Hey you, quick, come out from behind the sofa. It’s all over, honest. After nearly four months, the auto-tuned X Factor singers won’t be making anymore feature length appearances on ITV to ruin your weekend.

As we all know, Little Mix were voted as the winners. Or, it was all fixed by Simon Cowell for them so we can have a girl group that are slightly more polished around the edges than when Girls Aloud first started out. Learn from your mistakes and whatnot.

So how exactly do you celebrate winning a national competition which has been steadily declining in viewers each week? Sip on champagne whilst hanging out with record execs? Little Mix had Tulisa as a mentor. She took them for a kebab instead.

For the scum of society like us, a kebab is nothing more than delicious thin strips of oily brown meat, presented in a polystyrene box. The grub itself is nothing more but lamb baws and horse gristle smashed together to make something described as a food stuff you can shove down your throat ’til you wretch.

But Little Mix and Tulisa aren’t like us common folk who’ll coat their post pub treat in gallons of garlic sauce before dropping it all over themselves.

They’ll be dining in places where kebabs are from fresh cuts of wild boar, unicorn and bear.

Taking to Twitter after they’d all munched a rough piece of meat that had been stewing in its own juices for weeks, Tulisa said:

“What do ya do after ur act wins the xfactor?”

You should bloody know as we already written a few hundred words about it, but anways:

“…go 2 ur local kebab shop of course, wooooiiiiiii….”

We’re looking at you Jesy Mix. You greedy little Muffin you.

Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn’t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS.

*Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it possible to be too entertained? The answer is of course c) Kaposi’s sarcoma.

Nonetheless, yes they absolutely poured out a grand total of FOUR. HOURS. That’s like an hour and twenty minutes per finalist. How many times can we hear Marcus say, “I used to be a hairdresser, and now I’m a singer a bit.” over and over in varying incorporations? Obviously, once you chop out all the adverts that’s only about twelve minutes or so though, obviously. No bigz.  So then. We love adverts. They really really make us want to buy produce via an amusing or creative short film piece. Our favourite advert of course is the one where the little boy can’t wait to give his parents a Christmas present, and how it really really made us want to buy padlocks for our doors. Oh alright, “The X Factor” then. Here’s loads of wank about it, in two sections.

SATURDAY

Hello, we didn’t watch Saturday’s X Factor. Why would we? But if we HAD, the review would have gone something along the lines of this:

Oh crikey, look at all these dead sparrows and PVC and contraceptive pills strewn upon Wembley Stadium. We guess it must be the penultimate X Factor final show! So for those of you who missed it (JEEZ GUYS WHERE WERE YOU? We bought dip, and everything) – Dermot hot stepped to Domi Aragoto Mr Roboto in a tank with women wearing Jodie Marsh’s army belt outfit (this was before the pumping steroids into her neck phase) and – were those tears? Oh no, it’s just perspiration from being sewn into grey woollens for the past three years.

Well, first up to perform was definitely Amelia Lily, which we know for absolute definite. Well, wasn’t she good, gang? Yes, she really sang that Christina Aguilera ballad with quite the pazzazz and passion that Christina Aguilera hardly ever bothers about. And not to mention that bit where the smoke surrounded her and the other stuff happened, that was our favourite bit. Obviously that key change was a little bit too emotional for our tastes, but that’s just because we’re fragile. Amelia’s choice of outfit was a bit ‘punk’ as well, wasn’t it? You could take someone’s eye out with that thing. Nick Broomfield basically did a documentary about it because it was so sadomasochistically wounded. The judges LOVED. IT.  Louis completely rammed Kelly in approval of picking a song for Amelia that he had heard of. It wasn’t our favourite sex we’ve ever seen, but it was better than the Alex Reid porno marginally, and we’re very lonely. He’s having a baby now.

