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Malawi

Madonna’s Adoption Plans Shelved Foreverish

by Stuart Heritage

All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth.

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Madonna Can’t Have That Orphan She Had Her Eye On

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a big day for Madonna – although at her age any day that she doesn’t shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day.

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Madonna’s Son Doesn’t Recognise Madonna’s Son’s Dad

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like.

No, wait, that’s disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what’s the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he’s so poor through an interpreter?

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Lock Up Your Orphans, Malawi – Madonna’s In Town

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna – essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina – is in Malawi.

You know what this means? Madonna isn’t leaving until she’s snagged herself an orphan. It doesn’t matter how – whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody’s looking – it’s going to happen.

Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would – otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that’s the only reason she’s even doing this.

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Madonna Hunts Another Orphan, For A Son Or Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube.

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Madonna Gets To Keep Her Adopted Malawian Boy-Slave

by Stuart Heritage

Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna’s arm all veiny and crap – Madonna’s won her adoption case!

It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.

We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.

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Madonna’s Big Custody Showdown Shelved Yet Again

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.

And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gainedpermanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.

But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for DavidBanda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.

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Madonna Has A Party For Malawi

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna love Malawi, this much we know. Madonna loves Malawi like she loves horrific leotards and getting her arm muscles all veiny.

And that’s why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna’s helping to get Malawi richer, she’s effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

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