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As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.
It’s about to get worse.
See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.
The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.
Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…
Marc Anthony probably gets sick of only being known as Jennifer Lopez’s husband, so he’s branched out.
He’s his own man now. His own man with his own stake in the Miami Dolphins, which is like a basketball team or something. Being a part-owner in a gigantic sport franchise like the Miami Dolphins will allow Marc Anthony to come out of Jennifer Lopez’s shadow. It’ll let him be his own man. It’ll allow the world to see that he’s not just a henpecked, put-upon husband to a frighteningly dominant woman.
Marc Anthony announced the news yesterday with Jennifer Lopez. Naturally.
Yesterday was a beautiful, moving, historic day – Jennifer Lopez totally sang a duet with Marc Anthony! Squeee!
You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they’ll get divorced on Valentine’s day.
So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won’t get divorced on Valentine’s day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.
There’s a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez’s skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce.
It’s true. It’s why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez’s imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can’t be confirmed until we’ve seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it’s enough for now.
Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn’t wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.
It always looked like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made beautiful music together – well, OK, maybe not beautiful music.
Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that’s what’s important. Except that they’re probably not happy, since they’ve both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce.
Apparently it’s all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling – plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo’s bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.
If there’s one thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s starring in hopeless romantic comedies that are only enjoyed by hairdressers and idiots.
But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.
However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.
