Not for lack of trying – he even toned down his outfit to just a semi-transparent blouse that gave him a cleavage like an old prostitute down the bingo. Given Mark’s tendency to grimace and flail like a rapist at any opportunity, his Paso Doble to Since U Been Gone should have been amazing. But it wasn’t, and he pulled in his worst score of the entire series for it. And this is Mark Foster we’re taking about – we figured the only way he could actually get any worse was to fart in Tess Daly’s mouth during a Coup de Pique.

But anyway, with Mark Foster out, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Lisa Snowdon and Andrew Castle…

Lisa Snowdon - We always got the impression that if you put Lisa Snowdon and Brendan Cole in a room together, the stench of cockiness would be so overwhelming that it’d peel paint, and we’ve yet to be proved wrong about that. On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing Lisa Snowdon came out on top, and so – as expected – she decided to go all out on this week’s show with a Paso Doble to Eye Of The Tiger. At least we’re told it was a Paso Doble – to us it sort of seemed like a couple of rubbish end of the pier magicians had kidnapped Lisa and Brendan, taken their places and decided to do a bunch of overblown pre-trick mystic arm-wobbles instead. Honestly, the only logical conclusion to that routine was Lisa Snowdon pushing two metal hoops through each other. That didn’t happen, obviously, which narked the Strictly Come Dancing judges off no end. They told Lisa: “You need to open and widen your spine. Work on it because I think you’re going to be fabulous,” which admittedly doesn’t sound very narky, but it was. Honest. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Andrew Castle – Even though so far in Strictly Come Dancing, Andrew Castle’s arms have almost dropped his partner and his head has banged backwards and forwards like a woodpecker performing cunnilingus on a taser, his bottom has somehow gained the most attention, because it sticks out a bit. So Andrew’s number one objective when it came to Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Annie’s Song was to tuck his arse in. And it was a success – for the most part, Andrew’s bum stayed roughly where it was supposed to. Now that’s out of the way, perhaps Andrew can concentrate on sorting out his feet, ankles, legs, torso, shoulders, elbows, arms, hands, neck, head, face and hair, because they’re all pretty woeful too. Especially his face – when he dances, Andrew constantly pulls the same face that most people do when they walk past the homeless, and it’s dreadfully off-putting. However, perhaps because his previous dances have been worse than terrible, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to quite like the routine, saying. “You have made such a staggering improvement. For a fleeting moment you were absolutely into the dance and that’s a first.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

Brilliant, we’ve always enjoyed thinking of Strictly Come Dancing as a Grand Prix – overlong, boring, probably quite expensive and with a rich old man controlling everything. And terrible for the environment. And it monopolises our Sundays, usually against our wishes. Perfect. Gold star for Little Foreign Judge.

But who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s part two of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Cherie Lunghi, Mark Foster and Austin Healey…

Cherie Lunghi – On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Cherie Lunghi managed to give the world a new favourite milf with a routine that got the highest score of the night. Unless she could actually make Len Goodman ejaculate in his pants this week, it was bound to be a bit of a letdown. Was it? Well, her training clip showed not even a ripple of trouble, plus she’d decided to inexplicably dressed as a wild west hooker, so that was all good. But dancing an American Smooth to Layla was a particularly bad choice – it was all plod instead of pizazz and we drifted off towards the end. Cherie should be given a small amount of credit for the way she was flipped upside down at the end and didn’t dislocate her hip, but she lost all that credit and more for not showing off her knickers like she did the week before. That said, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it, saying “You deliver on every level.” Which is true, apart from the knicker-flashing level. Sort that out for next week, Cherie. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – Previously on Strictly Come Dancing, Mark Foster was told that he needed acting lessons, so before Saturday’s show he decided to put that right. Sadly he decided to put that right by hiring John Barrowman as an acting coach, therefore propelling the gayness of his Samba to Spice Up Your Life to stratospheric levels. It was all out of time, clumsy, Frankensteiny and seemingly made up on the spot, but we barely noticed any of that, because Mark Foster had dressed himself in a mesh top that either made him look like a rape ninja or the world’s gayest teabag, depending on how polite you want to be. The routine was staggeringly bad, like the monkey trying to shake off his chains at the end of King Kong, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges could barely make out the words to tell him how dreadful he was, saying “the performance was vital, but you forgot to dance at the same time.” But we have to thank the British public sincerely, because despite being awful, Mark didn’t have to take part in the dance-off. That meant we wouldn’t have to watch him wiggle about in his horrible top again. Urgh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Austin Healey – We can all agree that Austin Healey is basically the Strictly Come Dancing equivalent of the boy at school who everyone hated because he was a cocky little tryhard who probably lived in a house with a bloody swimming pool, the jumped-up turd. It’s not an exaggeration to say that everyone has been waiting for Austin Healey to be taken down a peg or two, and that’s what happened on Saturday. Austin’s Samba to Everybody Move Your Feet wasn’t really up to the high standard set by his previous dances – it was featureless, a bit drab and kind of like how you’d expect your teachers to dance at the school disco. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought this was down to a blown step near the beginning – “You knew you had made some slight mistake, and it stopped you” – but we’re putting his comparative failure down to collective willpower. Good work, team. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd.

