Mary J Blige - HecklerSpray

Shut the Hell Up, Lauryn Hill. And Pay Your Taxes Like Everyone Else

May 9th, 2013 By Chris Chambers

Despite offering a series of nonsensical excuses for her actions, hip hop star Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to?pay a colossal amount of money in income taxes over the past decade. She will also be under house arrest for an additional three months and parole supervision for a full year. And she must pay a whopping fine.

Looking considerably less glam than she used to … I guess six young kids and?looming jail time will do that to you … Lauryn had the balls to compare her tragic experience as a tax shirker?to her ancestor?s experience with slavery. Not a shrewd move, Ms. Hill.?She ought to have avoided that line of defense and instead just explained that she has six fucking kids and she would have gotten a lot more sympathy.

People understand about the exhaustion and forgetfulness that accompanies parenthood … though, ultimately that?defense wouldn’t have worked either since even with a hundred kids she could have still hired a fucking accountant. Or asked a friend to watch them for a few hours while she popped over to H&R Block.

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: Now With Pretty Much Nobody

September 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you plan to be in Vienna on September 26, then we’re afraid we’ve got a little bit of bad news for you.

You’re terrible at choosing holiday destinations. Oh, and also, if you were visiting Vienna to see the Michael Jackson tribute concert, then you might be the only one. Because the flipping thing’s been jolly well cancelled.

According to reports, Mary J Blige, Natalie Cole and Chris Brown all dropped out of the Michael Jackson tribute concert, causing it to be rescheduled to take place next year in London. Sweet mercy, will nobody think of Sister Sledge?

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: Now With, Um, Sister Sledge

September 9th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re Austrian, then it’s time for you to get excited. The big Michael Jackson tribute concert takes place in Vienna this month!

And it’ll be awesome! Just about every musical performer on the face of the Earth drew inspiration from Michael Jackson, which is why all the biggest A-list stars have agreed to take part in the line-up. Well, OK, not all of them. But Sister Sledge are going, though. Oh, come on. Sister Sledge. From the 1970s. You remember.

No? Then how about a Lou Pearlman boyband that isn’t ‘N Sync or the Backstreet Boys? Hello? Anyone? Hello?

Jay-Z & Beyonce Wedding: Mary J Blige Confirms, Unless She Doesn’t

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture – if Blige doesn't pass comment on it then it never really happened.

So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!"

Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course – like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?

Amy Winehouse: Don’t Worry, Mary J Blige Is On It

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Although Amy Winehouse faces personal and professional ruin after that video of her huffing crack got out, at she can sleep safe knowing that Mary J Blige is on the case.

Made aware of Amy Winehouse's plight by a shining crack-signal beamed into the sky, Mary J Blige has made it her business to help Winehouse out by hook or by crook, whatever it takes.

Or she just mentioned it in an interview because she's got an album coming out soon and she knows it's newsworthy. Guess which one it is, kids!

Mary J Blige & 50 Cent Mentioned In Steroid Shenanigans

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you ever wondered why Mary J Blige consistently beats you at 110m hurdle events, there's a chance that the answer may have appeared.

An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.

The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.

Jamie Lynn Spears: At Least Mary J Blige Is Happy

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The shock pregnancy of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears has shocked all kinds of reactions of people, be it sadness, anger or – in the case of all grubby old men – vaguely muttered sexual arousal.

But Jamie Lynn Spears needs support in this difficult time, and who better to give it to her than everyone's favourite overbearing soul diva with ideas half a notch above her station Mary J Blige. While the rest of the world tuts in disapproval and mumbles things like "terrible parenting," "statutory rape" and – in the case of all grubby old men – "haven't you been a dirty girl?" Mary J Blige is there for Jamie Lynn Spears, snapping her fingers, popping her neck and representing for the sisterhood so hard that it looks like she's having some kind of bloody seizure.