Accessory to musical murder U2 guitarist The Edge has been told that his proposed property development would be one of the “worst” things to happen to California in terms of environmental devastation.

The guitarist, famous for making a noise which is primarily effects with a thin, marmalade-like scraping of musical ability, had applied for permission to build a group of mansions near Malibu; the plush hangout of the rich and famous… and U2.

The friend of Bono (the guy who wears the glasses and talks too much)- whose real name is Audley Hedgerow – had made a proposal to construct five mansions overlooking Malibu rejected by the California Coastal Commission. Despite making reassurances that the venture would be environmentally-friendly, The Edge’s plans were rejected out of hand due to its impact on the ecosystem in the area.

After turning down the scheme by a vote of 8-4, the commission’s executive director Peter Douglas said:

“In 38 years of this commission’s existence, this is one of the three worst projects that I’ve seen in terms of environmental devastation. It’s a contradiction in terms — you can’t be serious about being an environmentalist and pick this location.”

The commission cited the effects on habitat, land formation, scenic views and water quality as their reason for refusing the project. In spite of this, The Edge is not a massive hypocrite. We must bear that in mind. We must remember that this is a man who is in an awful rock band with noted humanitarian and all-round irritant Bono. How could he possibly be a hypocritical idiot with more focus on the contents of his wallet (which is carried around Malibu on the back of a Sherpa) than the potential impact on the environment? Remember? Bono!

Despite numerous recommendations from various agencies recommending that the project be rejected out of hand, the Coastal Commission admit that they expect the matter to end up in the courts. It’s America. No-one’s litigious in America, so the shock that some Irishman with a collection of guitars- that if laid out in a line would stretch to the moon- might appeal the decision has come as a massive shock to the Californian press.

The Edge – was has fought since 2006 to receive permits for the proposal – had hired prominent lobbyists and promoted the development as environmentally-friendly in a bid to earn approval using the ill-gotten gains of selling millions of albums to idiots with no taste.

Last year, Malibu Mayor Pro Tem Jefferson Wagner lambasted the proposals, insisting the development would be out of character for the area. He said:

“This is not what Malibu is about. These kind of places are ego run riot.”

Yeah… that’s completely unlike Malibu.

Bono is thought to have suggested that The Edge build a wind farm out at sea and live in the turbine of one of the giant structures, only venturing out to harvest the organic cress that sustains his ‘creative energy’ and, of course, to join U2 on one of their ceaseless, over-priced stadium tours which they fly to in Earth murdering jumbo jets fuelled by Ethiopians woe.

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Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.

What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!

Like many people, our one dream in life is to witness a triathlon completed by at least two members of the principle cast of 2001 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. So imagine how infuriated we were yesterday when we realised that we were missing that exact thing. Infuriated enough to draw an angry face in our own poo on the wall of a public toilet, that’s how infuriated.

That’s because yesterday saw the Nautica Malibu Triathlon take place in, um, Malibu. And given that Malibu is where all the famous people live, it was only natural to see both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez take part in it.

We’re going to basically ignore Matthew McConaughey – because, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime – and concentrate on Jennifer Lopez. Although fit enough to take part in a triathlon, thanks to her extensive training as a dancer and the way she’s deftly evaded Heather Mills and her vivisection roadshow for all these years, we shouldn’t forget that Jennifer Lopez has only just given birth to twins.

Talk about battling the odds. By rights Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have come anywhere near completing the triathlon, given the physical and mental toll of childbirth alongside the fact that she has precisely the wrong body-shape for triathlons, thanks to her arse being so big that it a) drags along the ground during the running part, b) makes swimming feel like you’re dragging 17 tons of polystyrene behind you in a net tied to your colon and c) keeps getting snarled up in your back spokes.

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez managed to finish the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in what we’re told is the fairly respectable time of just under two and a half hours. People reports:

The singer-actress was cheered on from the sidelines by husband Marc Anthony, who escorted her to a VIP area with his arm securely around her after she crossed the finish line, exhausted, but with her fists pumped in victory.

So congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, and double congratulations to her newborn twins. Now, when they’re old enough to go to school, they’ll be able to able to look their classmates in the eye and say that not only is their mother a world-famous singer and actress but also in the absolute peak of her physical condition.

And we’re sure that’s bound to make up for the fact that for the first six months of their lives Jennifer Lopez was probably too busy running around in circles and twatting around on a pushbike to notice they even existed, and that nursing on her teat must have been like trying to suck water out of a mound of powdered ash because of it. We expect.

It looks like the latest wildfires to hit California might be an act of God, in which case we can assume that God dislikes the Red Hot Chili Peppers almost as much as we do.

That's because Flea, the man responsible for all of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' interminable bass solos, is the highest-profile victim of the wildfires that swept through Malibu this weekend. According to Flea himself, his $4.8 million Malibu mansion has been "burnt to a crisp." It's a tragic situation for Flea to be in, because not only was he forced to witness the total destruction of his house, but he's now also been forced into emergency accommodation in the form of the other $10 million mansion he also owns in Malibu. We sense the next Red Hot Chili Peppers album might be quite heavy on the bass-led ballads about how crap it is to only have one multi-million dollar Malibu mansion instead of two, you know.

As we speak the Red Hot Chili Peppers are busy suing Showtime because they have an album called Californication and Showtime has a show called Californication. Nobody knows which way the lawsuit will go yet, but we're assuming that Mother Nature wants Showtime to win, because she's just burnt down Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house down. Personally if we were Mother Nature we'd have also set fire to David Duchovny's house as well, partly out of a sense of fairness and partly because we'd want to scare him into never making any more episodes of that rubbish TV show ever again, but we just don't have that power.

So it's just Flea who got hit by the latest wildfires to hit California this weekend, causing 15,000 people to evacuate their properties and thought to be started by either arson or a fallen power line. One of Flea's two Malibu mansions has been completely gutted by the fire – the one that was apparently on sale for $4.8 million, and was described by estate agents Pritchett-Rapf & Associates as being:

"Set in a botanical paradise, this private 2.4 acre compound also features a newly refinished pool and spa, private alcoves and pathways throughout the grounds."

Something tells us that Flea probably won't get the asking price for the mansion any more, unless millionaires exist who are equally enthusiastic about hopelessly generic middle of the road self-indulgent old man white boy funk-rock and smouldering piles of ash, which we can't really see happening. Nobody likes white boy funk-rock that much, surely.

But let's not mock Flea too much, because losing your house in a wildfire must be an indescribably traumatic thing to go through for anyone, and that includes slightly annoying members of bands we don't like all that much.

So instead, let's treat Flea's misfortune as a lesson here – what with all the violent displays of uncontrollable fire and the possibility of either being smacked in the face with Britney Spears' vagina or being ethnically insulted by Mel Gibson, we're going to strike Malibu off our list of holiday destinations for next year. That just leaves Kabul, which is probably better because we're really worried about the vagina thing happening.

Read more:

Flea, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist, Loses Home In Malibu Fire – Los Angeles Times