And then up came LITTLE MIX to perform some songs about what on Earth it could possibly be like to be young normal women, which we’ve always been completely nonplussed about. We mean, “women who are down to earth”. It doesn’t really seem to make much sense, seeing as how Queen Elizabeth I was a woman, and how Heidi Klum is DEFINITELY a woman. It makes sense, no. Nonetheless we’re sure you all enjoyed Little Mix’s medley of “Survivor”/”Sisters are doing it for themselves”/”I Will Survive”/”You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”/”Woman”/”Women”/”Girl”/”Girls”/”Girls Girls Girls”. We sure did. But you know what we’re like, we love everything. We’re like a walking Tom Jones allegory.

Finally to perform was MARCUS COLLINS. Warraguy. Loved it when Marcus trotted down those steps in Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka costume from 1971 and sang the entire saxophone solo from Careless Whisper in particular, all the other stuff we could take or leaves. Tulisa going off on a massive scavenger hunt for self esteem half way through his performance was a trifle odd though, we must say – but then again she did grow up in a box in Camden so we’ll let her off.

Then they all sang again, this time with the judges because otherwise they’d have to dare we say it, ask professionals or something, and Gary Barlow played the piano in a manner of sincerity. Don’t say they don’t treat you. They do. Sound about right? Okay good.

(Oh and Amelia Lily got voted out. Devastation for da nation.)

SUNDAY

Christ sake. This again.

So this was the final FINALLY FINAL kind of X Factor final. Everything was so darn, FINAL about it. Wembley was there, Coldplay was there, Louis wore the entire concept of Hugh Heffner. It was all just very much there. All you could ever want from television. Olly Murs was there for Christ sake! Olly Murs! You don’t see him around much these days, do you? Aside from every waking second OBV, but who can’t have enough Olly Murs?

The proceedings began with a manic display of wonder and glory. (Oh no, not glory, what’s that other word? Oh right yeah, tedium.) and that. Yes, it was the group performance we’ve all been wrestling in our sleep over for the past three months. But wait one cotton-picking, Stacey Solomon singing Chris Rea MOMENT OF COMPLETE LACK OF REASON, there was Goldie! As in Goldie off of When Goldie Used To Be On The X Factor fame, who sings something inexplicably wrong and then crushes Dermot to death with a loving embrace akin to that of the bloke that gets spattered by a propeller in Titanic. Absolutely outstanding work, and better yet, no Frankie Cocozza – this just gets better and better. WE LOVE THE X FACTOR! Merry Amazing Christmas.

And, as Tolstoy always said, you can take the Frankie Cocozza out of the M&S advert, and apparently you can edit him out of life too. Always a rushing flurry of hope to our hearts, that little factoid. And seeing as we love not committing lots and lots of suicide, it works out pretty well all round.

Now, talking of singing some songs by some singers of song…

Kicking things off was Marcus with his personal highlight of the series, which turns out to be Higher and Higher, even though it was Reet Petite and oh, it doesn’t matter. It’s a minute and a half orchestration of something that at some point or another was made with love and care with the express determination to never be on a Debenhams advert. AS IT IS… Sherlock Rowland cleverly deduces that Higher and Higher is not only a song, but the way Marcus’ career is no doubt going, Y’ALL. Obviously she’s wrong in every single fibre, but to be fair does look like she’s been necking Terry Wogan’s special hand lotion for the past decade.

What do you mean, you want to know how Marcus did? No you don’t. There were still two hours to go. Time is actually replenishing. Next up after Marcus, was definitely not Marcus, which was kind of encouraging. LITTLE MIX of course. Or Little Muffins as Tulisa will desperately chip away at until she gets through the door and hacks Shelly Duvall to death clearly. Little Muffins though… Is that sentimental? Or is that just referring to your ‘friends’ (Tulisa. Seriously. Pull the other one) as big doughy balls of fat? We mean… Muffins. Don’t let us go on about it or anything, but muffins? Did Tulisa even stop to think that there might be a manifestation of foetal rubella infection called Blue Muffin Syndrome? Congrats Tulisa, sterling work as ever. Oh she also calls N Dubz fans her little ‘dublettes’  Nope, we’re staying well away from that one. Well away.

