Perhaps the greatest Christmas present a woman can receive is the gift of a gaudy mirrorball that looks like it was bought from a car boot sale, and that's what Alesha Dixon got after winning Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday.

Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense – what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares – Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year's Christmas number one.

No, wait, that's the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?

This year Strictly Come Dancing trounced X Factor in the ratings, and it's not hard to see why. In one corner you had Rod Stewart's wife with her bum hanging out and in the other hand you had a weird shouting Welsh alien singing 15 songs from the musicals that all sounded exactly the same. And, as any teenage boy will tell you, bums win. Even if the bums belong to Rod Stewart's wife.

So Saturday night's Strictly Come Dancing final was more than just an overlong dance assault presented by an old man and a woman dressed as a perfume bottle – it was a celebratory lap of honour that reminded everyone time and time and time again about every single thing that happened throughout Strictly Come Dancing from beginning to end in such detail that we may as well have not watched all the other episodes in the first place.

Seriously, everything. Presumably because the finalists had to do five dances – and therefore had to change sparkly sequinny outfits five times – the Strictly Come Dancing final was stuffed to the brim with any old filler that was at hand at any given point in time. Week-by-week retrospectives that reminded us that Kate Garraway couldn't dance and Dominic Littlewood was a bit of a twerp and Letitia Dean probably blasted vomit all over the place like a disgusting oil rig that smells of guts? Check. Dances by all these people that proved that they weren't so great after all? Check. Bruce Forsyth doing a big show-stopping number about how all women are suspicious of his constant sexually-predatory behaviour? Weirdly, check.

Dances by the two Strictly Come Dancing finalists? Oh yeah, that too. To win the coveted – yet painfully ugly - Strictly Come Dancing trophy, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon had to perform a punishing five dances each. At least we think it was five – by the time they'd both done three each we started to glaze over, all the dances seemed to blend into each other and we started to lose track of time. For all we know, Alesha and Matt might have danced anything up to a trillion dances each.

But we'll stick to five for now. Dancing their favourite ballroom dance, their favourite latin dance, some weird double dance to a T.Rex song, an identical dance danced identically at the same time as each other and a frantic piece of nonsense at the end. And picking either Matt Di Angelo or Alesha Dixon as the winner of Strictly Come Dancing was too close to call, which is something we learnt by having everyone involved in Strictly Come Dancing hitting us over the head with that fact every six or seven seconds.

In the end, though, Alesha Dixon was inevitably crowned as Strictly Come Dancing champion over Matt Di Angelo, which might have something to do with the way that at no point during the series did she muddle up her dance, go and sit on some steps and start crying like a big baby girl in front of millions and millions of viewers.

So congratulations to Alesha Dixon, who joins other Strictly Come Dancing winners like, um, that cricket bloke and, you, know, the others. Since winning Strictly Come Dancing, bookmakers have already slashed the odds of Alesha Dixon getting a number one record next year, even though nobody seems to have realised that, as gifted a dancer as she may be, when Alesha Dixon sings she makes a noise like a binbag of terrier puppies being pushed down some stairs.

Kenny to win.

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The Final: Results - Strictly Come Dancing 

We can't quite believe it, but it's the final of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow night, as Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo face off to, um, dance. And stuff.

It's an emotional time here – not just because it marks the end of Strictly Come Dancing, but because it also means we'll have to end our near-obsessive Strictly Come Dancing research on the Digital Spy forums. Whatever will we do without Strictly Come Dancing in our lives? What's that? What do you mean there's always Dance X? How dare you insult us like that! Get out! Go on, get out!

So, will Strictly Come Dancing 2007 be won by Matt Di Angelo or Alesha Dixon? Here's the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…

Alesha Dixon – So far throughout Strictly Come Dancing, Alesha Dixon has broken record after record. Most top scores, highest score ever, best use of dance to show an ex-husband how stupid for shtupping Javine after meeting at a Boney M-themed musical… and yet last week Alesha still found herself in the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off. So this week Alesha Dixon had it all to prove, and so she went about her Quickstep to Valerie with a ferocious amount of attack. Dressed in what seemed like a stolen wedding dress, Alesha thumped through her absurdly busy routine and made it look like the easiest thing in the world, even though if Letitia Dean tried it she'd be committed to an oxygen tent for the rest of her life. As for the Strictly Come Dancing judges, they were dumbstruck: "Alesha, you might be the last girl standing, but you look like the First Lady of dancing!" they said. SCORE – 38

