We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

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Well, turns out it’s true. Partially – Boy George has admitted that he did handcuff Audun Carlsen up, and that he did hit him a bit, but only consensually. But Boy George swears that he wasn’t going to kill him, because a dead manwhore wouldn’t be great for his career.

Remember, Boy George once painted his jaw black and pretended to be David Bowie on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, so he obviously knows a great career move when he sees one.

You can tell that Christmas is coming. There’s a chill in the air, a sense of breathless anticipation in everyone you meet, and also Boy George has managed to cartwheel gormlessly into another fat crapload of trouble.

It’s becoming a tradition, you see – Christmas 2006 was when Boy George went to court because a) he wanted to show off the new Fat Bald Goth look he was cultivating and b) he’d been arrested for filling his house with cocaine or something.

Then Christmas 2007 was when Boy George got arrested for allegedly falsely imprisoning a Norwegian male prostitute by handcuffing him to a wall, beating him up with a chain and threatening to kill him and, now it’s coming up to Christmas 2008, it must be time for Boy George to go to court for that very thing.

So he has. And in a shocking display of honesty, Boy George has admitted that he did chain his Norwegian manwhore up to a wall in his house. But only because Boy George wanted to make a series of pornographic photographs with him and then got a bit paranoid because he thought the manwhore was stealing the photos from his computer. Reuters reports:

Singer Boy George admitted to police that he handcuffed a male escort to his bed and threatened him, but was not going to kill him, a court heard on Monday at his trial on false imprisonment charges. “I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs, so he wouldn’t go anywhere while I checked the computer. I certainly wasn’t going to kill him, that’s hardly going to do my career any good is it?” he told police.

So let’s get this straight – Boy George is in court because he didn’t want a glitter-covered Norwegian prostitute to make pornographic photos of Boy George public? And he might go to prison for this? This is all wrong – Boy George should be freed immediately. Freed and given the keys to the city. And a castle made of solid gold to live in.

Seriously – if Boy George hadn’t chained Audun Carlsen up and threatened him like he supposedly did, then do you know what we’d be looking at right now? Pictures of a fat bald goth who looks like he does a bit of bricklaying on the side standing around licking his lips with a funny little erection wedged between his fat little thighs, that’s what.

No, by making sure that those photos stayed private, Boy George has saved us all from blindness or madness or both, and we should all shake him firmly by the hand for that.

Well, OK, maybe not literally shake him by the hand. Not unless we want to catch Norwegian hand-syphilis or whatever it is that these manwhores pass about. But, you know, we can bump elbows with him or something.

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Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we'd chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we're basically just following in Boy George's footsteps, but we'll also be acutely aware that we'd probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he's just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn't – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

February 25. It's a date we all celebrate as Ric Flair's birthday or the day when Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev denounced the actions of Stalin in his speech On the Personality Cult and its Consequences, but as of next year February 25 will go down in history as the date that Boy George's trial started for the time that he may have chained up a Norwegian manwhore against his will.

It was an inevitability that Boy George would end up in court at some point in February, though, because that's how he likes to spend that particular month. In February of this year, for example, Boy George went to court to face charges of cocaine possession and was subsequently ordered to sweep up New York as a punishment; something that Boy George took like a man. A giant bald angry man throwing the world's most awkward temper tantrum, yes, but a man nonetheless.

Next February, though, we're not so sure that Boy George will get away so lightly if he's convicted of the charge he's facing at the moment. And that charge, like you need telling, is the charge of chaining Norwegian male escort Auden Carlsen to a wall in his house and then threatening him a bit on April 28 this year. Boy George was charged with hooker-chaining earlier this month, and this morning he was in Thames Magistrates' Court learning that he's going to face a full trial for it next year.

According to reports, Boy George only spoke to confirm his name and date of birth during the hearing, and then left in a silver vehicle without talking to anybody, much less stopping to chain up anyone vaguely Scandinavian-looking and then tease them until they were sad, which was either proof of Boy George's innocence or a crushing disappointment depending on who you are.

Quite what the trial will involve – we're guessing that Boy George will try the time-honoured "He bloody loved it" defence – or how long the trial will last is anybody's guess at the moment. Plus, given Boy George's previous encounters with courts, we wouldn't be surprised if he keeps trying to push the trial further and further back as the date approaches.

That remains to be seen, but we'd just like to be the first to publicly declare our interest in becoming jury members for the trial. This is for the following reasons: 1) Forming a verdict in the trial is the closest we'll ever get to chaining up a male prostitute, at least without paying some sort of subscription fee, and 2) We promise that we'll definitely find Boy George guilty regardless of the evidence. We still haven't forgiven him for ballsing up an entire episode of The A Team, you see.