mary byrne - HecklerSpray

So, ITV1 have given all their money away to wife beaters and rapists. This is the new way. As such, this essentially means you have to watch X Factor twice, because they can't afford to make any new TV programmes. Thank god Kelly Rowland agreed to work overtime due to how much she believes in music. (Cocaine.)

Talk Talk have given stop-frame animation a go and simultaneously ired the entire board of the Academy Awards as a result.

This week we are visiting MANCHESTER. Although the show isn't in chronological order or anything, so basically we're just looking? at the bits they filmed in Manchester. Or at least ITV1?s edited version of Manchester, which involves a lot of day-glo and mystical interchangeable skies, apparently. Or Hogwarts, if you will. Due to the fact that ITV1 are not culturally familiar with the ’80s ‘Madchester’ scene, we must settle for gratuitous tracking shots of Selfridges over and over to fully understand where we are. Come to think of it, the true meaning of Manchester probably is ?18 lip gloss.

Mary Byrne is not a new televisual sensation. There’s a lot of people out there who thrill every time she sings on The X Factor because they’ve convinced themselves that, because she’s older/bigger-boned/not particularly good looking, she’s somehow ‘realer’ and more talented than the other contestants on the show.

The sad truth of the matter is, is that she’s a decent enough singer, but not a particularly great one. When she opened her mouth in the auditions, there wasn’t a Susan Boyle-esque ‘blooody hell’ moment. There was a moment of familiarity. She’s representing a million good karaoke singers from pubs across the world.

However, reports are suggesting that ‘Tesco Mary’ (PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!) may be a bit different from the rest of the pub crooners in the world, and that’s because she’s got an incredibly rich company backing her.

X Factor Review, Week 4: The Deathly Hallows Part 1

X Factor Caught Up In Fix Row After Tesco Thrown Money At Mary Byrne