Alesha's second Strictly Come Dancing dance was an Argentine Tango to I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You. Apparently the history of the Argentine Tango is about banging a bunch of whores, which meant that Alesha needed to put on an all-out display of sexuality. And she did – rubbing her bits up and down her partner like nobody's business and getting within a hair's breath of an actual tonguey snog at a couple of points. Alesha's dance made her nan – in the audience – cry, although we don't know if they we tears of happiness, sadness, sexual repulsion or what. Again, the Strictly Come Dancing judges mightily approved: "The irresistible power of subtle seduction. All the way through, it was great." SCORE – 38; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 1/3

Next week - bugger off, it's Christmas. But next year – Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack betting odds. Can you see how happy we are about that? Can you? But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The Strictly Come Dancing final takes place this Saturday, but poor old Gethin Jones – who was eliminated last week – won't be taking part.

Gethin Jones was voted off Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday night after getting just a teensy bit too big for his boots. It literally took Gethin Jones months to learn how to emote properly during a dance, but on Saturday his emotion warped into a horrible sort of self-parody – we can't even remember the dances that he did because we were too busy looking at all the weird faces that he and his Strictly Come Dancing partner kept making at each other. Unless the story of their dance really was about a gay vampire chasing a woman with brainfreeze, in which case it was uncanny.

Who'll win the Strictly Come Dancing final on Saturday? here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Di Angelo, with help from Paddy Power…

Matt Di Angelo – Matt's Strictly Come Dancing meltdown has already entered the realms of the legendary, even though it's a bit of a crap legend about a boy turning left instead of right and then pulling a sad face. But Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing was Matt's time to answer his critics, and he first attempted to do this with an Argentine Tango to La Yumba, which mainly involved him standing completely still while his partner wiggled her legs around him, and then picking her up and holding her upside down at the end. It was a bit dull, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to think it was OK: "You came back fully loaded!" they screeched. Also, we think Matt Di Angelo got extra points under the 'wear clothes that rhyme with your name' rule, since Matt danced in a cravat. Let's all be thankful that his name isn't Mikini. SCORE – 35

And then Matt Di Angelo came back for his second Strictly Come Dancing performance, a waltz to Open Arms. And sweet baby Moses, was it ever meaningful. Stuffed to the brim with weighty glances into the middle distance, endless twirling and bits where Matt rubbed his partner's face like a blind man looking for the exit of a burning building. It was epic, like the final scene of a move, albeit a bit of a crap movie about a slightly smug dancing boy. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges piddled themselves stupid about it, even giving Matt a standing ovation and saying things like "winners never quit, quitters never win, and you've come out and given it a winning performance." And he got a perfect score for it, the bugger. SCORE – 40; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Letitia Dean has narrowly missed the semi-finals of Strictly Come Dancing, but it’s not all bad news – she managed to stay on the show for about two months longer than anyone thought she would.

But now that it’s near Christmas, Letitia had to somehow balance Strictly Come Dancing, starring in a pantomime and not vomiting down herself like a messy puppy all at once. And it was too big an ask for our apple-faced friend. Her two Strictly Come Dancing routines involved various amounts of bobbing and windmilling and manic flailing and what seemed to be an impression of a woman lunging at an invisible cake shop, but it wasn’t to be. But at least now Letitia Dean can look herself in the eye and say that she’s a better dancer than Kate Garraway. Can you? Hopefully you can, she was rubbish.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Di Angelo, with help from Paddy Power…

Matt Di Angelo – Now that Strictly Come Dancing is in its final stages, Matty Di Angelo has decided that it’s time to kill or be killed. Evidently, he’s gone for the ‘be killed’ option, because on Saturday’s show he managed to self-destruct in a way we hardly thought possible. The song choice hardly helped – this may have been the first time in history that anyone had attempted to dance to a Jack Johnson song, let alone do a proper Foxtrot to it – but somewhere in the middle of the routine Matt Di Angelo fell apart completely and went to sit on the stairs about an hour and a half before the song finished. It was weird to watch, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges echoed that, saying “You’re letting your nerves take hold of you. I know you’ve got all of this, but you’re letting it fall apart.” SCORE – 26

But, hey, Matt Di Angelo is a trouper, right? His second Strictly Come Dancing performance – a Samba to Blame It On The Boogie – was going to be a whole lot better, right? Right? Well, no, he managed to arse that up as well. Despite looking as if he was in the middle of a fairly interesting conversation with himself throughout, the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t impressed at all: “You were counting. Very flat footed, very sticky Samba rolls, and your timing was out.” Matt looked murderous afterwards, but then so would you if you’d just been told that you can’t dance as well as Letitia Dean. SCORE – 29; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds -  8/1

Tomorrow - the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

We knew the day was coming when Kenny Logan would be voted off Strictly Come Dancing, and yet it still killed us to see it happen.

