Man - HecklerSpray

Badvertising: Is The Lynx 2012 Man The Unluckiest On Earth?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.

These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.

We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.

Awesome or Off-Putting: Shape-Shifting Something or Other Gently Terrorizes South African Town!

April 25th, 2011 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

What’s the scariest thing you can think of? If you said Mof Gimmers in a silk nightie we don’t blame you. You’re wrong though. What would be far scarier than that is a man morphing into a pig then morphing into a bat right in front of your freaking eyes. You don’t think that sounds scary? Well what if we told you the bat would fly up your butt then start the whole process again. Scary, right?

We thought so.

Cher’s Gay Daughter To Surgically Become Cher’s Straight Son

June 19th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

Nicole Kidman: Transsexual

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nicole Kidman has made flops for five years, so now she’s going to change that – by making a film about Nicole Kidman’s penis.

According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.

Rolling Stones Song Wakes Man Up From Coma, And Its Not Keith Richards

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

For years the Rolling Stones have been giving hope to the dead and the nearly dead. Not through their music – no, just in the fact that they can still get around reasonably well without having had an actual pulse in over thirty years. Seriously – its inspiring.

Get on that Lifetime.

OK, well sometimes the hope-giving is through their music. Take a man who was recently in a coma, for instance. His wife plugged some headphones into his ears, blasted I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, and then the guy’s ears started to tremble and bleed. That song does the exact same thing to us. It usually starts 1/3 into verse 1.

The guys ears didn’t really bleed – he miraculously woke up.

Man Forbidden From Touching Cher, Requests Incarceration

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.

And literally during the march too – at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us – we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.

Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher – if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.