What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?
And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?
WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!
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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.
The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.
We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.
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Martha Stewart is an eerie, eerie woman. She’s got that whole, dead-eyed perfect wife thing going on… apart from, y’know, that whole Going To Prison thing. And yet, Americans lap up her brand of perfect homeliness, even though she’s quite obviously a hollow husk of a human.
And so, in a bid to prove that she is indeed a human being, her dog decided to make her bleed real human blood.
How? It didn’t didn’t decide to gently let some blood from her arm and present it to the world’s press in a neat test tube, but rather, it headbutted her so hard that she probably had a moment where she assumed that the animal kingdom was finally turning on us, ready to overthrow our sorry arses.
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Hand models, being essential to the global economy, must be protected at all costs.
Without them the rest of us would be quite helpless when trying to order a watch from a catalogue. Also mitten sales would plummet, and Palmolive would become just an ordinary dish soap.
Martha Stewart doesn’t care though. That’s why she allows the furniture she sells to cut off hand model fingers anytime it wants to. It happened recently you know – and not just to any ordinary hand model – he was a magician and a banjo player too.
Notice that’s all past tense – way past tense.
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Awful, awful, tragic news – Martha Stewart’s dog has passed away.
Almost 13 years old, Martha Stewart’s dog had previously been struggling with renal disease of late, but recently lost its epic battle with the illness on Saturday. The death of Martha Stewart’s job – familiar to millions of fans through countless appearances in commercials, television shows and magazines – has reportedly left Martha Stewart distraught. Out thoughts are with her.
Or at least our thoughts would be with her, but we’re too busy giggling because the dog’s name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, for god’s sake. Still, at least now it’s dead Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are free to give the name to their next child without guilt.
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