Nothing could stop Kenny Logan being eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing – not his partner variously trying Gordon The Gopher around her wrist and using Kenny as a burly stripper’s pole, and certainly not Kenny aiming to express ‘romance’ and ending up looking like a recently-neutered bear who was sad because he missed his balls. Strictly Come Dancing won’t be the same without you, Kenny Logan. But that’s mostly because everyone left can actually dance.

But now that Kenny Logan is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – for Matt Di Angelo and Gethin Jones – with help from Paddy Power…

Matt Di Angelo – Last week was particularly hard on Matt Di Angelo because not only did he have two separate dances to learn – a Tango to What You Waiting For and a Rumba to Get Here – but he also had to learn lines for EastEnders too, and we all know how hard it is to remember how to snivel in a prison properly, don’t we? All this work seemed to affect Matt somehow, because right after his jerky, comedy double-taking first dance he suddenly got all grit-toothed and red-eyed like he was either going to start crying or stab Bruce Forsyth to death. Not that he needed to, of course – the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it, saying that it was “strong, proud – you’re like a snarling lion,” albeit a snarling lion that looks like it’s about to do a wee-wee in its knickers. SCORE – 32.

Matt’s Strictly Come Dancing Rumba, on the other hand, saw all of his self-doubt evaporate, but that was mainly because he was so busy concentrating on rubbing his own nipples. A quick time-honoured ‘walk away from each other and rush back’ ending and it was all over. This time the Strictly Come Dancing judges described the routine like this: “Performance: great, your acting: fantastic, but you have to lubricate the hips!” but even the praise wasn’t enough to stop Matt Di Angelo clearly muttering the word ‘fuck’ to himself afterwards, the naughty little bugger. SCORE – 33; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Gethin Jones – All through Strictly Come Dancing, Gethin Jones has struggled to learn the concept of having a personality, so last week an acting coach was hired to try and teach him how to display affection. And how did all this translate itself to Gethin’s first Strictly Come Dancing performance, a Waltz to If I Were A Painting? Well, it mostly made Gethin wipe his nose all over his partner’s face like she was made of Kleenex and blink a little bit slower than usual. And this was what the Strictly Come Dancing judges wanted all along, who said it was “graceful, fluid, romantic – you melted my heart. The most outstanding and commendable improvement of anyone in the competition.” SCORE – 39.

So Romantic Gethin was a winner, clearly, but what about Latin Gethin? Well, the acting coach certainly did a good job on teaching him how to act like a toddler in the middle of a three-day Haribo binge, because his Salsa to Azucar was stuffed with all kinds of dizzyingly overconfident spinning and grinning and sliding and waggling, and it was enough for the Strictly Come Dancing judges to start calling him “the loin king.” The loin king? He’s a children’s TV presenter. Urgh. SCORE – 35; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 4/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Letitia Dean. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

By rights, after all this time the only dancers left of Strictly Come Dancing should be the cream of the crop, the cat’s pyjamas, the bee’s knees, the mutt’s nuts, the monkey’s junk.

And, not accounting for a couple of mediocrities, that’s true. And then there’s Kenny Logan – the single most entertaining thing about Strictly Come Dancing. While Bruce Forsyth mangles his jokes, Tess Daly contorts her mouth into all kinds of crazy shapes and Alesha Dixon – ugh – dances well, Kenny Logan has taken the mantle of Strictly Come Dancing underdog. The man can’t dance – he refuses to dance – and just wants to stomp around independently of any music that happens to be playing, doing his best to force laserbeams to shoot out of his eyes. In short, Kenny Logan deserves to win Strictly Come Dancing. He won’t of course; he’s useless.

