Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Eternally disappointing fellow bony hip humper, Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Levine went ahead this weekend and married one of the many models he’s bedded.? Even after having the skim milk, some guys do end up still wanting to buy the skinny cow.
Most surprising of all though was that Levine managed to make it all the way down the aisle without tripping and landing inside one of the Victoria’s Secret model bridesmaids.?? Snaps to that, Adam.
Jodie Foster only just came out last year to the world, surprising the dozen or so people left who didn’t realize she was into beavers and Bermuda length shorts.? In her “coming out” speech, she made sure to thank to her long time girlfriend, whom she had recently cheated on, for taking care of their kids and calling her a “righteous soul sister” which I think means “world’s best stoner partner.”
And even while two decades and two children couldn’t make Jodie want to put a ring on it, she has decided to take that plunge with her girlfriend of less than a year. That has got to sting.
Stacy Keibler used to be a “wrestler” which basically meant she was paid to act poorly and show off her legs in booty shorts.? Then she?tried to become a serious actress, except that she was still missing that little thing called “talent.”? Eventually got?the role of her lifetime as George Clooney’s “Less famous girlfriend of the month.”
Clooney kept her around for?about two years before Stacy got?a little too clingy and comfortable with her gig, and had to be let go.? But now Stacy has gotten something from her new dude that she never would have gotten from George- a wedding ring.
If you are the product of moderately talented crackhead sperm meeting up with wildly talented crackhead egg, you are just bound to do some crazy off stuff. ?So it’s pretty expected that Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, would be a bit abnormal. ?But there are still lines here, and it seems Bobbi K just jumped the broom right over it.?
I know technically if there is no shared genetics, then it isn’t incest to start banging your {step} sibling. ?But technicalities doesn’t prevent something from being really creepy and gross. ?If Whitney was around, she’d be walking around, weave a mess, yelling “Incest is whack!”
Kaley Cuoco got married on New Year’s Eve to the dude she’s been barely banging for half a year.?? She decided to say “screw it” to even more tradition, and vetoed the white dress as well.? It’s cool,?we all know there were no virgins getting hitched that day.
Ah, whirlwind romances.? Aren’t people rushing to get married before they even know how bat shit crazy someone truly is just adorable?? Especially in Hollywood where marriage is taken just oh so seriously!
Mila Kunis obviously has a case of the “BUT I CAN CHANGE HIM”itis and she has it hard.? It is the only way to explain her relationship with Ashton Kutcher.? He is kind of good looking, so I get tapping-it-for-a-while-just-to-say-you-did, but to actually engage in a long term relationship with him?? Kunis either has very low expectations or Kutcher has gotten better with hiding his bullshit.
Now the rumors are growing stronger that they are going to take the next step.? Whispers of rings and babies are growing louder and louder.? Hopefully somewhere in the back of Mila’s mind, so is the whisper of STD checks and a pre-nup.
For some odd reason, Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian yesterday.? And by “odd reason” I really mean magazine covers and free shit from brown nosed clothing designers.?? The King and Queen of Stunt Relationships are taking their game to the kind of level that Stacy Keibler could only dream about George Clooney agreeing to.
In true Kimye fashion, the proposal was over the top, obnoxious, and not at all a private moment.? There will probably now be an entire marathon about these assholes on the E! Network leading up to a televised wedding featuring leather tuxedos, invitations written in all caps,? and life sized cutouts of Yeezus himself that all guests will have to bow to before entering.
In the weeks following his classy pedobear VMA performance, Robin Thicke continues to make headlines with his behavior. ?The latest reason being an interview he did with wife Paula Patton, declaring their undying love for each other and proclaiming how strong their marriage is. ?Which, we all know, is usually a tell tale sign of the complete opposite.?
Thicke, looking like he’s wearing a reject Elton John jacket, and Patton, sporting some awkward Jackie O helmet hair and a random gold heart across her overflow of boob, ?grace the cover of the latest issue of?Prestige?magazine (No, it’s okay. ?I’ve never heard of it either).
Inside, Thicke discusses how Patton is his rock and his muse. ?So, I am guessing that means Paula was his inspiration for “Blurred Lines” and it’s sweet lines like “The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty.” ?How romantic. ?Patton also tells about being there for each other through the hoes and blow jobs. ?Oh no, I meant the highs and lows. ?My bad.
Breakups are fucking difficult, man. As someone who’s recently (I say recently: it’s been three months, which is still a fairly big percentage of my life, all told) come out of a long-term relationship I know it’s hard. Which is why I’m so happy to see Russell Crowe looking like a happy hobo.
Truth be told, there have been points where I wished that I too could withdraw from society, grow a bitchin’ beard and put on a goofy smile for cameras. After all, when’s a better time than when single to grow facial hair? When you’re in a relationship, women crave the look of a good beard, but then as soon as you get close enough to kiss them they go “ow it scratches”.
If we get an opportunity to write about Miley Cyrus, we will. This is not because we find her particularly interesting (although we did like it when she was caught on video with a massive bong), but rather, we love the picture we use when we write about her.
Just look at it.
Either way, there’s news about her which we’ll be tiringly off-hand about over the jump if you like that sort of thing. Warning: Involves a ring.