Remember when they used to be called Rhythamix? Those were the days. They should have just called themselves CHICKS WITH DICKS. That would’ve been awesome. We think this is possibly where The Saturdays are going wrong.

So what did the ITTLE WITTLE SUGAR LUMP GANG BANG IN CAR PARK MIXYMOOMINS pick for their final song? Obviously obviously it was the En Vogue one, due to it being catastrophically fan-fucking-tastic. Hark, it’s a bit like music almost. Get used to it.

With the contestants done in four and a half minutes, you’d think ITV1 might have to succumb to some dodgy filler material. Not a chance. We were proved staggeringly wrong with a very well thought out outside segment (YES, IT’S THE OUTSIDE SEGMENTS! Last year someone made Matt Cardle a David Cameron pizza! No one knows why!) of Olly Murs and Caroline Flack (or cock-whore-pedophile-bitch as we hear she’s moonlighting as these days) try and communicate with Dermot (HAHA ‘communicating with Dermot O Leary.’ THE THOUGHT!) whilst shoving screaming mental patients away from their shiny knees and precisely measured hints of popularity. Like we said before, we love The X Factor.

And then, to cries of ‘oh go on then‘, four hundred extra songs for the two contenders then. It’s Sunday night, we’ve got a busy working week, let’s treat ourselves… with Christmas songs. Bum. Marcus sang what confusingly sounded like a retro version of Last Christmas. A ‘retro’ version of Last Christmas, that came about in 1985, that would be. Bloody hell Marcus, buy some roller blades. Don’t get us started on the whole saying “Happy Christmas” instead of “Merry Christmas” in such a throwaway manner anyway, when we all very very much know the correct way to say the Merry Christmas bit when performing the popular festive number Last Christmas.

We’ve not been this disappointed since Bono didn’t sing “WELL TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU” really loud in Band Aid 20 like he did in the 80s one. Or alternatively, we haven’t been this disappointed since Bono. We cater for all your needs.

Gary at some point around this stage accidently said “Sex Factor” we noticed, which is a bit of an exciting thing for him to do, for him, isn’t it? He would have had to listen to an entire Fleet Foxes EP to get back on track there. Little Mix then followed with their version of Silent Night and it was dull, but Christ, the hot blonde one is quite notably attractive. But then Westlife come on. We’re never complaining ever again. COME BACK LITTLE MIX AND SING AN ACAPELLA BARBERSHOP QUARTET VERSION OF SHALOM. Or a terriballs cover of Cannonball. We’re good either way.

You know how all the teenagers of today say how ‘good’ is like, ‘bad’, and like ‘sick’ is like ‘good’ and how ‘bad’ is like ‘good’? Well we mean good in the sort of ‘not good’ kind of way of good. You know, like how the teenagers do.

Then…

THE BIT WHERE THEY ALL SING CANNONBALL EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS TO THE POINT OF RELAPSE

We hated it very very much and wish it had not happened ever.

Finally, after a lot of faffing about and Coldplay, and all that sort of thing, we came to a rough compromise that we’ll let ‘inspiring women’ win The X Factor for a change instead of a shivery man. CONGRATULATIONS LITTLE MIX. You have made X Factor “history” as Phil Schofield is calling it these days. What a terrible Christmas No. 1 this is going to be though. Maybe we should fritter away our entire Christmas holiday, all join forces and try and get a post-post-ironic non-entity to Number One instead! Fuck family and Argos and Jesus!

(Just checked Brian May’s blog for his thoughts on the X Factor winners. Don’t think he’s caught up on the results yet. He must have been busy playing Bohemian Rhapsody for a cow in a field.)

Now for god’s sake, look at the state of this.

FOR GOD’S SAKE. Let’s never EVER do this ever again.

Tomorrow is the final of the X Factor. It’s the one episode of the series that most of the general public tune-in for, apart from the audition rounds when we can laugh at delusional, frog-eyed members of the public.