So who will win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…

Kenny Logan – We’re coming to learn to be disappointed whenever Kenny Logan wears sleeves on his Strictly Come Dancing costume, because it means that he probably won’t try to smash up the stage by angrily stamping his feet like usual. And, as expected, that’s precisely what Kenny didn’t do on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. During his American Smooth to How Sweet It Is, we even thought we saw Kenny smile for a moment, although hopefully we were wrong and it was a wonky growl instead. But then, just when we thought that the old Kenny we know and love had disappeared, Kenny stopped all the smooth, in-time twirling and lifted his partner over his head. Could he? Would he? Sadly, no, Kenny didn’t roar “HULK SMAAASH!” and bodyslam her into a wall – turns out it was just a Dancing On Ice-style fancy lift. It broke our heart to see it, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges liked it, the idiots. “It’s overwhelming, the step you’ve taken,” one said. Morons. SCORE – 30; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Matt Di Angelo – As previous instalments of Strictly Come Dancing have shown, Matt Di Angelo is not against acting like a preening bell-end if it means he’ll increase his chance of winning the show. But on Saturday Matt seemed to hit the ceiling of his twattiness-threshold, complaining that his Salsa to Vehicle made him look like a tit. And we can’t imagine what he was talking about – there’s nothing tittish about dressing up in a sparkly black skin-tight shirt slashed open to the belly button, spazzing around like toddler doing an impression of a worm-infested tyrannosaurus rex, thrashing his shoulder about like an amputee trying to swim away from a shark and then actually kicking a woman in the face. Oh, no, wait – all of those things are pretty tittish. But what do we know, because the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it so much they even briefly pretended to not be ten thousand years old, spurting out nonsense like “You’re bringing sexy back,” and “You’re turning into the Spice Boy of the competition!” SCORE: 38 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Alesha Dixon – It’s getting ever so slightly dull to say, but Alesha Dixon is quite good at dancing. Whatever dance she’s asked to do, Alesha Dixon comes out and does very well. And not even doing a Cha Cha Cha to Crazy In Love, something that – had Willie Thorne attempted it – would have been all over YouTube in videos called things like ‘Look at this baldy wanker’, could mess Alesha up. It was sexy, it was perfectly synchronised to the music, it was so energetic that we suspect not even the loneliest old man in the country could masturbate to it properly – and it got a ridiculously high score for it in the process. “This is a two horse competition at the moment, and you are one of the horses,” the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her, which seems a little unkind – a Shetland pony at best, yes, but not a horse. A Shetland pony with a lovely mane. Oh, lovely Shetland ponies. SCORE – 39; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 2/5

Next week – X Factor betting odds again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s a weird thought, that Strictly Come Dancing will happen tomorrow without Kate Garraway plonking around like a woman without any knees – it’s almost like the Strictly Come Dancing judges are winning.

We can’t let this happen. It’s a little-known fact that when a bad dancer is voted off Strictly Come Dancing, a fairy dies. And is that what you want? Is it? Dead fairies all over the place? No, of course not. That’s why it’s imperative that you keep Kenny Logan in Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow. Yes, the judges will all go bright purple if he isn’t voted out and, yes, he’s very obviously useless at dancing. But Kenny Logan represents the underdog in all of us, and to vote him out would be to succumb to the bullies, to the bosses, to everyone who’s ever held you back in life. Plus he dances like an idiot and it’s funny.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – All through Strictly Come Dancing Gethin Jones has had problems expressing passion; although he’s roughly as passionate as a box of three-week-old sawdust, his partner and the Strictly Come Dancing judges all want him to be able to break hymens on sight. Could he manage this with his Rumba to Lost on Saturday’s show? Nope – even though he had an untied bowtie around his neck, all Gethin could manage was a small amount of forehead-touching. That’s a slight improvement on last week’s wink, so there’s still hope for Gethin yet – maybe in about a million years he’ll actually be ready for full sex. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were disappointed too, and marked the dance like a bunch of pensioners who’d misplaced their viagra, telling Gethin that “That was well executed, everything was there, but it lacked the lady killer instinct.” So that’s what Gethin needs to do – murder more ladies. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1

John Barnes – Give John Barnes some latin rhythms to dance to and he’ll jolt about like someone’s replaced his lower spine with an electric whisk, but make him do a ballroom dance and he’s rubbish. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes did a ballroom dance – a Tango to Dance With Me – so you can probably guess how it went. Apparently the secret to the Tango is all about performance, and anyone who remembers John Barnes’ 1990 advert for Lucozade Sport knows that performance isn’t his strong suit. This was amply reinforced during his routine, where John was concentrating so hard on stopping his hip from spazzing out that all trace of personality was beaten to the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were equally unimpressed, saying “I felt nothing when you did this dance.” Poor lambs. SCORE – 28; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 40/1

