What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?

And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?

WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!

Fact is, D-t’tha-O-double-G wants a nice, quiet night in when he hits the big Four-Oh later this year and plans to spend it with his nana.

He says about his big day:

“More people worry about my birthday than I do”

“I’m more concerned about my grandmother’s birthday, my wife’s birthday. I’m more about giving.

“I’m not into doing things for myself because a lot of great things have already happened to me. To be alive and spend time with my grandma is enough.”

So instead of being surrounded by obese assistants (all rappers have at least one of those) and draping thousands of dollars worth of diamonds around his neck with a custom-made necklace shaped like a weed-leaf, he’ll be sitting before the telly (on full-blast, obviously), next to a two-bar heater drinking strong tea and listening to complaints about immigrants before indulging in a light game of Rummy, with matchsticks replacing money.

He might have a big glass of pop as well, if he behaves himself.

PS: Well done if you read the previous article and saw this piece coming.

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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.

The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.

We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.

Like everyone else, we’re dubious when people use their position to start going down other avenues they normally wouldn’t had access to. Look at Bono for example – not only is he filling the ears of people with liquid shite, but he also likes to tell us all about the plight of poor starving African children. All good and well on paper, but when you consider that Bono doesn’t pay tax on all his earnings, it seems slightly hypocritical.

But Snoop Dogg is different to Bono. He seems the sort of person that would introduce you to booze at twelve years old at a BBQ and accompany you to the newsagents so you can buy your first bongo mag. Therefore, we don’t mind him flooding the market with more products embossed with his name. Following a flop TV show and a couple of recent ropey albums, he can’t count on former glories forever. One of the new products he plans to launch is a range of hot dogs. Given the swagger and confidence of most rappers, we’re surprised he didn’t compare the meaty snack to his penis size:

“My Snoop Dogg hot dogs will be coming out soon. The foot-long Snoop Dogg hot dog, you hear me? The ice cream shit is going to happen as soon as possible. Snoop’s Scoops.”

In a world where babies are classed as obese as soon as they appear from the womb, Snoop Dogg has thought ahead to make sure he gets on the right side of the health fanatics. Again, we’re going to go in with stereotype and assuming that Snoop won’t be dishing out aerobic instructions in a pair of tight spandex pants [What a fantastic idea! - Ed.]. Instead, we fully imagine a bevy of ladies prancing around in a DVD that scrapes the boundaries of soft porn and novelty hip-hop video. Snoop added:

“Man, I know how to work that shit off. How? I’ve got a brand new exercise that I like to do. I’m going to put out this tape so you can all see it.”

We can imagine the badvertising for the food and DVD now

“Sucked down a load of Snoop Doggs big and long sausages? Burn it all off with a crunking hot work out that’ll make you make you yelp like a little bitch.”

Hopefully, he’ll put some booze in ‘em like when he made mashed-potato with Martha Stewart.

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Martha Stewart is an eerie, eerie woman. She’s got that whole, dead-eyed perfect wife thing going on… apart from, y’know, that whole Going To Prison thing. And yet, Americans lap up her brand of perfect homeliness, even though she’s quite obviously a hollow husk of a human.

And so, in a bid to prove that she is indeed a human being, her dog decided to make her bleed real human blood.

How? It didn’t didn’t decide to gently let some blood from her arm and present it to the world’s press in a neat test tube, but rather, it headbutted her so hard that she probably had a moment where she assumed that the animal kingdom was finally turning on us, ready to overthrow our sorry arses.

The 300 year old Stewart address her audience, completely with mashed face with…

“First disfiguring mark on my face. Ay ei ei!”

No. Seriously. That’s what she said. The nutter.

She then went about explaining that, on returning home from a trip to South America, she unpacked and played with her dogs. Due in New York…

“As I leaned down to whisper goodbye to a dozing (French bulldog) Francesca, I must have startled her, because she bolted upright with such force that she hit me in the face like a boxing glove hitting an opponent’s face. I was entirely startled and my neck snapped back. I felt a bit of whiplash as blood gushed forth from my split lip. Frannie was as upset as I was and cowered in her bed”

Rumour has it the dog secretly chuckled to itself like Muttley from Wacky Races after Stewart was taken to hospital.

Despite the mishap, Martha said,

“I looked pretty good for being in terrible agony!”

“I’ll be alright facially … I’m not rushing to get a facelift any time soon!”

Feel free to disagree with her own views on her staring, cold face.

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Hand models, being essential to the global economy, must be protected at all costs.

Without them the rest of us would be quite helpless when trying to order a watch from a catalogue. Also mitten sales would plummet, and Palmolive would become just an ordinary dish soap.

Martha Stewart doesn’t care though. That’s why she allows the furniture she sells to cut off hand model fingers anytime it wants to. It happened recently you know – and not just to any ordinary hand model – he was a magician and a banjo player too.

