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Mariah Carey isn’t a woman to retire from the limelight too readily. In fact, even in the case of her husband – Nick Cannon – being all drug-eyed and dripped in hospital, recovering from kidney failure, she still wants in on the action.
Sweet, sweet fantasy babeh.
That’s right! She’s snapped her poorly husband and leapt on the bed with him while he looks half-dead in a bobble-hat, unintentionally creating the finest photograph ever taken in human history. And yes, you can see it over the jump.
We love our readers. From the very bottom of our hearts, we adore them and cherish their opinions on life, the universe and everything. Some of our readers are silent; observing the world of celebrity vicariously through our writers. We love them too, just not quite as much.
Other readers like to get as involved as they possibly can by adding witty add-ons to our pieces using their own inimitable senses of humour. Some others like to defend their favourite bands, actors and artists to the hilt by using the ol’ “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” quip before telling us that we deserve to die and spend eternity in the depths pits of hell for daring to take the piss out of people.
People with no sense of humour, basically. It is these people who we celebrate each week in Readers’ Letters, our weekly trawl through your comments and opinions, filtering the fantastic from the flotsam, the sublime from the shite. This week, we’ve done it as a video! Let Editor Mof guide you after the jump…
Try and hum one of Mariah Carey’s big hits to yourself. In fact, any of her songs. You just can’t can you? As multi-millionaire recording artists go, she is utterly forgettable. Christ, we could whistle you at least two tunes by rubbish 90′s popsters Shampoo and they’re skint.
Well fear not, because something memorable is finally taking place in Mariah Carey’s Scary Towers. The Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services are investigating allegations of alcohol and drug use against Carey and Nick Cannon shortly after the birth of their twins.
Do you hear that? ‘Shortly after’ the birth? They were still in the hospital, glugging Cristal and rolling fat biftas whilst Carey juggled two babies onto her copious fun-bags to fill them with narcotic breast-milk whilst heating-up her crack pipe?
Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!
That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.
This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.
Mariah Carey, who has been talking about her fucking babies non-stop for the past 4 months like anyone gives two hoots about her future pampered disappointments, has claimed that she has a newfound respect for mothers of the world.
Are we to assume she used to hate all mothers? It’s probably sensible to do so because she clearly hated anyone who wasn’t her for a big chunk of her life (and a bit of a suicide moment suggests she even hated Mariah Carey for a while). Although, she didn’t hate Gadaffi enough to not play a show for his family.
Anyway, she’s got some twins growing inside her and she won’t stop bloody talking about it.
Beyonce and Nelly Furtado have stepped forward, held their hands up and said “Ah. Didn’t really know we were playing gigs for the family of despotic leader Gaddafi and getting paid with blood money. Soz.”
And as such, the pair have given their pay cheques to charity, thereby, restoring a trace of belief in the world of pop. See? They are not all greedy, self-serving shits are they?
However, there’s still a few popsters who have failed to come forward and talk about the pennies they’ve earned from playing gigs for Colonel Gaddafi. Some are eerily quiet about the whole thing. However, Mariah Carey, who has thus far been silent has finally opened her mouth and… well… being more vague than a politician.
As we all know, Nelly Furtado announced that she gave away money earned from playing a private party for the family of Libyan fucknut Colonel Gaddafi, making her look like an altruistic saint compared to everyone else.
Everyone started pointing and muttering about Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Usher and all the rest of the entertainment world who accepted piles of money covered in people’s blood and stinking of crude oil.
Would they give the money to charity? Would they stick their fingers in their ears until all this was swept under a rug made from Libyan cadavers? Well, not in Beyonce’s case. Why? Well she gave the money to charity last year and didn’t feel the need to tell everyone about because she really cool like that. Read More >>>
Imagine playing a gig at the behest of Colonel ‘Do You Think He Might Have Had A Butcher Perform The Plastic Surgery On His Face?’ Gaddafi. His sons want a nice party with an internationally successful singer performing in the corner like a circus clown.
“Hi Supreme Thingy Gaddafi! Great place you got here! What a swell country! I barely noticed the pile of corpses I tripped over on the way in here! Haha! No, honestly, what a place! It’s a real honour sir…”
However, bafflingly, there’s a whole bunch of pop stars who have done exactly that. Performed gigs for huge sums of money, which presumably, really grease the throat when you have to swallow any moral leanings you might have about mad bastards running countries with a mixture of fear and Soul Glo hair products.