Other talent shows may spend the maximum of sixty minutes announcing their winner, but X Factor will be stretching the process over four hours across the weekend. Unless you bought into the conspiracy theory that Amelia Lily is set to win due to the HMV pre-order error, then you have no real reason to watch. Unless your life is completely empty and devoid of any human contact.

X Factor has never produced a winning group, meaning that Tulisa will be spurring on her act – Little Mix – to victory. Aside from the records, the magazine shoots and inevitable quirky interview with some Channel 4 yoof show, what else can they do for us? According to mentor Tulisa, they can make a massive difference to our lives. We hope so, the guttering needs doing.

Like a gypsy at a carnival who alleges they can predict your future, the claim that they can make our meaningless existence better is a rather bold one.

Surely it’s some sort of scam that’s been hatched in a Nigerian internet café?

These claims have surfaced before. It’s not the first time someone in pop music has told us that buying a record can make your life better.

And did The Tamperer make our lives significantly more worthwhile? Basically, this was the musical equivalent of magic beans. An empty promise that delivered nothing but shattered dreams and endless streams of hot tears. After the long recovery to normality, we’re dubious of another bold claim, this time stated by Tulisa. The cynic in us makes us think that she partly wants to win to make a name for herself as well:

“I’m the youngest judge, it’s my first year and I want to change X Factor history with these little muffins behind me. I think the thing about these girls is that if they got this record deal, they wouldn’t just bring a record out, they’d also be inspiring women across this country. Young and older. I think they’d made a difference to people’s lives as well as their ears.”

When we think of women who inspire, we immediately cast our minds to the Pankhurt sisters who fought for the right for the female vote. Elsewhere, the panel on Loose Women demonstrate that, if you’re vaguely known in the public eye, you can sit round a table for an hour and make sexual innuendo for a lunchtime audience.

Tulisa has built them up to be some sort of pop act that’ll happily nurse defecating pensioners in a home and then, in the blink of an eye, they’ll shoot across the country to fill in at a school variety show when one of the acts pulls out due to a sore tummy.

Let’s just forget about all the ‘nearly running a charity into the ground business’ eh?

If the worst happens to Little Mix then they can always exploit their own band name to make a living in the confectionary trade where they’ll glam up the pick & mix industry. Or, they won’t charge £3 for a handful of cola cubes.

Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah – they’re killing Big Brother! They’re actually killing Big Brother!

It’s a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us – through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them – and, yes, we’ll miss it. What’s that? Big Brother‘s still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don’t like it that much. Jesus.

Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction – not that it matters any more – so here’s what we think of them…

Siavash – Siavash won’t be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow night because he’s like a big, slightly rebellious cow. He’s good natured and passive, and he only misbehaves when the farmer doesn’t warm up his milking hands properly or something. Oh, what’s the point? It doesn’t really matter if Siavash goes or not tomorrow, because Big Brother is leaving us anyway. And you know what it’s giving us as a goodbye present? A void. A great big empty void that lasts all summer. How does Channel 4 expect us to spend our summer evenings? Huh? Going out? Meeting people? Doing something more worthwhile than spending every evening sitting there with a bloody notepad writing about idiots we don’t even like very much? Thanks, Channel 4. Thanks a bloody lot.

Marcus – Meanwhile, Marcus is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night because… oh, you know what? Nobody cares. If people cared then they’d still be watching Big Brother, and they obviously aren’t watching Big Brother because if they were then Channel 4 would keep showing it. In fact, you care so little about Big Brother that you’re probably not even reading this, are you? We’re just talking to ourselves. Well fine. Nobody watches Big Brother and nobody is reading this, so we’ll just say whatever the hell we like and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. Winky woo. There, see? Winky winky woo. Winky winky winky winky winky winky bloody poxy woo. WINKY WOO.

We’re so alone.

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There’s another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven’t been counting, but we’re fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year.

But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of… oh, who are we kidding? It’ll be Bea, won’t it? By a mile. Bea’s going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely.

