Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.

Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.

How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ‘em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?

Madge hasn’t been having a great time of it of late. First of all, it transpired that she hated you and your stupid floral gifts. Then, some dry-heave inducing nude pictures leaked online.

Now, topping those two woeful incidents, she’s putting out a really, really terrible single.

It’s clear that Madonna doesn’t know how to keep up in the world of pop anymore as she’s being outfoxed by GaGa, out dirtied by Rihanna and out cutesied by everyone else.

As such, she is seemingly going for the Crazy Frog approach and creating a track which is irritatingly ear-wormy and something of a novelty single.

She even feels the need to say her own name in the song, over and over, because she’s worried we’ve all forgotten about her.

Have a listen.

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Tis the season for leaked nude photographs and, sadly, this time around, it’s a hard-bodied Madonna who we’re getting to gawp at, who, at the time of press, is roughly the same age as the horizon.

That’s right! She’s been having a photoshoot and some wag has leaked some snaps of her before anyone can airbrush.

And yes, she’s topless. So no, they’re totally NSFW. They’re not even SFE (‘safe for Earth’).

Anyway, Madonna appears in these photos with her gym-honed limbs, all sinewy and veiny like four particularly large penises.

And there’s the stomach. Boy what a gut! It looks like you could bounce coins from it.  Alas, the skin doth sag over it like a soil bedsheet over a mattress made from concrete.

Her wig is a thing of beauty too.

Feel free to say “Well, I think she looks great for her age!” or “When you’ve achieved what she’s achieved, then you can criticise!” because, as we all know, no-one is allowed an opinion on anything unless some arbitrary rules have been put in place beforehand, like wealth or influence.

Or in Madonna’s case, the existence of ‘Into The Groove’.

In fairness, it is an absolutely perfect record… but still, that won’t stop us from sneering. IT’S ALL WE’VE GOT! Now look at her naked. Again.

GODDAMMIT.

*****UPDATE*****

If you’re looking for dodgy Madonna n00dz, then sorry. We had to take them down because SOMEONE threatened us with legal action. The place we originally saw them may have them. They’re EB&D so visit them. If not, we’re pretty sure you’ll be able to find them somewhere on Google Images with the Safe Search switched off.

And so. By way of apology for not being able to find what you’re looking for, here’s something else to gawp at.

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She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.

The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.

But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?

Of course, this could all fall through as Madge has been rumoured to perform in two Super Bowls before (1998 and 2000) but she clearly couldn’t be bothered.

If it does go through, she’ll be joining a number of megastars who have performed on the Super Bowl pitch such as The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson’s nipple.

Last year, Americans witnessed the Black Eyed Peas prancing around in what was arguably the worst Super Bowl halftime ever.

EVER.

Naturally, Madonna will want to raise some eyebrows during her performances, so we suspect that she’ll take to the stage on a flaming crucifix while dry-humping a black Jesus, climaxing with the effigy of Lady GaGa getting stabbed by a hoard of gay men in PVC nappies.

That would actually be brilliant and don’t you dare pretend otherwise.

The football organization is keeping mum, with NFL spokesdude Greg Aiello (too many vowels in that surname) saying:

“We do not comment on the musical talent for the Super Bowl until we have something to announce”

Amazing words.

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Madonna. Stupid, canny, very bright Madonna. You can throw what you like at her, but like a wily old street fighter, she ducks and weaves before whupping your ass with a bike chain while your back is turned.

The swine.

See, after the hydrangea debacle, we all flung handfuls of faeces at her and hooted our traps off about how she was a spiteful, ungrateful git. And so, Madonna went and made video to answer everyone’s criticisms.

If you missed it, Madonna hit the headlines after a fan gave her some flowers which she hated. Sadly for her, she was caught on video rolling her eyes at the whole thing.

Now, Queen Madge has responded to that video with one of her own entitled “Madonna’s love letter to hydrangeas”.

Of course, this being Madonna, she’s more than self-aware and self-effacing about it all (she’s arguably the most self-aware human on the planet) so the video isn’t so much a grovelling apology…

…in fact, it isn’t sorry at all.

Just watch it, okay?

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Madonna is so far removed from society, that even small gifts from us plebs make her angry. Gestures are just not enough, as we’re supposed to know exactly what she likes or else we’ll incur her stupid, pointless wrath.

We saw this yesterday on these pages as she turned her aged nose up at a lovely flower, brought to her by some bloke in a suit.

And so, this got us thinking. What flower would we give to Madonna if we were unlucky enough to meet her? Opinions were sought around the ‘spray hovel, and some very interesting answers emerged.

