If you plan to be in Vienna on September 26, then we’re afraid we’ve got a little bit of bad news for you.

You’re terrible at choosing holiday destinations. Oh, and also, if you were visiting Vienna to see the Michael Jackson tribute concert, then you might be the only one. Because the flipping thing’s been jolly well cancelled.

According to reports, Mary J Blige, Natalie Cole and Chris Brown all dropped out of the Michael Jackson tribute concert, causing it to be rescheduled to take place next year in London. Sweet mercy, will nobody think of Sister Sledge?

In a way, the treatment of Michael Jackson after his death has been exceedingly well-handled, in that every aspect of his life has been perfectly catered to. For instance, Michael Jackson’s star-studded memorial service was a throwback to when Michael had the world at his feet. And his burial – in a tomb stuffed with gaudy replica artworks – demonstrated his questionable taste in possessions. And now the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna seems to be marking the fact that Michael Jackson spent the last decade or so of his life being a bumbling, shambolic flake.

And it looks as though Jermaine Jackson should take the credit for this last one. It’s almost like he channelled all of Michael Jackson’s most abnormal behaviour – the Hurricane Katrina single that never was, the botched comebacks, the constant lawsuits from everyone he’d ever met – and threw it all into this month’s tribute concert. And by golly it seems to have paid off. Because, well, it isn’t happening.

Earlier this week we reported on the embarrassing paucity of stars scheduled to appear at the Michael Jackson tribute concert. But it was OK because, between Sister Sledge and Shanice and US-5, there were a handful of genuine stars ready to buoy everything up. Mary J Blige was going to perform. Natalie Cole was going to perform. Even Chris Brown was supposed to make an appearance.

Except, somewhat inevitably, they dropped out and now it’s been cancelled. Reuters reports:

A scheduled Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna has been cancelled because of poor treatment by local Austrian media and the event will be shifted to London next year, organisers said. Organiser Georg Kindel told reporters that the tribute would be held at Wembley Stadium in London in June 2010, to mark the first anniversary of the pop star’s death

That’s right, the Michael Jackson tribute concert was cancelled because the Austrian media was being a bit sniffy about it. Not because people are sick of hearing about Michael Jackson all the time, or because Vienna was always a ludicrous place to ask megastars to travel to at short notice. It was because of the famously vindictive Austrians. You bloody Austrians with your silly hats and your famously low crime rates, buggering everything up for the Jacksons.

Because, make no mistake, this whole thing was a snafu of extraordinary magnitude. Not even Chris Brown wanted to perform there. And things can’t be great if Chris Brown – a convicted woman-beater who’s so desperate for attention at the moment that he’s willing to go on TV at regular intervals to reel off one incredibly ill-advised soundbite after another – thinks that going to Austria to directly associate himself with Michael Jackson would be bad for his image.

But still, at least the organisers are smart enough to put this behind them and focus on a new Michael Jackson tribute concert to be held in London in June 2010. No, actually, let’s say that it’ll be held up a nun’s bottom in Junetember 20poo. It’s probably just as accurate a prediction given the track record, wouldn’t you say?

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If you’re Austrian, then it’s time for you to get excited. The big Michael Jackson tribute concert takes place in Vienna this month!

And it’ll be awesome! Just about every musical performer on the face of the Earth drew inspiration from Michael Jackson, which is why all the biggest A-list stars have agreed to take part in the line-up. Well, OK, not all of them. But Sister Sledge are going, though. Oh, come on. Sister Sledge. From the 1970s. You remember.

No? Then how about a Lou Pearlman boyband that isn’t ‘N Sync or the Backstreet Boys? Hello? Anyone? Hello?

Remember when Michael Jackson decided to record a charity single for Hurricane Katrina? It was going to be amazing, he promised – a We Are The World-style extravaganza performed by Michael with help from legends such as Jay-Z, James Brown. Then a few weeks later it turned out that James Brown and Jay-Z hadn’t taken part and the performers actually included Shanice who did that I Love Your Smile song from 1991 and Jermaine Jackson. And then it never came out at all.

We’re just bringing that up because it seems like that pattern might be repeating itself with Jermaine Jackson’s forthcoming Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna. After the success of the Michael Jackson memorial service – which featured some of the biggest names on the planet, like Mariah Carey, Usher and Shaheen Jafargholi (who is technically one of the biggest names on the planet because there are physically quite a lot of letters in his actual name) – it looked as though the concert might have attracted the same calibre of artists.

That’s not exactly what’s happened, though. The first brace of Michael Jackson tribute concert performers has been announced and, if you ever wondered what the world’s biggest wedding reception mobile disco would be like, you’re going to be thrilled. We’ll list them for you…

Mary J Blige – Actually quite famous, if only for her alleged love of bodybuilding supplements.

Akon – A strange choice, because Michael Jackson was famous for his love of children, whereas with Akon it’s quite the opposite.

Natalie Cole - Has a lot in common with Michael Jackson, as they both released albums called Dangerous and were both once habitual drug addicts.