But, hey, let’s play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition…

Marcus - Now that the Noirin debacle is firmly behind him, Marcus has emerged as something of a fan favourite. Actually we’re underselling this – Marcus has turned into a hero. He can’t be shifted from the Big Brother house. Not even the fact that Marcus feels compelled to fill every single moment of silence with awful directionless whistling delivered at such a punishing volume and frequency that it gives us vertigo can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. Not even footage of Marcus masturbating in front of other housemates can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. We sort of wish it would, though. Ugh.

David – No no no no no no. You absolutely must not vote David out of the Big Brother house tomorrow. He’s the best. Imagine if you shaved a bear, gave it a powerful knock on the head, dressed it up as a dickhead and then set it loose in the Big Brother house. No, actually don’t imagine it. You don’t need to. That’s exactly what David is. And we wouldn’t want him any other way. Well, maybe a bit cleverer. And better to look at. And most other things, come to think of it. We don’t really like David, to be honest. But if he wins Big Brother then Charlie won’t. And we like Charlie even less.

Bea – Right, let’s stop this charade immediately. If Bea isn’t evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, we’ll eat our hat. Then we’ll eat your hat. Then we’ll poo them out onto the top of our own head. That’s how certain we are of Bea’s eviction. It’s hard to tell if Bea’s constant neediness this week is the result of a meticulously crafted gameplan or the onset of mental illness, but whatever it is, it’s going down badly with the other housemates, with the viewing public and – following her weird teary outburst at her own mother this week – her own immediate family. Maybe Bea just misses Halfwit. No, no that can’t be it. Nobody has ever missed Halfwit for the duration of his entire life, even ironically.

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On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

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It’s been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that’s a sentence we haven’t used since about 2006.

For some sort of complex reason that we haven’t been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it’s also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors.

It’s also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let’s have a looky…

Halfwit – Look, earlier in the week we said that Halfwit’s invincible run of surviving evictions was over. And this admittedly seemed to be the case following the gigantic row in the Big Brother house over Marcus and the missing cigarettes, when Halfwit waded in and seemed to deliberately make himself the villain of the piece for no good reason whatsoever. But this week Halfwit is up against Marcus, which somewhat tragically means that he’ll probably survive yet another eviction. This is awful news – it means that he’s bound to become even more unbearably smug than usual. And remember that he’s a young Conservative who lives in a mansion with his parents and a large collection of linen jackets, so his level of unbearable smugness is already fairly high. Still, on the plus side another survival means that it’ll hurt Halfwit more when he doesn’t win Big Brother. And he mustn’t win Big Brother, understand?

Marcus - As much as it pains us to say it, it looks like Marcus will be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow. And it’ll be a shame, because we feel that we’ve gone on a journey with him. We remember it well – the bit at the start where he seemed like a normal bloke, the bit where he went a bit weird and appeared to threaten Sree with violence, the unsettling bit where he temporarily became Noirin‘s stalker, the bit after that where he wrapped himself in a duvet and refused to move from the Big Brother garden, the bit where he turned everyone against him by hiding their cigarettes, and all the bits where he wanked in the toilet which made up about 98% of his time in the Big Brother house. Goodbye Marcus. We’ve never met you and, well, we’re OK if that arrangement extends indefinitely.

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Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly‘s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin‘s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa‘s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – It’s not really a surprise that Marcus survived eviction last week – after all, he was up against Noirin, and even Pol Pot would probably have a pretty good chance of surviving eviction against her. But now that Noirin has gone, we might start to see signs of the Marcus we know and love again. You know, the one who grimly fixates on a woman and makes every second of her life an uncomfortable nightmare until she’s forced to tell him in no uncertain terms that she isn’t interested in him and he sulks about it for three weeks. Yeah, that’ll be fun. Bea, these next few weeks are going to be awful.

