Panto season must be upon us, as formerly-relevant perplexing poltroon and peddler of pretend-angst Brian Hugh Warner has once again unveiled his Halloween-night-Lily-Savage alter-ego ‘Marilyn Manson’ in an unsuccessful attempt to outrage/impress anyone who still gives two hoots during a boozy night out in Las Vegas.
The vain attempt to appear partially interesting involved Brian going out on the lash in the Born And Raised bar in suburban Vegas – basically a provincial Yates’s from what we can gather. This was after, we assume, getting turned-away from any ‘real’ bars on the Strip all of whom have a strict “no wankers” policy. Luckily Brian managed to make himself look like the utter weapon he is.
Highlights of the evening, courtesy of the man determined to turn his previously imagined reputation of ‘controversial’ into that of stone-cold-fact ‘tiresome’, include:
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Hey you! We assume you’re straight! Why? That’s because we’re the product of a society steeped in the preposterous hocus of religion and, as well you know, religion don’t like the gays. Why? Because they make more money out of straight couples with their christenings and such.
Idiots. As such, when someone says “I’m not straight”, the world goes into meltdown! How can someone be Not Straight?! What would God think?
Mercifully, god doesn’t exist, which means, all you bozos leading a life of solely staring at the opposite sex are missing out on all the fun that actress Evan Rachel Wood has just revealed she can have. That’s because she’s bisexual, which means she can have sex with absolutely anyone she pleases, provided they’re of legal age and not asleep.
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Un-shocking ‘shock-rocker’ and massively uncontroversial ‘controversial artist’ Brain Hugh Warner is due to make a comeback next year, once again posing as unconvincing pantomime dame ‘Marilyn Manson’.
The entire world probably shrugged at the news, secure in the knowledge that you can’t create moral panic if you haven’t had a record deal in over a year. He was dropped from Interscope.
Christ, even the emo kids who hang around your local park drinking cider don’t know who he is anymore.
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Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.
Welcome, hecklerspray devotees – and those unfortunates who have stumbled in while searching for information on New Kids On The Block/menopause symptoms – to a shiny new, weekly look at what aural filth the major record labels are going to be flinging at us in the coming week.
In typically amateurish ‘spray fashion, of course, this inaugural Monday feature is actually appearing on a Tuesday.
We so bad.
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Sometimes when being satanic just isn't enough anymore, a fellow's gotta come up with new fancy ways to shock people – and murder isn't generally an option due fairly heavy consequences.
Our cousin Mort, for instance, drank a three gallon hot sauce-bourbon mixture that left him in a coma for just under five days. When he came to in that hospital bed, and he saw both of his moms staring down at him, well that's the kind of loving attention he hasn't had in years. It's what he wanted.
Marilyn Manson is kind of like our cousin Mort. He's desperately looking for something to get him famous again – and he thinks his answer is rattlesnakes. He wants to fill up a bathtub with at least 87 of them, then crawl in and let them intertwine with his privies for no less than 45 minutes. All this to get in the Guinness Book next to those two fat scooter-riding twins.
A noble cause.
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