Sister Sledge – An obvious choice. Sister Sledge recorded He’s The Greatest Dancer, and Michael Jackson was the greatest dancer. Sister Sledge recorded Lost In Music, and Michael Jackson was lost in music. Sister Sledge recorded We Are Family, and Michael Jackson was in a family. Sister Sledge recorded Mama Never Told Me, and Michael Jackson’s mama never told him that locking himself in a bedroom with several children at a time might seem fairly suspect to the public.

US-5 – Honestly not a clue. They’re managed by a fat crook, though, if that helps.

Angela Bassett – Apparently Angela will “impersonate one part of Michael Jackson’s life.” We’ll say this now – if it isn’t the bit from Moonwalker with the giant dancing plasticine rabbit, we’re going to be very disappointed.

OK, so at the moment the Michael Jackson tribute concert line-up looks impossibly underwhelming at the moment. But we’re promised that more artists will be announced later this week, so maybe they’re saving the best for last.

And even if this is it, the prospect of a show featuring US-5 and a middle-aged woman doing a confusing Michael Jackson impersonation will still be the most exciting thing to ever happen to Austria. Seriously, have you ever been there? Jesus.

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So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!"

Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course – like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?

Jay-Z and Beyonce are notoriously private about their relationship. So private, in fact, that we don't think we've ever read a single news story about either of them. Ever. Oh no, wait, our mistake – we were thinking about every other couple on the face of the planet.

Jay-Z and Beyonce, you see, are all over the sodding place. If they're not doing guest vocals on each other's songs then they're watching basketball matches or fashion shows together. They're everywhere all the time together. It's just that neither Jay-Z or Beyonce want to tell anyone whether they got married or not.

There have been rumours of Jay-Z/ Beyonce weddings in the past, but last week when they got a marriage license things started to look a little more serious. And they were – on Friday Jay-Z and Beyonce finally got married. Unless they didn't. But they probably did. Maybe. Although they might not've. Oh, who knows?

Alleged steroid-addled superbeing Mary J Blige knows, actually. Taking a rare moment off from endlessly carping on about how difficult her life used to be, Mary J Blige told the crowd at a concert on Saturday that the Jay-Z/ Beyonce wedding was completely genuine. Unless she didn't. But she probably did. People reports:

"Mum was the wedding word from Jay-Z as he hit the stage in North Carolina on Saturday – a day after a friend says he married Beyonce Knowles – revealing nothing about a ceremony and wearing no ring. But co-headliner Mary J. Blige on the Heart of the City tour couldn't maintain the same level of silence, shouting to the sold-out Greensboro audience: 'Congratulations to my man, Jay-Z, and my girl B,' before starting her set with You're All I Need." 

See? And if Mary J Blige says that Jay-Z got married to Beyonce, then it really happened. Even though, you know, she didn't say exactly that. But it was heavily implied, and that's enough for us. Unless it turns out later that Jay-Z didn't really get married to Beyonce, in which case we knew all along that Mary J Blige was talking rubbish.

In fact, the more we think about it, the more unlikely it seems that Mary J Blige is telling the truth. A simple congratulations? That's not like her at all. Now, if Mary J Blige had congratulated Jay-Z and Beyonce and then used it to launch into a tedious 20-minute ramble about herself, like she did with Amy Winehouse and Jamie Lynn Spears then perhaps we'd have taken the bait a bit quicker.

So there it is – indisputable proof that Jay-Z and Beyonce didn't get married on Friday. Unless they did get married on Friday. Which they probably did. Unless they didn't.

We hope this helps.

Read more:

Mary J. Blige's Concert Shout-Out to Jay-Z & Beyoncé – People 

Made aware of Amy Winehouse's plight by a shining crack-signal beamed into the sky, Mary J Blige has made it her business to help Winehouse out by hook or by crook, whatever it takes.

Or she just mentioned it in an interview because she's got an album coming out soon and she knows it's newsworthy. Guess which one it is, kids!

When Britney Spears had her crazy meltdown at the start of the month, Dr Phil was at hand to sort everything out. Sure, Dr Phil's credentials might not be up to the standard of a state-licensed psychiatrist, but he's shouted "Get real!" at rednecks multiple times on TV before and that's almost the same thing.

But Dr Phil isn't there for Amy Winehouse. Things are looking doomy for Amy, with her banged-up husband apparently seeking a divorce and a video of her smoking all the crack in the world getting investigated by the police and possibly putting the skids on her attempt to, ahem, 'crack' America, but in the absence of a television almost-psychiatrist, Amy Winehouse has got the next best thing rushing to help.

Mary J Blige.

Now, granted, Mary J Blige isn't so much a qualified psychiatrist as a self-obsessed woman who might be on steroids. And she's not so much rushing to help as using Amy Winehouse's predicament as a way to drum up sales for her new album. But she has dispensed advice to Jamie Lynn Spears before and that's almost the same thing.

Speaking to ITV about Amy Winehouse, Mary J Blige said:

“I have things to say to Amy Winehouse, loving things and things she will be able to relate to. But I don’t really think she can hear me right now, because when I was in a situation like she was in I couldn’t hear.”

OK, so Mary J Blige isn't going to help Amy Winehouse come off crack after all. But she would, so long as Amy Winehouse wasn't on crack. If she wasn't on crack then Mary would get her off crack in a second. But she is on crack, so Mary's probably just not going to bother.

