Matthew McConaughey had so much to celebrate – like his inability to wear shirts and the sudden reversal of his baldness.
But now there’s more. Yesterday morning, Matthew McConaughey welcomed a baby girl into his life. A baby girl named Vida Alves McConaughey. The meaning of the name is a little unclear – while Vida is Portuguese for ‘life’, it’s also an anagram of ‘diva’, which could be a reference to the baby’s mother; or ‘a div’, which is almost certainly a reference to her father.
Still, we’re thrilled that Matthew McConaughey had a baby girl – in our experience, girls have a slightly increased tolerance to the stream of insultingly bad romantic comedies that McConaughey makes for a living, so at least they’ll have something to bond over.
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Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.
What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.
What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!
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Think carefully – what’s the most extreme reaction you’ve ever had towards Matthew McConaughey? A yawn? A twitch? An imperceptible shrug?
Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.
Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert – one of them’s called Skylar.
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We’re not 100% sure on this, but Matthew McConaughey may not actually know what a placenta is.
We say this because the placenta from the birth of his newborn son, Levi, is going to star opposite Matthew in his next romantic comedy. You see, believe it or not, Matty-boy has still not hit rock bottom. Plus, the placenta is a more interesting version of Kate Hudson for about the same price.
Okay, we made all that up. The truth is that McConaughey is going to use the placenta to fertilize a tree.
There. That’s much less retarded.
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As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he’d name his baby have gradually taken hold.
But it’s OK – Matthew McConaughey isn’t like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son – Levi Alves McConaughey – after his favourite character in the Bible.
By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure – an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?
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Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done – now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please?
We’re only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them.
Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey’s right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his – when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating “Waaah waaah” noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.
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Admit it – if you ever saw Matthew McConaughey in any kind of physical peril, you'd leave him to it, perhaps silently rooting for the physical peril.
And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.
And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.
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Admit it - if you ever saw Matthew McConaughey in any kind of physical peril, you'd leave him to it, perhaps silently rooting for the physical peril.
And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.
And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.
Are you tired of hearing about all the celebrity babies being churned out, giving job security to the next generation of therapists and rehab facilities?
So are we, but until a drunk David Hasselhoff is videotaped eating a hamburger on the floor, or Paris Hilton pees in the back of another cab, babies is all we got.
The latest baby announcement comes from Matthew McConaughey, who announced on his website that his girlfriend Camila Alves is pregnant. It’s nice to see Matthew found something productive to do besides being shirtless all the time.
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