There’s a huge number of plants and flowers out there which we could try and impress Madonna with.

Alas, we’d be most likely to give her some that scorch her skin and poison her.

That would invariably end in a prison sentence, we figured we’d offend her in other ways.

And so, here’s our list of disgusting plants we’d give to stupid, ungrateful Madge who, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve our time or effort.

But we do like ‘Into The Groove’.

(Not enough to stop us from being peevish and send her vile plants though)

Hydnora africana

This horrible looking thing is a parasitic flower that kills everything surrounding it. Better than all that though, is that this unusual plant emits the smell of faeces. AND IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT MINGE.

Dracunculus vulgaris

The Dracunculus vulgaris smells like rotting human flesh, which is nice. Madonna would love that no doubt, as it reminds her of the humans she feasts on in her futile bid to stay young. Also, IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS A BIG, BLACK DONG.

Monkey cups

Aw! Monkey cups! Cups that monkeys drink from, right? Wrong. Also known as the Pitcher Plant, this thing can eat rats. Seriously. A meat eating plant. Little Shop Of Horrors, come true to life. It also looks like a really exotic toilet.

Vegetable sheep (Raoulia eximia)

This stupid thing looks like a sheep grazing on rocks from a distance. They’re thoroughly ugly and will die in the care of Madonna, leaving her with the feeling of having killed a poor innocent lamb.

Rafflesia arnoldii

Look! Look at this horrible thing! Madonna would love to be given one of these. Why? Because it smells like a dying mammal and looks like it has acne.

Amorphophallus

Look at this horror. The name means, literally, “shapeless male genetalia”, which Madonna could use to remind herself of her former beau, Guy Richie.

Birthwort (Aristolochia gigantea)

Hey! It’s the Giant Birthwort or Dutchman’s Pipe. It’s a plant covered in hair and was given its name thanks to looking at bit like afterbirth.

Welwitschia

It looks like a diseased dragon’s tongue, is covered in wasps, hugely poisonous and is around 2000 years old. Madonna would have a lot to identify with.

Elephant’s Trunk (Pachypodium namaquanum)

Look at this stupid, ugly thing. It looks like Fido Dido got sucked up by an elephant. Madge would love one of these thrown at her by an adoring fan.

Next week: We fend off green fingered idiots for getting fundamental things wrong about all these plants no doubt.

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When us mere mortals make some kind of gesture to an incredibly wealthy celebrity, we expect our meagre offerings to be useless to them, but at least met with some vague gratefulness, right?

What on Earth could you offer someone who has probably already bought everything in the world? Including actual humans from Africa.

And so, when someone tried to do something nice for Madonna, instead of simply being pleased that someone wanted to put a smile on that horribly wizened face of hers, she threw it all back at us like a spoiled git.

While Madge was promoting her awful film and expecting us plebs to fork out our money on watching it in some wretched cinema, someone gave her a flower.

Isn’t that nice? Giving flowers to people is lovely isn’t it?

However, Madonna hates the general public and was caught out on the microphone – which you’d assume she’d know the workings of, what with her being a professional singer for roughly 800 years – saying that she ‘loathed’ a flower bouquet given to her.

In unedited footage from her Venice Film Festival press conference, we see Madonna handed a gigantic purple hydrangea.

She cracks a smile so fake that a politician would spit their tea through their nose with laughter, before grimacing and muttering:

“I absolutely loathe hydrangeas.”

We would’ve preferred the whole ‘Oh thank-you! How thoughtful!’ but y’know, this is Madonna. She hates us. She hates us all.

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Madonna. She made a lot of great pop records. A LOT. She’s a successful business woman (when she’s not setting up failed gyms in Mexico) and owns a record label that launched another bunch of stars.

However, one thing she never got right was the movies.

Not that this has stopped her from releasing a new film called W.E. (it’s about Wallis Simpson and blah blah blah) and everyone is expecting a brown trout of a feature. Why does she bother? Let us peer at her terrible movie past.

Of course, Madge will make more money and hangers-on than we’ll ever have, but that’s not to say we can’t see a turd in the bowl when we stumble across one.

And boy howdy, Madonna has been responsible for some howlingly awful flicks in her time.

Does she care? Clearly not. Do her fans? Invariably, they’ll spend their time scouring the internet looking for naysayers to shoot down with a ‘YEAH! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE? SHE GIVES TO CHARITY YOU KNOW?!’

Anyway, here’s a showreel of Madonna showing that she shoulda stuck to singing.

Swept Away

Look! Terrible acting! She’s got the poise and grace of a daddy long legs!

Shanghai Surprise

One of the worst films ever made, period.

