Guess what? We’re going to hit you with a brace of new Eurovision 2009 profiles.

Makes a change, eh? Anyway, you’ll be thrilled to learn that we’re about to hit something of a rare streak of form this week. This week we’ll almost certainly be writing about the song that’ll win the Eurovision Song Contest. Luckily, however, we’ve also got the worst song in Eurovision history coming up in a few days as well. Keep your eyes open for that one.

But first, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Chiara from Malta…

Malta · Chiara, What If We

Now we know how this works. Malta loves Eurovision and – as we’ve learnt in previous years – they will defend their song to the death is we even come close to slagging it off. So it’s with a heavy heart that we must report that What If We by Chiara is – we can’t believe we’re saying this – quite good. It’s exactly the sort of booming power ballad that Andrew Lloyd Webber should have written for the UK, and Chiara – a Eurovision veteran – manages to belt it out with astounding clarity. But we can’t go a whole year without mocking the Maltese, which is why we’d also like to point out that What If We has also got a set of terrible lyrics that appear to have been cribbed from a third-rate self-help book, and also that Chiara is fat. Fat people are funny. Phew, that’s better.

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More Eurovision betting odds for you. More! Forever! Or until May, which certainly feels like forever away.

We have some tragic news for you today. Thanks to Eurovision regulations, the Bosnian Eurovision entry Laka – who you should vote for, by the way – isn’t allowed to bring his chicken onstage with him during his performance. It’s sad, but not that sad – he’s bringing a picture of the chicken onstage instead. Hooray for flimsy loopholes!

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Malta, with help from Paddy Power…

Malta (pop. 399,867; a small and densely populated island nation in Southern Europe) Morena, Vodka

Ah, the irresponible booze song. Vodka is actually the first irresponsible Eurovision booze song since Denmark’s I’m Shitfaced On Pikey Cider in 1978, so congratulations to Malta for that. It’s just a shame that your song is so useless. Vodka sounds exactly like Namco World in the middle of half term in an echo chamber, and – as cute as Morena is – the fact that she sings it like Anastasia possessed by an evil spirit doesn’t exactly help much either. But what’s the song actually about? Let’s try and find out by taking a look at the lyrics: “VODKA that’s the secret word/ VODKA and they want it so bad/ VODKA I’ve deciphered the code/Got a rush in the head VODKA” Just a hunch, but we think it might be about vodka. Could be wrong. Current Eurovision betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow: Moldova! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.