Predators: that looks a decent film, doesn’t it? We’re all looking forward to watching the limp-wristed Adrian Brody holding a gun in an image akin to a Twiglit holding a cricket bat, right?

What you probably didn’t realise is that the unfortunately named Nimrod Antel has recently honed his directing chops on Armored, which hits DVD and Blu-ray this week.

It’s a pretty simple set-up, evoking several shades of Assault on Precinct 13 (even down to some similar music cues). It’s the Carpenter film that the old pro hasn’t been able to make since he slung together the atrocious Ghosts of Mars and then cashed in for his bus pass.

This is a b-movie. Not the type of b-movie that presents dire pastiche and dresses it up as a loving homage to the past. No, this is a surprisingly decent affair. Did we also mention it’s directed by someone called Nimrod?

While most of the opening is spent establishing the family dynamic between Matt Dillon’s gruff, disillusioned souped-up Securicor driver, Mike, and his old friend Ty (Columbus Short). It all acts as window dressing to a central high-concept conceit that boils down to the good guys versus the bad guys.

And what a group of ne’er-do-wells our buddy Nimrod has managed to gather together: we have seasoned veterans like Jean Reno and Laurence Fishburne going toe-to-toe with the latest line of ‘oh, where do I know him from’ actors. We have that floppy-haired sap from Heroes and the Puerto Rican from Prison Break. There’s also the killer from Scream – what’s he done recently? (That’s rhetorical.)

Dillon and Short make decent work of what could’ve been one-dimensional machismo types, instead managing to convince that there is some internal conflict behind the carnage onscreen. It’s actually strange to have such a range of actors in a film so gloriously low-brow. Fishburne brings his considerable acting chops to what only amounts to sulking around looking evil. It’s a bit baffling but it brings some weight to the proceedings (that wasn’t a fat joke… although now it is).

It’s a tense affair, as the team’s planned heist goes awry, leaving Ty locked in a truck to defend himself while the other members of the group work out how to break in and get the money. The pressure mounts up and it keeps the audience guessing through its enjoyably slick running time.

Belief must be suspended for a fair proportion of the movie, and the budget is pretty low, leaving the action spectacle to be fairly minor. That’s not a particularly bad thing, and there’s enough style and pace to make it more enjoyable than a blue-faced multi-million dollar blockbuster.

The Blu-ray packs a few extras that makes this an average set, but the type of audience that this is targeted at won’t care too much about cast and crew commentaries to begin with.

With Predators on the horizon, we’re pretty confident that Nimrod can make any ugly mutha-‘ucker suitably menacing and kick ass on screen. Just watch Armored and see how well he managed it with Laurence Fishburne.

‘Spray Rating:  3.5/5

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You know the best thing about January 2? Nothing ever happens and we’re reduced to writing crap about idiots who nobody could ever care about.

But not this year! Oh no, this year is completely different – this year we’ve got some real news for you! And that news? Matt Dillon was caught driving his car a little bit faster than he should! And he got arrested! In VERMONT!

No, really, this is big news. Huge news. Matt Dillon is one of the most famous actors in the world and… oh wait, it’s not 1988 any more, is it? OK, carry on. Sorry.

We’ve always had a soft spot for Matt Dillon, and that’s why you’ve never seen a hecklerspray story written about him. It’s not because Matt Dillon is such a thundering charisma vacuum that he could set himself on fire and run through the streets machine-gunning kittens while repeatedly screaming his own name into a loudhailer made of matted blood and toddler-hair and you’d still be hard pushed to find anyone who’d care. It’s because we’ve got a soft spot for him.

But, look, let’s not kid ourselves. This is January 2. Nothing has happened. Nothing ever happens on January 2. We’re so desperate for stuff to write about that we’re completely prepared to pretend that people care about the minor legal infractions allegedly committed by past-it James Dean impersonators who once chose to star in both Herbie: Fully Loaded and You, Me And Dupree within a particularly harrowing 13-month timespan.

And that’s why we’re pleased to report that Matt Dillon has been arrested for driving his car at 106mph in a 65mph zone. In Vermont. In a rented car. A red rented car. But wait! That’s not all – MSBNC reports:

Dillon, of New Rochelle, N.Y., was photographed, fingerprinted and released with a citation to appear at Orange County Court, police said.

OK, actually that was all. Matt Dillon drove a car quite fast, got arrested for it and was released. What happens next is anyone’s guess – chances are that if Matt Dillon is found guilty of speeding then he might have to complete a community service sentence, possibly in a field that he’s already an expert at. And that means he’ll have to teach some deprived kids how to either a) mumble a lot or b) drive a red rented car at 106mph in a 65mph zone in Vermont. Because they are the only two things that Matt Dillon is good at. And the second one seems a little bit counterproductive, frankly.

However, at least by allegedly speeding Matt Dillon has broken his hecklerspray duck, and we look forward to writing about him again in the year 2013 when he does something equally newsworthy, like prodding a cat with a pencil or thinking about some crisps or whatever. We can’t wait!

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