Did we mention that Mary J Blige has an album out? 

Read more:

Mary J Blige offers shoulder to Amy - ITV 

An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.

The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.

Steroids, HGH, Gummiberry juice and other performance enhancing doohickeys have long been prevalent in sports, much to the consternation of Mr Dick Pound – chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and co-chairman of the Yes I Know My Name Sounds A Euphemism For Masturbation Subcommittee along with Mr Wank Relentlessly. But now it seems as if steroid-use has left the sporting arena and entered a more dangerous territory – urban music.

Although entertainers have been caught with steroids and human growth hormones before – namely Sylvester Stallone in Australia and Chris Benoit – it's usually been because they've needed to rip the throats out of Burmese soldiers or murder their entire family. But rappers? R&B singers? Cross-dressing self-help writer/actors? Surely not.

But that's what an investigation may have uncovered. Entertainers such as Mary J Blige, Wyclef Jean, Tyler Perry, 50 Cent and Timbaland have been cited in Albany County district attorney P. David Soares' investigation into the trade of steroids and HGH. While none of them have been accused of breaking the law, they have all apparently been found to have the substances shipped to their homes, studios and hotels by a Long Island fitness club and its director of antiaging and longevity.

Needless to say, Mary J Blige isn't having any of it, as the New York Times reports:

A spokeswoman for Ms. Blige, Karynne Tencer, said: “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” Ms. Tencer added that Ms. Blige had not taken any antiaging steroids either.

And it's probably fair to say that 50 Cent hasn't taken any performance enhancing either. True, the man is built like a fleshy battleship but, having seen his movie Get Rich Or Die Tryin' we can safely conclude that his performance was just about the least-enhanced we've seen in decades. 

Mary J Blige, though, that's another story – especially when you see what some of her original full-length song titles were before she chopped them down for brevity. There was No More Drama Or I'll Punch Your House Over, I'm The Only Woman With Guns Like Watermelons, Stay Down If You Don't Want Me To Snap Your Neck With My Jacked-Up Eyelashes and, of course, the enduring Family Affair (Raaaargh! I'll Fucking Kill You Remix).

In any case, Jamie Lynn Spears should be thankful that Mary J Blige approved of her pregnancy, because God only knows what sort of soggy lump of twitching nerve endings would have resulted if she didn't.

Read more:

Prominent Entertainers Cited in Steroids Inquiry - New York Times 

But Jamie Lynn Spears needs support in this difficult time, and who better to give it to her than everyone's favourite overbearing soul diva with ideas half a notch above her station Mary J Blige. While the rest of the world tuts in disapproval and mumbles things like "terrible parenting," "statutory rape" and – in the case of all grubby old men – "haven't you been a dirty girl?" Mary J Blige is there for Jamie Lynn Spears, snapping her fingers, popping her neck and representing for the sisterhood so hard that it looks like she's having some kind of bloody seizure.

In no particular order, the shocking announcement that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant has caused the following reverberations: Jamie Lynn's sister Britney Spears denies it all completely, Jamie Lynn's mother Lynn has had her ridiculous Christian parenting book pulled, Jamie Lynn's boyfriend Casey Aldridge did a sadface on MySpace and the police have started to think about arresting Casey for statutory rape, tattooing the word 'hooker' across Jamie Lynn's forehead and putting a spike through the baby as soon as it's born to teach all slutty teenage girls a lesson.

But at least there's someone on Jamie Lynn Spears' side and it's Mary J Blige, the R&B singer whose past includes drug addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, rampant promiscuity, suicidal tendencies and a natty sideline career of telling everyone exactly what happened to her in excruciating detail over and over again, has decided to come forward and speak out on the Jamie Lynn Spears predicament.

Mary J Blige sent her message of support to Jamie Lynn Spears through MTV which, in Biblical terms, makes Jamie Lynn Spears the virgin Mary, Mary J Blige the three wise men, MTV the Bible and – here's where the analogy falls down a little – it makes Casey Aldridge God, Britney Spears the virgin Mary's slutty baldheaded sister and Kevin Federline, like, Moses or something. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the message:

"Stay strong, baby girl. If that's her choice [to keep the baby] then congratulations. Hope she's responsible and I hope she understands what that brings. You have to change your lifestyle so [your children] can look at you as an example. It's all about Mommy being an example, Jamie. That's what it's about."

Hah, that's… well, actually that's fairly decent advice. We were sort of hoping that Mary J Blige was going to go with "Microwave ovens make excellent baby cots," or "You know what babies love? Dirty heroin syringes."

But no, Mary J Blige has somehow managed to give a decent piece of advice that doesn't sound as if it's been stolen directly from the pages of Chicken Soup For The Soul for once. Let's hope Jamie Lynn Spears does herself a favour and heeds Blige's advice, at least a little bit more than she does with Britney's advice.

After all, learning to babble relentlessly in a made-up language is an arduous task, and can take up to three years of being married to a pointless redneck. Jamie Lynn just doesn't have that sort of time. 

Read more:

Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy: Mary J. Blige reacts - Yahoo