After a week spent bickering with his Strictly Come Dancing partner, Gary Rhodes was full of attack for Saturday’s jive to Lipstick Powder And Paint. And, to be fair, it was better than his first routine. Although, having said that, he could have pooed down his leg while screaming white supremacist slogans and it would still be better than his first routine.

Still, with Gary Rhodes gone, who’s going to win the show? Here’s the first installment of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Austin Healey and Mark Foster…

Austin Healey – Having had his opening routine described by the Strictly Come Dancing judges as the best first dance ever, Austin Healey decided to try and meet the pressure head-on this week with a Jive to You Can’t Stop The Beat. And, like a true champ, he hard an arsenal of weapons at his disposal. The odd pixie high five. The bizarre kung-fu kicks that came without warning as if he was some sort of demented Can-Can dancer with Tourette’s. And, perhaps best of all, the thundering man-cleavage he’d decided to give himself. Honestly, it would have been quicker and more dignified if Austin Healey had just gone to a doctor to have his bollocks snipped off. Incredibly, however, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved Austin’s routine, telling him: “You have set the standard for Strictly series six.” However, having seen Austin’s man-cleavage, he shouldn’t have too much to worry about – as soon as he gets voted off Strictly Come Dancing he’ll probably have quite a lucrative career standing around in his bra for the lad’s mags. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – There’s a chance that Mark Foster got Strictly Come Dancing mixed up with X Factor on Saturday, because he decided to make his training montage all about how cripplingly shy he is. Which, you know, might be halfway believable if he didn’t make his living from flapping about in his pants all day. Anyway, Mark Foster’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Tanguera was a bit of a confusing one – he misheard the instruction ‘look fierce and dominant’ as ‘clomp around like a terrifying serial-killing rapist version of Frankenstein’s Monster who’s doing his best to hold in a shit.’ As expected, the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t crazy about it, telling Mark that “You do have the ability to dance, but get this man to an acting coach!” Which is a fair point – as soon as his athletics career is over, Mark Foster could use the training if he wants to be in with a chance of scoring the lead in the upcoming West End musical adaptation of Bigfoot & The Hendersons. Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Andrew Castle.

What are we excited about? To see if Don Warrington can improve his form following his near dismissal from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? No. We want to see if Lisa Snowdon actually loves herself as she was making out on this week’s show. Dear God, we hope she doesn’t. That’d be obscene.

Anyway, we should really crack on with our Strictly Come Dancing recap of Saturday’s show. So here it is, and today we’re looking at Austin Healy and Mark Foster…

Austin Healy - Hey everyone, look. It’s a retired rugby player, just like there always has to be a retired rugby player in every reality TV show about dancing because it challenges everyone’s misconceptions about the masculinity of rugby and also because the players are hungry and unemployed and need money for food. Anyway, Austin Healy is on Strictly Come Dancing this year, and already he’s in the running to win it. One of the judges said Austin’s Waltz was the best opening dance by a man he’s ever seen, which is good because it detracts from the fact that he’s about 17 times less funny than he thinks he is. But was Austin Healy’s opening Strictly Come Dancing salvo any good? Christ knows. If you ask us it was about as exciting as watching a bloody lava lamp. Still, Austin Healy’s going to find it especially difficult to top the reception he received for that dance. It’ll be flaming hoops by week three, mark our words. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Mark Foster – Mark Foster is, if you don’t know, the swimmer who everyone thought was good until Michael Phelps came along and buggered everything for him. However, this just means that Mark Foster has come to Strictly Come Dancing with a renewed sense of purpose. Grey-haired and in possession of a body that’s half Iggy Pop and half pipe cleaner, everyone expected Mark’s first shot at Strictly Come Dancing to be an explosion of energy. It wasn’t, though. Instead he danced to Tennessee Waltz with all the vigour of a victim of carbon monoxide poisoning sufferer. The dance might have been good, or it might have been rubbish. To be honest we had a bit of a nap during it. But the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to think it was pretty average, too. Maybe they know that Michael Phelps kicks his arse at dancing, too. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow we’ll look at how Gary Rhodes did at Strictly Come Dancing. SPOILER ALERT: He did shit.