Articles tagged with: Matt Damon
You may have read that Matt Damon died recently during a hunt for lost Mexican gold in the desert. Well, guess what? He didn't. Matt Damon is still alive. It's shocking, we know. All the parts of the story seemed to add up - Matt Damon does look like the sort of person who'll eventually end up dying, and his thirst for perilous Indiana Jones-style archaeological adventures is what people love him best for - but it was all a lie. In fact, instead of dying in horrible circumstances, Matt Damon went to Italy. So at least the rumours were close.
Here's some advance warning - Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are making a fourth Bourne film, so stock up on the motion sickness pills while you still can. That's right - although The Bourne Ultimatum seemed to end with a satisfyingly piece of trilogy closure, you can now be pretty sure it didn't. Bourne 4 is on the way and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Best of all, Bourne 4 will be the first Bourne film not to be based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Phew, finally we won't have to worry about plot or character development or anything - just endless scenes of Matt Damon jumping across buildings and arbitrarily punching people while being filmed by what appears to be a drunk Parkinson's sufferer trying to operate a pneumatic drill on a trampoline on a boat in a storm. Perfect.
As intelligent, rational human beings, there's only one person who we turn to for enlightenment in times of great struggle - Matt Damon. Matt Damon has all the characteristics of a great spiritual leader - he's thoughtful, looks OK in tight T-shirts and his head is the exact dimension of a family-sized box of cornflakes. We need Matt Damon now more than ever, so we're immensely grateful that he's decided to tell us all what to think about Sarah Palin. According to Matt Damon, Sarah Palin is 'terrifying', 'scary', 'absurd' and a 'disaster' should she ever become president. Some might question Matt Damon's qualifications to publicly broadcast his ideological views to the world like this, but don't forget that he did star in a funny movie about a hilarious pair of co-joined twins once, and that's roughly the equivalent of having a PhD in political science. Video after the jump.
Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later. Had a kid - that's the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we're nice. This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn't a new brand of carpet or anything. Luciana Damon, Matt's wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there's a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren't as cruel as we initially thought... Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn't force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.
Like many people, Matt Damon's boyishly handsome face routinely fools us into thinking that he's not old enough to produce sperm in his testes yet.
But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again.
Matt Damon's reps haven't confirmed how far along Luciana is but that's beside the point - the point is that we're a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I'm Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.
Remember that video about Sarah Silverman having sex with Matt Damon and how you thought it was funny but sort of wished that nobody would dilute it by imitating it.
Well, consider it imitated. Imitated by Sarah Silverman's boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. You see, if Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon, then in the new video Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.
And the video is hilarious, really. Because, you know, Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck are both men, and if they're both having sex with each other then that means they're gay. And gay is funny these days, right? It's OK to laugh at gay people, because it shows you understand them. But don't let them touch you. Never let them actually touch you. Ugh.
In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.
2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we - like all other men if they're honest - have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.
For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.
