That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers – the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.

Remember the days when all contestants on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would get was a semi-regular guest spot talking about unusually large babies on The One Show? Jordan and Peter Andre buggered that right up for everyone, didn't they? Now everyone who ever goes on the show wants a charity single to release and a bloody ITV2 chatshow, or at least wall-to-wall media coverage about something that everyone stopped caring about a second after I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here finished on Friday.

And that's certainly been the case with Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. You see, even though they spent 15 minutes together eating various pieces of animal genitalia on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love, even though he had a girlfriend at the time and is accused of getting a bit punchy with women and she's a single mother or two with hands that look like eagle claws made out of smashed-up cornflakes.

We know that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love because Cerys Matthews spoke about their love in a Sunday newspaper while sitting naked in a bubbling jacuzzi sipping champagne in a Crocodile Dundee hat, which means it must be true.

But what about Marc Bannerman's jilted girlfriend Sarah Matravers? It must be dreadful to watch helplessly as your boyfriend tries to cop off with other women on live TV – and then learn that he may have already been unfaithful with a barmaid – so surely Sarah Matravers deserves our pity, right?

Well, no, because by all accounts she's an idiot too. In an attempt to convince the entire male population of the universe that she's an ultra-hysterical nutter who can flick between coy baby-talk and murderous red-eyed screaming at the drop of a hat, Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole wide world that she's getting checked out for diseases because Marc Bannerman looks like he might have AIDS. Or something:

"I worry that, if everything is true, he may have had unprotected sex with other women. I'm going to have some tests in case I've caught anything … yes, I'm going to have the full tests – for everything, including HIV… Cerys only got divorced last month. The most bizarre thing is that she's been so caught up with Marc, she's barely mentioned her children. This is a man she's only known for a week, a man who she knew had a girlfriend. It's either incredibly cold-hearted or incredibly screwed up. They deserve each other. I hope they rot in hell."

Personally we think rotting in hell is a little harsh – we'd be happy if Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews just went somewhere out of bloody earshot for once, and took Sarah Matravers with her. Yap yap yap, all the sodding time. It's like living with a bunch of especially self-absorbed terrier puppies, only they're slightly harder to drown in brick-filled binbags.

Of course, only a cynic would suggest that Sarah Matravers is making such a public fuss about Marc Bannerman so that she'll be allowed to go on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here next year and cop off with another D-list celebrity so she can babble on about how happy she is and sell pictures of them both feeding ducks in the park to OK! magazine, but that is transparently what she does want, so we'll suggest it anyway.

Read more:

Jungle 'love rat' Marc's distraught girlfriend: I'm getting tested for HIV – Daily Mail 

You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they'd both shut up about it.

So Christopher Biggins is the winner of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but any idiot could have predicted that. But while Christopher Biggins uses his victory to go through the traditional pikey supermarket advert-based career rebirth, the rest of the world can go back to discussing the real big story from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the burgeoning love between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews.

Those of you who watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – or read any newspapers, listened to any local radio or overheard any conversation between a couple of dumpy housewives on the bus for that matter – will be aware of the story of Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Although Marc had a long-term girlfriend, the thought of spending a few days in a jungle with the Road Rage woman and not trying to touch her boob was enough to make him be a bit unfaithful. Knowing that his feelings for Cerys Matthews were stronger for his his girlfriend because Cerys was closer at the time and it was all on the telly, Marc and Cerys kissed and instantly fell in love.

It's love in the truest sense of the word, too – where two people who haven't been even vaguely famous for a decade decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together even though the sum total of their shared experience adds up to one awkward kiss and occasional glances of each other washing their arses in a river. And now Cerys Matthews is ready to talk about her feelings for Marc Bannerman, in the form of a newspaper interview that she got paid loads of money to do. Cerys told the News of The World:

"Neither of us intended to hurt anybody. It literally came out of the blue—and it was something that we couldn't really stop once we'd spent so much time together. We wouldn't have done any more, though. That's why Marc and I get on. We've got similar old-fashioned morals. We didn't do anything physically wrong, but there WAS a mental connection… But yes, I'm in love with Marc and I think he feels the same. I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together—I've found a soulmate and because I'm a hopeless romantic I want to be with him for ever."

We have to admit that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews do make a lovely, morally old-fashioned couple, in that she's already got a couple of kids from a failed marriage and he's been accused of domestic abuse.

And maybe this relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews will survive in a post-I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here environment. Fingers crossed that it does, because by our calculations the thing that the world currently needs most of all is a rival I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here couple to act as competition to Jordan and Peter Andre. Because, you know, they might eventually kill themselves fighting each other over an OK! photo shoot or an offer of a low-rent Five Life reality TV show. And then we'd just have Janice Dickinson left to worry about.

Read more:

It Was Like A Thunderbolt – News Of The World