In today’s world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way.

Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons – granted, he’s not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we’re allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us.

The most recent of DMX’s failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn’t really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.

DMX, known to people who don’t want to dignify that ‘name’ by actually using it as Earl Simmons, was lingering about a Wal-Mart, possibly trying to cause more mayhem involving drugs and stuff, when the police acted on a warrant and brought the vagabond in for his no-show.

The original charges levelled against Earl were related to possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, though reports this consisted of a T-shirt with the slogan “DMX Likes Pot” on it and a matching headband were unconfirmed at the time of going to press.

Needless to say though, these are definitely serious charges and ones sure to cement Simmons’ reputation as a bad boy on the rap scene. Or just a bloke who had some weed on him and got caught. Either way, he’ll be known as… a man… who did something.

DMX is also waiting on the outcomes of a few other cases, involving animal cruelty and identity fraud, amongst others. Come to think of it, we do remember receiving an email from an ‘American prince’ the other month, but we didn’t actually put two and two together until now. He offered us the chance to “Party Up” if we gave him all of our savings.

Naturally we did, but this ‘Prince of DMXia’ never got back to us. It all makes sense now. But why he would want to take on the identity of the amorphous blob that is hecklerspray we do not know. Maybe the life of alleged crime is too much for the poor dear.

It’s not the first time the X-ey one has faced charges – he was cleared of rape, a stabbing, impersonating an FBI agent and some other pretty comical charges like ‘mischief’. We didn’t know you could be arrested for behaving like a nine-year-old boy, but hey ho – at least he’s keeping his part of the bargain up and actually offering us some entertainment in his private life.

It would appear that outside of allegedly committing crimes, DMX is the only artist to have five consecutive albums debut at number one on the Billboard chart. (Alleged) crime does pay, it would seem.

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

Maybe Snoop really has decided that he should have a cleaner image than that he has portrayed for so many years. His apparent partnership with David Beckham was intended to save the universe, after all. The universe in California, at least. Through the power of football.

Hmm. At least he’s trying, eh?

As if to add credibility to his claims that he is a changed man, Snoop Dogg was recently not arrested – you read that right, he was absolutely not arrested – on drug possession charges. While out on tour with his posse, Snoop’s tour bus was pulled over by the federals for having an expired registration sticker. What followed was nothing short of a miracle.

Rather than, as we would expect, the police entering the vehicle, having a slight altercation, then leaving with the Doggyizzleshizzle in handcuffs, they left with two completely different people. Checks were made and it turned out that neither of them were Snoop in disguise – in fact, neither of them even had names that sounded like Snoop.

While it was adjudged to be a mistake initially, it soon transpired that the police involved in the arrests had not made a mistake, and for probably the first time in his life Snoop Dogg had managed to escape arrest through the benefit of not having committed any crime.

Wonders in this world never cease.

No, far from the story that has been written approximately once every week and a half for the last 20 years – ‘Snoop Dogg Arrested For [inset crime here]‘ – Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey are the names on the lips of the police and all reporters. Unfortunately, no one knows who they actually are, bar their names and the fact that they were part of Snoop’s posse. As a result, all headlines still refer to Snoop Dogg’s involvement.

It’s a funny old world.

Hopefully this slight deviation won’t become common practice for the lanky raptist (that’s ‘rap artist’, for those wondering) and he can soon return to his usual ways of doing something stupid, getting arrested, saying ‘izzle’ on the end of words in a irritating fashion, doing another stupid thing, getting arrested again and so on and so forth. Otherwise we’re going to have to start getting used to him being an ‘innocent bystander’.

Frankly, that just doesn’t fit.

Take this little doozy for example: a woefully misguided anti-drugs PSA in which a talking dog decides to harrass a teenage girl about her drug use.

So – what has she been doing? Snorting three lines of coke over breakfast every morning? Jacking up a speedball during SAT revision? Rubbing blotter paper soaked in acid against her cherubic face? No. She’s … well … been smoking the odd joint. Seriously. Smoking weed. That’s it.