Charlie – Charlie is what people like to call a slow-burn housemate, which is a polite way of saying that he’s cripplingly boring and people only start to notice him after all the interesting housemates get evicted. And this is unfair, because in a true and just world, nobody would ever have to notice Charlie. Ever. Not even if he was the only housemate on Big Brother and he set himself on fire and spent 20 minutes running around in circles slapping at the flames and screaming. Why? Because Charlie’s life is an endless carousel that only involves him overstepping the line of decency and then looking mortified about it for an hour afterwards. He never learns from it either – as soon as he’s stopped being mortified it’s like his brain resets and he goes onto do the exact same thing all over again. Tiresome, Charlie. Tiresome.

David – Bear with us, because this one might take some explaining. We’re starting to think that David has a shot of winning Big Brother. No, no, come back – we have a valid reason for this wild and frankly deranged-sounding claim. Remember Brian Belo? Remember how he had absolutely no sense of social etiquette, constantly spoke in an overbearingly loud monotone and had a frightening preoccupation with cider? Substitute the word ‘cider’ for the words ‘Vivienne Westwood‘ and that’s a perfect description of David. And Brian Belo won Big Brother. So therefore, using the same logic, we can safely say that David is going to win Big Brother this year. And it’ll probably bring about the end of the world.

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Unless another self-absorbed bellend decides to hoik themselves over the perimeter wall, tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction will be a special one.

The housemates up for eviction are Noirin and Marcus – two thirds of the most unnecessarily melodramatic relationships in the history of Big Brother. If Noirin goes, both Marcus and Siavash lose their dream girl, and if Marcus goes… well, if Marcus goes there won’t be a little fat bloke dressed as Wolverine wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the Big Brother garden all the time.

So who’s going to leave the Big Brother house tomorrow? Let’s find out…

Marcus – For a plucky underdog, Marcus doesn’t half make it hard for anyone to like him. Ever since Noirin treacherously did the dirty on him by repeatedly telling him that she wasn’t even  romantically interested in him and then kissing someone else, Marcus has basically turned into a great big sulking toddler. All he’s done is plod around the Big Brother house in a duvet, refusing to talk to anyone like some sort of awful self-pitying, attention-seeking wazzock. So, on the basis that his contribution to the Big Brother house currently stands at nil, maybe Marcus should go tomorrow. But wait! Is that the genesis of a crush on Bea? Brilliant! Let’s keep him in and he can go through this whole sorry cycle again – maybe this time he’ll even self-harm! Woo!

Noirin - In a way, Noirin is the exact opposite of Marcus, in that she contributes to a lot to the Big Brother house, but she’s so transparently awful that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider rooting for her. But at least she’s consistent – she’ll pick a man who’s clearly several divisions lower than her in the attractiveness league, string him along until he’s head over heels in love with her and then instantly drop them like a stone. And look what she’s done – Sree reportedly slashed his wrists after leaving the Big Brother house, Marcus has turned into the world’s most surly caterpillar and now Siavash has just realised that his girlfriend probably won’t have him back now. Noirin even promised to get her vagina out while walking into the Big Brother house, and she hasn’t even done that yet, the bitch. Oh god, she’s got to us too. It’s no good. Noirin! Noirin! We love you, Noirin! Quick, someone get her out before we go terminal.

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Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option.

So a cull it is – this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe – which is ironic, because Big Brother‘s entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity.

We’re not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can’t be arsed, so let’s concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that’ll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then…

