiable human emotion if it shat up her nose. Plus, by some desperately unfortunate twist of genetics, Jennifer Lopez was born with a child-bearing arse, and that doesn't solve anything. 

But it looks as if it's time for us to be proved wrong. Not only was Jennifer Lopez so concerned about her unborn pregnancy that she didn't announce it to anyone except that crowd of screaming Jennifer Lopez obsessives, but she's also such a loving protective mother that she didn't want to reveal the names of her newborn twins until all the hysteria surrounding it had died down.

Yes, apparently there was hysteria about Jennifer Lopez having a couple of babies. Must've been while we were asleep.

Anyway, now this hysteria – you know, the one that exists only in Jennifer Lopez's head – has gone away, she's decided to reveal that her twins are called Max and Emme, as E! Online reports:

J.Lo and Marc Anthony's newborn twins are—sweetly, simply—named Max and Emme, Lopez's manager, Simon Fields, confirmed to People Friday. The children were born Feb. 22 at a Long Island hospital, with Emme arriving at 12:12 a.m., weighing 5 pounds, 7 ounces, and her 6-pound little brother showing up at 12:23 a.m.

It is simple and sweet for Jennifer Lopez to call her twins Max and Emme. However, before the names were officially announced, an eavesdropping hospital worker apparently heard Jennifer Lopez calling the kids Maximiano and Emelina, so perhaps they're the full names. We've googled both names, and there's a sweet little explanation for each of them. Emelina is a Teutonic name that means 'busy and industrious' while Maximiano was obviously named after either a ropey brand of ice cream or one of the Megazords from a latter-day Power Rangers series.

But, anyway, back to this hysteria. Jennifer Lopez is probably right not to announce that Max and Emme were called Max and Emme immediately, because it's in their best interest to not experience any hysteria at all. After all, this low-key announcement means that Max and Emme can grow up to have normal, low-key childhoods. A childhood that starts with a $6 million exclusive global photo deal with a string of magazines. But that's OK. There's nothing hysterical about that.

Read more:

J.Lo Baby Names Announced – E! Online