Notice that’s all past tense – way past tense.

Patrick Albanese was a banjo playing hand-model magician who liked nothing more than to do things with his fingers. He’d use them to pick things up, he’d use them to put things down, and if our general suspicions are correct – he’d use them to cuff rabbits to the inside of very long and tall top hats.

One day, not too long ago, he was using them to pick up a piece of lawn furniture. He’d acquired said furniture from Martha Stewart’s Living Omnimedia company. Sure he did – he trusted her. He’d probably purchased her fine products before – and heaven knows he made the Quiche Lorraine from her Oct 2007 issue of Martha Stewart Living.

We made it too. We found it salty.

Anyway – Albanese picked up the lawn chair – and then the unthinkable happened. the AP says:

“A hand model, magician and actor blames a Martha Stewart-branded lounge chair for snipping off a bit of his livelihood. In a lawsuit filed Monday against Kmart Corp. and Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Patrick Albanese said he was moving the Martha Stewart Everyday lounge chair on a deck in June when the front tubular legs collapsed, crushing his right index finger between one of the chair legs and a tubular bar on the base of the chair. The lawsuit said the fingertip fell beneath the deck but was later retrieved by a relative. Albanese’s attorney, Guy Cook, said the finger tip was reattached by a surgeon.”

All we can say is too bad Tyra’s transgender friend didn’t know about a chair like this. He/she could have been in the right body years ago.

The whole thing’s got us worried though – what’s a hand model to do once his finger-laced appendages become scarred and hideous? Sure, he could probably model snow boots or something but that’s never been lucrative.

That’s not to say they could never be lucrative. Snow boots are a fine product, the world’s just nort ready for winter-time dry socks yet. Not on a major scale its not.

Awful, awful, tragic news – Martha Stewart’s dog has passed away.

Almost 13 years old, Martha Stewart’s dog had previously been struggling with renal disease of late, but recently lost its epic battle with the illness on Saturday. The death of Martha Stewart’s job – familiar to millions of fans through countless appearances in commercials, television shows and magazines – has reportedly left Martha Stewart distraught. Out thoughts are with her.

Or at least our thoughts would be with her, but we’re too busy giggling because the dog’s name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, for god’s sake. Still, at least now it’s dead Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are free to give the name to their next child without guilt.

It’s lucky that Martha Stewart is a cyborg with a seven-lever nozzled bolted safe where her heart should be, because her dog’s just died and we hate seeing women of her age cry.

Usually Martha Stewart finds joy in whatever she does, whether it involves rowing a pumpkin across a river, enraging yokels by trademarking their town’s name or being found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding and making false statements to federal investigators by a court of law and imprisoned for five months. But not even Martha Stewart can stay happy now that her dog has died.

Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – for that was its name, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – completed Martha Stewart. Where she was robotic and lifeless, he had a waggy tail. Where she possessed a steely flair for business, he liked to piss up against trees. Where she had a dry nose and a perfectly-functioning renal system, he had a wet nose and a pair of kidneys that couldn’t have been more knackered if they were made of smashed-up animal balls.

It was exactly that, we’re sad to say, was the undoing of Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. And Martha Stewart is genuinely distraught about it, to the extent that she wrote a special blog post about it. You see, even though he was named after the noise a six-year-old boy makes if you give him a plastic gun, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow was a loving, docile creature as Martha Stewart writes:

Paw Paw was a spectacular chow and an even more spectacular dog. He was always my loyal companion, displaying the most agreeable temperament… Beauty-Boy, Paw-Paw was elegant and kind and reserved and charming up until the very last moment. He was the only pet I ever had, with the exception of Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow, who was never disobedient, and never, ever, required me to raise my voice.

Yes, good old Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow and Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow. They were such wonderful animals. Not like all those other pets she had. They were right little fuckers.

Elsewhere in the blog post, Martha Stewart pays tribute to Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow with a series of photos captioned, as dog-lovers seem to always enjoy doing, in the dog’s own voice. And what did the dog have to say for itself according to Martha Stewart?

Martha always liked to bury in my fur. I’ll miss those hugs and kisses. She nuzzled me so gently. I’m not even dreaming anymore.

We won’t judge her. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and it seems that Martha Stewart’s involves being uncomfortably creepy. That’s just her way.

But how will Martha Stewart cope with the loss of a companion as loyal as – oh, alright, one last time – Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow? Well, perhaps she should get in contact with George Clooney. George was equally cut up when his pig died, and he found ways to get over his loss – namely by fighting with Fabio.

Yes, we’re basically saying that Martha Stewart should fight Fabio. Oh, like you wouldn’t want to see that too.

Read more:

Paw Paw: I Will Miss Him – Martha Stewart