All of which is very ironic, because if the events in this commercial happened to us, we’d either:

a) Scream ‘Jesus Christ, a talking dog’, and immediately run to the nearest heroin dealer in order to get so dosed up we forgot this nightmare/

b) Give him a slap and shout ’shut the fuck up, you furry little bastard! Might I remind you whose house this is? I’ll lie on the sofa all day smoking bongs if I want to, thank you very much, you condescending shitwad. Any more of this nonsense and you might find your next bowl of Winalot laced with arsenic. Clear?’

Anyway. See what you think.

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:

"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

Rumour has it there’s also a strain available called ‘Justin Timberlake Blue’, which makes you feel as if you are the sexiest, most talented person in the room, even if all else (i.e. face) suggests otherwise – this side of the shore it is known as ‘Jonny Borrell Blue’.

Then we have the Robbie Williams strain, which promises the greatest high of your life on the packaging, but in reality it leaves you with nothing more than the empty feeling you have given two hours of your life for absolutely nothing in return.

‘The Britney Spears Pink’ however, is a fucking mental high.

The column quotes one Cruise friend as finding the whole thing "outrageous”.

If by any chance you have been living with your head up your own or someone else’s asshole for the past few years, then you may be surprised to learn that Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and quite a prominent one at that. And Scientologists are famed for opposing any kind of use of psychotropic drugs, as well as suing the knickers off any one who so much as farts in their general direction.

If you live in California and want to have one last laugh with Tom Cruise, then hurry up and buy, because it’s the best chance you’re ever gonna get to laugh ‘with’ him again.

Read More -  Medical high jinks leave Tom Cruise camp fuming – NY Daily News

We're being serious here – look at what Aaron Carter has accomplished. He's the relative of someone far more famous than he is, he's been in a terrible reality TV show, he has pointless facial hair and he's embarked on a hopelessly misguided engagement. There's just one thing that Aaron carter has missed from that checklist. 

And now he's just ticked it off. Aaron Carter, you see, has just been arrested on suspicion of marijuana possession in Texas. Good work, Aaron. Go to the top of the class. That's right, next to Lindsay Lohan.

If tawdry tabloid stories about Hollywood dimwits that you genuinely couldn't give a stuff about was a game of Kerplunk, then there's a good case for nominating Aaron Carter as the flimsy plastic needle that holds everything together. Aaron Carter has apparently dated Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Hulk Hogan's daughter, plus he divorced his own parents once and was briefly engaged to a slutty beauty queen who'd previously dated his older brother before they inevitably broke it off about 30 seconds later.

Honestly, take Aaron Carter out of the equation and everything falls apart. Which is a pain, because it looks like the Kimble County Sheriff's Office in Texas is pretty keen to take Aaron Carter out of the equation. But that probably serves Aaron Carter right for speeding when he knew he had drugs in his car ready for police officers to stumble across. E! Online reports:

The 20-year-old singer was arrested Thursday in Texas on suspicion of drug possession after cops pulled him over for speeding and allegedly found marijuana in his Cadillac Escalade. Per the Kimble County Sheriff's Office, Carter was still in custody Thursday night in anticipation of his arraignment Friday morning. Sheriff Mike Chapman said the Aaron's Party purveyor was driving alone when he stopped in Junction at about noon. Officers found less than 2 ounces of pot in the vehicle, he said.

Although it's a little bit shocking to think that little Aaron Carter, the floppy-haired 10-year-old who annoyed the living shit out you a decade ago with that godawful Crush On You song, has turned to drugs, you shouldn't be surprised. After all, if you were Aaron Carter, wouldn't you try to get blasted off your face as often as possible just to forget that you were Aaron Carter even for a moment? Of course you would.

Anyway, Aaron Carter should just be thankful that he was arrested on suspicion of drug possession in Texas rather than Dubai, because the officials there would have slapped him silly. Not for the drugs thing – they'd have just locked him up for four years for that – but because Aaron Carter's got a gay little chin-beard and, well, doesn't that deserve a slapping?

Read more:

Aaron Carter Popped for Pot – E! Online