Noirin - If you saw Big Brother‘s eviction show last week, then it might have come as a surprise to see Karly get evicted, since the Big Brother crowd seemed determined to rupture their lungs by booing every time Davina McCall mentioned Noirin, alluded to Noirin or said a word that rhymes with Noirin like, um, sporran. Worse still, Noirin hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the Big Brother audience in the last seven days, apart from continue her creepy non-relationship with Marcus that’s becoming more and more like Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf every day. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Noirin this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Marcus – Everyone has got a friend like Marcus. You know the sort of friend we’re talking about. The one who you describe to other people by saying “Oh, yeah, Marcus is great. He’s really funny, yeah, he’s a right laugh. Top bloke. But, you know, it might not be a good idea to leave him alone around women. He gets a bit rapey sometimes.” And, unfortunately for Marcus, he’s trapped in a house with some girls. Specifically he’s trapped in a house with Noirin, who is a) his dream woman and b) completely disinterested. And it’s turning him into a complete tool, especially now that other housemates are starting to take an interest in her. It’s uncomfortable to watch. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Marcus this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Kenneth – Who ordered the giant arsehole? We’ve only got one with extra dickishness, is that OK? It’s dear old Kenneth, the man who, although officially calling himself an ‘international playboy’, seems to have been precision-designed to alienate everyone he comes into contact with. The Big Brother housemates hate him for his fairly obvious sleaziness and casual misogyny. The viewers hate him because he’s smarmy and insincere. And if Davina McCall doesn’t visibly shudder when she gets within six feet of him tomorrow we’ll be genuinely surprised. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Kenneth this week, but… oh, who are we kidding? Kenneth’s the biggest arsehole in the history of the world. Let’s just state his eviction as fact now and move on.

UPDATE – Oh great, it looks like Kenneth has escaped the Big Brother house of his own free will. So Marcus is it, then.

UPDATE TWO – The eviction’s been cancelled. We don’t know why we bother. We really bloody don’t.

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One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley‘s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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So here’s the good news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of one the most annoying characters in years.

Now here’s the bad news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of any more conflict and therefore any more interest and therefore any more point of watching Big Brother. No, wait, not having to watch Big Brother is good news, not bad news. It’s a win-win. This calls for cocktails.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – Now this is a shock. Apparently Marcus – the man in his thirties who still lives with his mother and obsesses over Wolverine so much that he’s done everything in his power to physically resemble him – might be a little odd. Who saw that coming?In fact, Marcus is so odd that around 50% of Friday’s Big Brother consisted of nothing but him ranting directly at the camera in the diary doom. To be fair it was an excellent rant – the jist of it was that he’d threatened Sree, Big Brother gave him a warning for threatening Sree, and then he started threatening Big Brother as floridly as he possibly could. However, it did leave Marcus looking dangerously unhinged, not least because his first words after leaving the diary room were “NAH MY TEA’S GORN FACKING COLD YOU WANKAHS!” which he bellowed into the heavens like an actual war cry. We think we can safely state that Marcus won’t be evicted from Big Brother any time soon. That’s not because the viewers will side with his demented anti-PC stance, but because we assume that Marcus will be kicked out of Big Brother for attacking one of his fellow housemates with a bo staff he’s made out of a broomstick within the week.

Rodrigo - What’s the golden rule of Big Brother? It’s that you can only win if you’ve been through an emotional journey during the show’s duration. This is the precise reason why Rodrigo will never win Big Brother. He hasn’t been on anything approaching an emotional journey for the simple reason that he lives in a bubble. Admittedly it’s a bubble that’s full of puppydogs and rainbows and unicorns and moonbeams, which makes Rodrigo a fairly endearing Big Brother housemate, but it still makes for a fairly one-dimensional viewing experience. We suppose that the nearest comparable Big Brother housemate to Rodrigo is Glyn from a few years ago. He was an innocent as well, but at least he went on a journey. We’ve forgotten what that journey involved – we have a feeling it had something to do with him not being able to cook eggs and then learning how to cook eggs – but it was still more than Rodrigo has managed. What’s our point? We’ve forgotten that too, actually. We think it was that Rodrigo needs to cook more eggs. Yes, that was definitely it.

Siavash – Without question, Siavash has turned out to be the most disappoint housemate of this year’s Big Brother. Why? Well, look at him for starters – Siavash dresses like a Jesus bear with a disturbing fascination for the 1980 musical The Apple. That alone should make him the biggest cock in the Big Brother house. No, the biggest cock in the country. No, the biggest cock in the world. No, the biggest cock in the universe. Siavash should be the biggest cock in the universe. But he’s not. He’s sort of nice and well-rounded and down-to-Earth. And that, friends, is boring. It’s like buying a porno mag and opening it to discover that it’s really a Haynes manual for a 1976 Austin Allegro. Oh well, at least Siavash did give us all glimpses of cockishness early on, by drawing on his bottom and beatboxing perpetually, but they all vanished when Cairon was evicted. It’s enough, though. He’s shown that the cockery isn’t entirely latent. Fingers crossed that it’ll rear up in the next few weeks and we can get round to properly thinking that he’s a tit.