Alesha Dixon – It’s getting harder and harder to remember that Alesha Dixon was once in a vaguely urbanish girlgroup who released an album that – we think – was all about how much they liked deviant sexual practises involving tongues and anuses, because on Strictly Come Dancing Alesha Dixon is near-perfect week after week after week. On Saturday, Alesha’s Waltz to A Time For Us was typically flawless and she managed to nail it both technically and emotionally, getting an impossibly high score and leaving the Strictly Come Dancing judges almost speechless: “Floaty, fluid, flawless – I was carried away and I forgot where I was” they said. Alesha Dixon is far and away the favourite to walk off with the Strictly Come Dancing title this year, and that’s the way it’ll stay unless she decides to revisit her arse-tonguing past onstage in the coming weeks. SCORE – 38; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/15

Matt Di Angelo – Having barely survived the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off in the previous show, Matt Di Angelo knew he had it all to play for on Saturday’s show, which is why he chose to do an eye-meltingly complicated Quickstep to Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby. Leaping about like a gazelle having its hooves shot at by a grizzled old cowboy, Matt somehow overcame the impossible and managed to pull off the whole routine without getting his legs caught around his neck and choking himself to death. And because he didn’t end up kicking himself in the eye, Matt was justly rewarded by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told him that “That was the most difficult and complex choreography we’ve ever seen on show.” More than that, being in a dance-off also forced Matt to add some humility to the routine, which is why, for the first time, we didn’t want to slap him in his silly little face during the dance. We know. We’re sorry. SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing – 5/1

Next week – X Factor betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Penny Penny Penny, when will you learn? On Strictly Come Dancing Penny Lancaster has shown that if she put her hair up and danced an old-fashioned ballroom dance she’d sail through the elimination process easily.

So what did Penny Lancaster do on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? She let her hair down and tried to be energetic, that’s what. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Penny decided to dance the Salsa to something that may as well have been Agadoo for all the bloody good it did her. Aiming for ‘vivaciously sexy’ and ending up with something appropriating ‘epileptic woman being exorcised at a disco’, Penny’s bewildering effort left the Strictly Come Dancing viewers wondering if her remote control vibrator was somehow stuck on the ‘destroy’ setting. Needless to say that Penny Lancaster is now out of Strictly Come Dancing for good.

But without Penny Lancaster, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Matt Di Angelo, Kate Garraway and Letitia Dean, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – Over the course of Strictly Come Dancing so far, Gethin Jones has had trouble acting in a sexy way, partially because his day-job involves making pencil holders out of bog roll – but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing it all came together thanks to Gethin’s Viennese Waltz to Falling. That’s a dance that requires grace rather than overt sexiness, so Gethin could dance normally without worrying that he had to dry-hump anyone’s face, while any sexiness came from his partner rolling around in his arms at the beginning and end like she was having a full-on orgasm. That was noticed by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who pointed out that “Camilla melted in his arms like whipped cream in a coffee” – which presumably meant that Gethin also sustained extensive scalding to his arms, torso and balls in the process. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 5/1

Matt Di Angelo – Since Strictly Come Dancing began, Matt Di Angelo has proved that he can jig around like a sparkly ninja, but on Saturday the question was whether or not he could waltz. And the answer was ‘not without pulling a face like a gay duck mildly disapproving of something’. But Matt Di Angelo’s monstrous ego at least afforded him the self-confidence to at least look like he was pulling it off, adding a cheeky half-grin at the end of his Viennese Waltz to When A Man Loves A Woman that, if Strictly Come Dancing was a Disney film, would have summoned a group of whistling bluebirds to land on his shoulders. But were the Strictly Come Dancing judges pleased with Matt’s routine? They told him that “you have to focus. Nail the routine so that it comes naturally,” which we think is a yes. Or a partial yes. Oh, we don’t care. SCORE – 29; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Kate Garraway – Much was made of the Foxtrot that Kate Garraway rolled out the week before Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing because it was the first time that Kate had shown she didn’t have two left feet – or one left foot and a foot-shaped clump of kebab meat – and her Salsa to Peanut Vendor on Saturday was her chance to gain even more ground on her competitors. Did it work? Did it eff. So self-conscious that she looked like she was going to vomit, Kate Garraway spent so much time away from her partner trying to dance on her own that she looked completely lost. And completely robotic. And completely drunk. The Strictly Come Dancing judges, as you may have guessed, weren’t impressed, saying of the routine that “I’ve never seen less convincing sexiness. Not good.” So speaks a man who’s never seen Imogen from Big Brother‘s sex tape. SCORE – 18; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Letitia Dean – Last week Letitia Dean celebrated her 40th birthday. And, like all 40-year-olds, Letitia suddenly found herself dancing like someone’s mad old auntie with a rare motor-skill disorder at a wedding reception at 2am. On the surface, Letitia’s Strictly Come Dancing Salsa to Pastime Paradise was decent enough – there was no violently leering sex face this time and she managed to finish the dance without looking like she’d just run a marathon in lead stilettos – but the Strictly Come Dancing judges pulled Letitia up for her lack of hip action, telling her that the dance was “about as latin as a bag of frocks on the market stall.” At which point Letitia Dean burst into an uncontrollable flood of tears, which is something else all 40-year-olds do, we’re told. SCORE – 25; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 22/1

