Gene Simmons is a man who says he loves women folk, but you get the distinct impression that he actually hates them. Or, worse still, is afraid of them. That’s why he’s always unfurling that gigantic tongue of his at them.

As an aside, it’s hard to picture what went on when he bunked up with Diana Ross. She so slight that you can imagine he wore her like a glove puppet on his monstrous mouth piece.

Either way, all that’s behind him now as he’s all set to make an honest man of himself and marry his fiance of three decades, Shannon Tweed.

The pair already have some kids together (poor mites), but obviously, now that Simmons has little to offer the world outside of reality TV appearances and his dreadful pedestrian stadium plop-rock, he’s needing something in his life to make him feel of worth.

And which beautiful place, filled with history and romance, will host the knot tying? A HOTEL OF COURSE!

On October 1st, Gene Simmons will get married at an ‘iconic Beverly Hills hotel’. Fitting really, seeing as Gene proposed in that most intimate of settings – before a television crew.

We can imagine that the wedding will be filmed too, which is obviously a breathtakingly romantic gesture.

Seeing as there’s already a depressing sex-tape (and if you search for it, you’ll never hear ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is’ in the same way ever again) that features Gene knocking around, TV execs can be hopeful that the Kiss frontman may agree to recording his first shag as a married man too.

*pukes in hand*

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Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

Singing businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

We’ll never know, because they want to keep it ‘private’. Good luck to the both of you, but any fool can see the seeking of privacy these days is as futile a task as teaching a Frenchman to suck croissant.

An insider told the magazine:

"It happened earlier this evening. Jay wanted it to be a really private affair — close friends and family."

The ceremony was proceeded by a most happening crib party, attended by some fellow named DJ Cassidy – one of Mr Z’s favorites, apparently.

The wedding comes just days after Jay and Beyonce were reported to have secured themselves a marriage license in Scarsdale on April 1. Lots of people thought it was an April fool. Turns out it wasn’t.

So hurrah! And three cheers for the happy couple!

Hip-Hop Ho-way Ho!

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Jay-Z And Beyonce Got Married On Friday – MTV