Later this week: the Big Brother eviction nominees.

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On Friday, Big Brother said goodbye to Cairon. Farewell Cairon, we barely knew ye.

Which is just as well, really, because you seemed like a massive turd. But good luck with the rest of your life. And good luck with that whole ‘pretending to be American’ thing. We’re sure you’ll end up being at least partially convincing at it one day. But with Cairon gone, what else has been going on in the Big Brother house?

We’re not completely sure, but here’s what we think of Marcus, Angel, Karly and Siavash anyway…

Marcus – For the first week or so of Big Brother, it looked like Marcus was playing the classic ‘head down and gun for third place’ strategy. But it was always fairly obvious that someone that odd – with a haircut that impossibly terrible – wasn’t going to be able to keep a lid on his madness for very long. So that’s why it wasn’t a complete surprise when Marcus used this last week to out himself as a handsy pervert with a crippling comic book fetish who lives with his mum, seems to have a vocabulary that won’t stretch beyond the words ‘tits’ and ‘vibe’ and probably hasn’t ever seen a female woman in the flesh before. Combined, these facets of Marcus’s personality have created a bona fide nutcase. He’s already freaked out most of the girls in the Big Brother house by continually asking them to disrobe for him, and at this rate it’s only a matter of time before he goes rifling through someone’s underwear drawer with his face. However, his alienation from the rest of the house won’t be too much of a problem for him, because Marcus sees himself as a lone wolf. He’s not a wolf, though. He’s a bellend.

Angel – We’ll admit that we don’t know too much about this Angel chap, because he’s been keeping himself pretty much to himself lately. He talks in this inscrutable Russian accent all the time, too, which is a problem. However, we can feel ourselves starting to warm to Angel for a couple of reasons. Firstly, on Thursday, Angel decided to make a sort of engine noise with his mouth by humming and slapping his lips together for no other reason than because it really annoyed everyone else in the Big Brother house. And he wouldn’t stop doing it, no matter what they did. This sort of deliberate provocation sits very well with us, and we now want Angel to succeed at everything he attempts. Also on Thursday, if you needed to be convinced any further, Angel threw innocent young Sree against a wall, apparently in an effort to rape him. This was brilliant because it prompted perhaps the best anti-rape struggle in the history of the world – culminating in a kind of pained, impassioned “No! I’m happy with my life!” For these reasons, we think that we’ve started to want Angel to win Big Brother. Well done, sir.

Karly – Up until now, we’ll admit that we’ve been ignoring Karly a little. This has been because she is blonde girl with big boobs whose entire life’s ambition seems to be getting on the cover of Nuts magazine – which makes her identical to Dogface, but Dogface is more interesting because her hair is blonder, her boobs are bigger and the extent of her ambition seems to be even more jaw-droppingly vacuous. However, in recent days Karly has been trying harder to carve out an identity for herself within the Big Brother house, and that’s why we’re focusing on her today. What is this identity? Well, we now know that Karly is the girl who looks like Fearne Cotton would if her life had gone very, very wrong at an early age. Also, Karly is Scottish to such a pointless degree that she says ‘betch’ instead of ‘bitch’ which is amusing purely because of her determination to repeat it as much as she possibly can. Lastly, Karly is the Big Brother housemate with Chinese symbols tattooed down her spine – tattoos which, we suspect, translate to ‘I’m a massive twat who probably thinks this says something profoundly spiritual. It doesn’t. It says I’m a twat’. Mission accomplished, Karly.

Siavash – Siavash has an incredibly hairy bottom. That is all.

Later this week – who’s been nominated?

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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