We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

If gender transition surgery is anything like we imagine, then pretty soon Chaz Bono is gonna be laying unconscious on a table with current-conducive wiring connecting a tank full of electric eels to the little metal bolts on either side of his heavily stitched penis. That’s because Chastity Bono has decided she needs to be a man.

We just want her to know it takes more than a blood-filled skin flap to be endowed with masculinity. No – she’s gonna have to sign up for football throwing lessons. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if she started chewing tobacco for a few years post-op. That way everybody will know she’s really serious about the whole thing.

How do you think her mother feels about the whole thing? After all, when Chastity initially came out as not-straight her mom had a hard time with it. Not this time though – this time Cher is fully supportive. That’s why she’s having a urinary track embedded in her nose to prep it for a daughter’s-crotch donation, if you catch our meaning. We’ve studied the matter, and anatomically that’s actually quite plausible.

Plausible maybe, but not true. Here’s a direct Cher quote to clear things up:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support. I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

When asked what would happen to Chaz’s discarded ovaries, Cher hinted silently with her eyes:

“I don’t know what Chaz will do with them, but if they end up in my possession I fully intend to  fill them full of grandbabies.”

The singer failed to elaborate on just how that would happen. Maybe if she sewed them into a sterile monkey and slowly lowered it into an oozing vat of donor sperm.

Science could probably do that, you know. They really probably could.

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According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.

Nicole Kidman has made some blinding movies lately, hasn’t she? Like that one where she had it off with a 10-year-old boy because she thought he was her dead husband. That was a good one, although not as good as the one where she played a woman famous for taking photos of a hairy man. Oh, and who can forget the remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers where she screams a lot and beats up little Asian kids with a bed?

However, chances are you didn’t see any of those movies because, well, because nobody did. Just like nobody saw Bewitched, The Golden Compass or Margot At The Wedding. In fact, things have got so bad for Nicole Kidman professionally that she was recently named the worst-value actress in Hollywood.

And now that Nicole Kidman has taken some time out to have a baby and give some genuinely uncomfortable interviews about it, it’s time for her to make her dramatic comeback. How does she plan to do that? By getting her agent to seek out a surefire blockbuster for her to star in? By securing a small part in a comedy to show that she can make fun out of herself, Tom Cruise-style?

No. Nicole Kidman has decided to stage her comeback by making a film about a man who his his willy chopped off. Worse still, it’s a Danish man. Reuters reports:

The Australian actress will star in and produce “The Danish Girl,” based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener… Greta encouraged her husband to adopt [a] female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

Of course, Nicole Kidman should find playing a man particularly easy – her rigid batlike face makes it perfect to convey masculine suppressed emotion, for instance, plus she’s married to Keith Urban and he’s a man. She should get into practise for the role by copying his mannerisms. Not all of them, obviously, because we’re not sure how many Danish transsexuals from the 1930s were roaring drunk rednecks who look, act and talk exactly the same as Sawyer from Lost, but some of them.

But still, it’s easy to see why Nicole Kidman has decided to play a post-op transsexual. After all, she won an Oscar for playing a lesbian in The Hours, and Hilary Swank won an Oscar for play a transgendered boy, so it seems certain that The Danish Girl will be an expressway to Oscar glory for her. Provided, of course, that the Academy introduces a category for Best Shameful Pandering To Oscar Voters By A Woman Rendered Inscrutable By What Appears To Be Botched Cosmetic Surgery. It’s in the bag if that happens.

Get on that Lifetime.

OK, well sometimes the hope-giving is through their music. Take a man who was recently in a coma, for instance. His wife plugged some headphones into his ears, blasted I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, and then the guy’s ears started to tremble and bleed. That song does the exact same thing to us. It usually starts 1/3 into verse 1.

The guys ears didn’t really bleed – he miraculously woke up.

Nowadays whenever any of the Rolling Stones make the news, its for things like poon-jabbing a Russian bar-maid who’s so young she’s not entirely sure what communism actually is. Also they make the news for getting hit in the head with coconuts or something, getting those coconut-hit heads operated on (or something), and imbibing their parents by whatever means necessary.

No or something necessary for that last bit of sentence. Allegedly.

The Rolling Stones’ news-worthiness has just been stood on its ear. Suddenly they are famous for good reason. Suddenly they can be looked upon, not as gross and prunish, but as brave and overly-skinned.

Here’s what ContactMusic.com reports on the matter:

“The ROLLING STONES have been hailed unlikely life-savers after waking a British fan from a coma. Sam Carter lost consciousness after contracting severe anaemia but came to when his favourite Stones track, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction was blasted into his ears. Ironically, the single was the first the retired baker bought when he was a teenager in 1965. Carter, from Stoke, England, was given just a 30 per cent survival rate by doctors, who advised his wife Eva to play his favourite track through headphones strapped to her husband’s head. Carter says, “I suddenly had a burst of energy and knew I had a lot more life left in me and that’s when I woke up – to the sound of the first song I ever bought.”

What Contact Music didn’t tell us in there is that the man who just awoke from the coma, well he’s gonna wait until the girl Geri Halliwell woke from a coma comes of age, and then they’re gonna make ex-coma babies to the beat of an extremely mediocre soundtrack.

Incidentally, there’s a reason Contact Music didn’t tell us any of that.

A very good reason.

Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher - if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.

We are absolutely positive that people all over the world would love to touch Cher – and why wouldn't they? After all, if you touch her and then put your fingers straight in your mouth your spit actually becomes a gonorrhea-antidote – over twelve scientists have proved this.

That's why, when the horrible time comes that Cher lays down to give her ghost, Canada's already made a big jar to keep her skin in. They know it's gross – but it's for science. Once gonorrhea has been triumphantly defeated forever we can afford to put her skin underground with her skeleton – but until then, venereal diseases everywhere simply won't allow it.

On to truer news – Cher was sitting in some bar somewhere simply trying to enjoy herself behind a velvet rope, when some young drunk kept trying to get all handsy. Fox News says:

"Police say 36-year-old Calvin Hutton Houghland tried to make contact with Cher at the club early Wednesday morning and was asked to leave. The report says Houghland complied but returned a short time later and grabbed Cher by the waist as she sat in a roped-off area. Houghland was escorted from the bar, but he returned again and approached Cher in an aggressive manner. When security blocked his advances, he called police to say he had been assaulted…Police said Cher declined to prosecute the man for assault for grabbing her, but police said he asked to be arrested."

Cher probably spent the rest of the evening wondering if Houghland could be 'the one' for her, and sketching pictures on cocktail napkins of what she thought their kids might look like.

Two of them looked like the guy from Mask, which she wasn't as open to as she'd hoped that film had made her.

This is just what we heard.