Tomorrow - the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, John Barnes, Kelly Brook and Alesha Dixon. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Tomorrow’s Strictly Come Dancing will be the toughest instalment yet, because the lesser Strictly Come Dancing competitors are falling by the wayside fast, leaving just eight dancers to pretend they stand a chance against Alesha anyway.

Apparently the Strictly Come Dancing dances being danced tomorrow are the Viennese Waltz and the Samba, with one competitor dancing to an Alicia Keys song, another dancing to a Michael Jackson song and someone dancing to Flower Of Scotland. That last one had better be Kenny Logan, because we get the feeling that our entire lives have been leading up to the moment that we get to see a graceless hulk angrily thwump around a stage scaring the young to the sound of sodding bagpipes.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, Kate Garraway, Matt Di Angelo and Penny Lancaster, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Alesha Dixon - Alesha Dixon is turning out to be the Leona Lewis of Strictly Come Dancing – week after week she turns in performances so dazzling that her near-perfection starts to get boring after a while. For Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Alesha needed to do a Foxtrot to Heaven – something she was dreading because she said she’s not very romantic. However, after her Nans came to visit with cream cakes and – confusingly – outfits they seemed to have stolen from the Dad’s Army wardrobe department, everything was sorted out and Alesha managed to bash out the highest-scoring Strictly Come Dancing routine of the night, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that it was “Full of grace, I’m enchanted.” So Alesha is a potential Strictly Come Dancing winner, but a smidge of personality would be nice – maybe tomorrow she can charge about like a rapist like Kenny Logan does. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/5

Kate Garraway – By rights Kate Garraway should have been public enemy number one after the public voted to keep her in Strictly Come Dancing at the cost of the technically superior Gabby Logan, but everyone knows you can’t be public enemy number one when an army of middle-aged men open lust after your cleavage, so the whole controversy was neatly brushed under the carpet by the time Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing rolled around. And just to make matters worse, Kate Garraway’s Foxtrot to I Could Write A Book wasn’t offensively terrible either. True, the reason it wasn’t terrible is because Kate Garraway had appeared to sellotape herself to her partner so he could just haul her around the stage as gracefully as he possibly could without her ever having to break free and nause things up, but it worked – the Strictly Come Dancing judges said the routine had: “beautiful pivots, I never expected what I just saw.” It confused us too, and we’re just hoping normality is returned next week when Kate Garraway jolts about like a broken robot likes she usually does. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 100/1

Matt Di Angelo – Matt Di Angelo, the cockiest little upstart since Little Lord Fauntleroy, gained the highest score in the previous Strictly Come Dancing. We suspected this meant that he’d totally overshoot for Saturday’s show and try a routine so complicated that his legs would snap off and he’d gore his own stomach with his shins. And we were sort of right – Matt Di Angelo’s Paso Doble to Smooth Criminal was so fiddly that it seemed to be put together with the sole intention of making the crowd go “Woooooo!” every three or four seconds. Thanks to the song choice, Matt Di Angelo was only a bottle of Jesus Juice and a bowl of giraffe blood away from a full-on Michael Jackson impersonation. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed with us too, telling Matt that “It wasn’t a Paso in my mind.” But the criticism is good, as is anything that makes Matt Di Angelo less insufferable. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

Penny Lancaster - Having narrowly missed elimination from Strictly Come Dancing two weeks ago, Penny Lancaster knew she had to win the public over with her Foxtrot to This Can’t Be Love. And, since the public proved that it doesn’t like the sight of Penny Lancaster with her hair down waggling her bum about, for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing she wore her hair up and kept her arse mercifully covered, too. And it worked, too – even though we thought the whole thing was duller than a trip to a digestive biscuit factory, the Strictly Come Dancing judges gave Penny her biggest ever score, telling her that she danced “like Champagne,” whatever the balls that means. Still, we can’t imagine that it’s endeared her to the public any more than usual, though, the leggy git. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 12/1

Next week – X Factor betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s the next edition of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow, and everyone wants to know whether there’ll be another shock result like last week, and also whether everyone is going to react as if their children died like last week too.

