Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that Peter Kay has managed to ruin for all of us in his 37 years of existence: the Bolton accent. Jolly fat men. Amarillo. John Smiths beer. Bob Marley. The Brits. Garlic. Bread. Garlic bread. All charitable endeavour ever undertaken. The concept of comedy. Quite large swathes of life itself.
And now, as if that wasn’t enough, as if we, the British people, had not suffered sufficiently at his pudgy hands, he’s gone and ruined Christmas as well. Is there no depth this monster will not sink to to cause us pure, dazzling pain?!
You’ll have to excuse the hyperbole. It’s just that here at hecklerspray, as you might have surmised from our endlessly positive and chirpy outlook on the world, we ruddy love Christmas. And the moment Christmas arrives for us is the first magical frame of the Marks and Spencers Christmas advert. And this year, mostly due to the behemothic presence of Mr Humour Black Hole, it’s all kinds of rubbish. Read More >>>
Christmas is a time to spend with family and friends. Or, failing that, a rubbishy old boyband from the 1990s and a gaggle of neatly age-diverse supermodels. And if you could spend it in what’s basically the hotel from The Shining just to make it even more super-depressing, why that’d be just dandy too.
Apparently this is a desire that many of us share, which is why M&S has decided to ward off economic collapse by advertising Christmas using its normal collection of models in conjunction with Take That, who Happen To Have An Album Out. And what fun they all seem to be having – look, there’s Twiggy greeting the boys with a welcome note that looks like used to be used for holding children to ransom! Look, there’s Mark Owen trying to distract everyone from the fact he resembles Old Man Steptoe more and more with every passing day by cuddling a tinselly puppy!
Look, there’s the startlingly masculine model acting out Bernie Clifton: The Motion Picture during a game of charades! Look, there’s everyone getting progressively drunker and drunker until they inevitably end up in a disgusting swingers’ orgy where Lily Cole will have to end up with the tinselly dog because Robbie Williams isn’t in the band any more!
Look, M&S, you’ve gone about this all wrong. Christmas is about goodwill to all men. And what sort of goodwill do you think you’re promoting by waiting a full 77 seconds before letting Noemi Lenoir get her bra out? You utter sods.
Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that Peter Kay has managed to ruin for all of us in his 37 years of existence: the Bolton accent. Jolly fat men. Amarillo. John Smiths beer. Bob Marley. The Brits. Garlic. Bread. Garlic bread. All charitable endeavour ever undertaken. The concept of comedy. Quite large swathes of life itself.
