Marcus - HecklerSpray

Little Mix And Tulisa Toast X Factor Success With A Kebab

December 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Hey you, quick, come out from behind the sofa. It's all over, honest. After nearly four months, the auto-tuned X Factor singers won't be making anymore feature length appearances on ITV to ruin your weekend.

As we all know, Little Mix were voted as the winners. Or, it was all fixed by Simon Cowell for them so we can have a girl group that are slightly more polished around the edges than when Girls Aloud first started out. Learn from your mistakes and whatnot.

So how exactly do you celebrate winning a national competition which has been steadily declining in viewers each week? Sip on champagne whilst hanging out with record execs? Little Mix had Tulisa as a mentor. She took them for a kebab instead.

The X Factor Final Review: The One Where No More X Factor Ever Ever Happened Ever Again For a Bit

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn?t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS.

*Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it possible to be too entertained? The answer is of course c) Kaposi?s sarcoma.

Nonetheless, yes they absolutely poured out a grand total of FOUR. HOURS. That's like an hour and twenty minutes per finalist. How many times can we hear Marcus say, “I used to be a hairdresser, and now I’m a singer a bit.” over and over in varying incorporations? Obviously, once you chop out all the adverts that's only about twelve minutes or so though, obviously. No bigz. ?So then. We love adverts. They really really make us want to buy produce via an amusing or creative short film piece. Our favourite advert of course is the one where the little boy can't wait to give his parents a Christmas present, and how it really really made us want to buy padlocks for our doors. Oh alright, ?The X Factor? then. Here?s loads of wank about it, in two sections.

Little Mix Can Supposedly Change People?s Lives

December 9th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Tomorrow is the final of the X Factor. It’s the one episode of the series that most of the general public tune-in for, apart from the audition rounds when we can laugh at delusional, frog-eyed members of the public.

Other talent shows may spend the maximum of sixty minutes announcing their winner, but X Factor will be stretching the process over four hours across the weekend. Unless you bought into the conspiracy theory that Amelia Lily is set to win due to the HMV pre-order error, then you have no real reason to watch. Unless your life is completely empty and devoid of any human contact.

X Factor has never produced a winning group, meaning that Tulisa will be spurring on her act – Little Mix – to victory. Aside from the records, the magazine shoots and inevitable quirky interview with some Channel 4 yoof show, what else can they do for us? According to mentor Tulisa, they can make a massive difference to our lives. We hope so, the guttering needs doing.

Big Brother: Marcus Vs Siavash, Plus Big Brother Dies

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah – they’re killing Big Brother! They’re actually killing Big Brother!

It’s a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us – through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them – and, yes, we’ll miss it. What’s that? Big Brother‘s still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don’t like it that much. Jesus.

Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction – not that it matters any more – so here’s what we think of them…

Big Brother: Bea Or Marcus Or David Out Tomorrow Or Something

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

There’s another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven’t been counting, but we’re fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year.

But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of… oh, who are we kidding? It’ll be Bea, won’t it? By a mile. Bea’s going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely.

But, hey, let’s play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition…

Big Brother: Well Look At That, Freddie’s Been Evicted

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Big Brother: It’s Halfwit Vs Marcus

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

It’s been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that’s a sentence we haven’t used since about 2006.

For some sort of complex reason that we haven’t been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it’s also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors.

It’s also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let’s have a looky…

Big Brother: Noirin’s Out, And She’s Taken Her Idiot Boyfriend With Her

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly‘s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin‘s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa‘s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Big Brother: It’s Noirin Vs Marcus

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Unless another self-absorbed bellend decides to hoik themselves over the perimeter wall, tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction will be a special one.

The housemates up for eviction are Noirin and Marcus – two thirds of the most unnecessarily melodramatic relationships in the history of Big Brother. If Noirin goes, both Marcus and Siavash lose their dream girl, and if Marcus goes… well, if Marcus goes there won’t be a little fat bloke dressed as Wolverine wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the Big Brother garden all the time.

So who’s going to leave the Big Brother house tomorrow? Let’s find out…

Big Brother: Holy Blimey, They’re (Almost) All Up For Eviction

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option.

So a cull it is – this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe – which is ironic, because Big Brother‘s entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity.

We’re not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can’t be arsed, so let’s concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that’ll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then…