Having said that, the shock Strictly Come Dancing exit of Gabby Logan last week was fairly entertaining, not least because Len Goodman – a man who sat stony-faced when that Osmond woman collapsed in front of her recently – has turned into the world’s most furious man because the public didn’t vote properly. So let’s try and get another favourite out tomorrow, because we get the feeling Len might squirt his brain out of his nose in disgust if we do.

Who’ll be the next to leave Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean, Penny Lancaster and Matt Di Angelo, with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook - Throughout Strictly Come Dancing, all Kelly Brook has basically done is frenziedly dry-hump her partner in weeny little scraps of fabric, but on Saturday she got to do an American Smooth to (Love Is) The Tender Trap, and that meant she got to slowly dry hump her partner in a slightly larger scrap of fabric. And, we have to admit, it wasn’t bad, and could have got a perfect score if only her crazed wildcard rebel bad boy of a dancing partner Brenden Cole hadn’t broken the important ‘two lifts only’ rule. And, much like fellow rule-breaker Jesus Christ, Brenden got punished for it by the otherwise-impressed Strictly Come Dancing judges: “You put three lifts in, and the rules are only two. That performance could’ve been a ten, and now we’ll have to mark it down.” SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Gethin Jones – Gethin honestly has one of the hardest jobs on Strictly Come Dancing – as a children’s TV presenter he can’t really allow himself to do anything too sexual for fear of kickstarting some awful pre-pubescent sexual awakening across the land. As such, all of Gethin Jones’ Strictly Come Dancing routines – like Saturday’s samba to More Than A Woman – have all the spark of a drizzly day in Milton Keynes sponsored by bromide. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t terrible – it was just there, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges could barely find anything to say about it, peaking at “No bounce whatsoever, sadly, and your voltas were absolutely terrible.” They could replace Gethin with a slab of meat on a skateboard next week and we don’t think anyone would really notice. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 18/1

Letitia Dean – If dancing is a reflection of sexual performance, then sex with Letitia Dean must be terrifying, purely because of the ‘raunchy’ face she pulls when she dances an energetic routine – it makes her look like an out of breath apple leering at a field of cows. But on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Letitia got to do an American Smooth to Makin’ Whoopee, which meant she didn’t have to pull the scary sex face very often. As a result, the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t shudder so much and actually seemed to enjoy it: “A touch of class with a sprinkle of camp always works – just watch the shoulders.” SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 7/1

Penny Lancaster – On the previous Strictly Come Dancing, Penny Lancaster messed up her routine badly enough to stop being a contender on the show, so this week she came back to a samba to These Boots Are Made For Walking with the purpose of proving a point. That point admittedly seemed to be that she could a) walk provocatively while shaking her boobs and b) wear less clothes than anyone else, but she proved it anyway, booby-shaking and buttock-displaying her way back into the running again – which we’re hoping isn’t a plan that Dominic Littlewood plans to use at any point. Anyway, it impressed the Strictly Come Dancing judges and no mistake: “there will be weeks where a certain dance doesn’t suit you, as we saw last week. There’ll be other weeks where the dance is right up your alley, and that was one.” SCORE – 32; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1

Matt Di Angelo – Our worst fears are coming true. Matt Di Angelo, a boy so self-satisfied that he probably leaves a trail of slime wherever he goes – is actually getting good at Strictly Come Dancing. After his American Smooth to For Once In My Life, the Strictly Come Dancing judges said to Matt that he was “absolutely fantastic. Debonair, smooth, nice hands. I loved it!” That’s clearly the completely wrong thing to say to someone like Matt Di Angelo because he’ll probably start turning up to the studio in a throne-like sedan chair carried by slave boys now. No, the way to control Matt Di Angelo is to break his spirit with insults. And, if need be, iron rods. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds -33/1

Next week: back to X Factor betting odds – But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.