A Certain Sacrifice

The only real sacrifice here, is dignity.

Blue In The Face

Something we’ve all felt when shouting ‘stop acting’ at the TV when Madonna treads the boards.

Body Of Evidence (Not Exactly Safe For Work)

Crikey. If you thought Basic Instinct was wooden, this takes the biscuit. And half of Basic Instinct’s plot.

Truth Or Dare

Amazingly, this fly-on-the-waller shows Madonna’s acting at its worst. Listen to her hammed up New Yoik accent.

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Madonna is a maniac. She is. You knew that right? She’s gone on a rampage in Malawi and destroyed a school building just because she isn’t as successful or credible as she used to be. It’s an awful, awful state of affairs.

Other schools in impoverished African countries have been put on high-alert as officials worry that Madge could be hellbent on causing catastrophic havoc throughout the fine continent.

With her cold, lifeless eyes and her sinewy, gym-pumped and rage-fed muscles, Madonna took the school down in much the same way as Guile beats cars up in the special level on Street Fighter 2. What will stop her? The death of Lady GaGa?

Oh wait. What?

Oh.

It appears we have the wrong end of the stick. This appears to be a tale of admin, which is way less interesting.

Basically, the 3000 year old megastar planned to build a school for impoverished girls in Malawi, but alas, it has failed after the board of directors of the charity, Raising Malawi, were taken over by a caretaker board.

That’s right! A CARETAKER BOARD!

Madonna has, regrettably, stumped up $3.8 million for the project. She could have spent that money on really cool stuff like a robot cat that fires missiles shaped like Guy Ritchie from its anus. Alas, she’s spent it on an imaginary school.

Plans to build the $15 million school for about 400 girls have now been abandoned.

According to The New York Times, Michael Berg, a co-director of the Kabbalah Centre and the co-founder of Raising Malawi, said:

“A thoughtful decision has been made to discontinue plans for the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls, as it was originally conceived”

The Borderline singer said:

“‘There’s a real education crisis in Malawi. Sixty-seven per cent of girls don’t go to secondary school, and this is simply unacceptable. Our team is going to work hard to address this in every way we can.”

And then she went and smashed up a school in America because they can afford it, before dropping her trousers, taking an astonishingly lengthy piss into a bowler hat, which she then threw over a passing police officer.

That might be a lie.

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When Madonna visits Malawi, it tends to be because she wants to adopt another one of its adorable orphans.

But not this time. This time Madonna has gone to Malawi to launch her brand new school, the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls. It’s a noble gesture – Madonna wants to use the school to “focus on empowering women to become leaders, not like that fat idiot Guy Ritchie”. We made part of that quote up. We won’t tell you which part.

Anyway, it’s a great idea – thanks to Madonna the girls will graduate stronger, more empowered and legally recognised as one of Madonna’s own children. What’s not to love?

People of Malawi, we have two pieces of wonderful news for you. The first piece of wonderful news is that you don’t need to glue false moustaches to the faces of your children to pass them off as tiny, middle-aged waiters – yes, Madonna’s coming to visit, but she isn’t interested in adopting anybody this time. Your children are safe.

The second piece of good news is that, thanks to the Raising Malawi Academy For Girls, an entire generation of Malawian girls can now grow up to be just like Madonna. Not only does that mean that they’ll get first-hand information about how to piss off the pope, but it’s also going to be a boost for the nation’s faltering disgusting old lady leotard manufacturing industry. Obviously.

And those two pieces of good news are interlinked – Madonna is in Malawi to lay the foundation stone of the new academy. CNN reports:

The school will focus on empowering women to become leaders, the singer said on a Web site run by her charity. “Our goal is to teach them to challenge themselves, serve their local communities and develop their country,” she said. ” … Research proves that young girls throughout the developing world are often left without opportunities to receive a comprehensive education.”

If any of this sounds familiar, then that’s because it is. Madonna’s school is modelled on the academy that Oprah Winfrey built in South Africa two years ago, although instead of systematic sexual abuse, the students at Madonna’s school will simply receive the secrets of Madonna’s success – you know, how to constantly reinvent yourself, how to star in some of the worst films ever made, how to date boys young enough to feasibly be your grandchildren, how to practise a faddish, badly-defined spiritual mysticism that seems to largely revolve around expensive bottled water, that sort of thing.

But you know what? Good for Madonna. At least she’s doing something. Maybe it’s time that other stars took a leaf out of her book and started building schools in far away countries to push their hokey religious beliefs and smooth over any future roadblocks standing between them and the country’s delicious orphans. You other celebrities should be ashamed.

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When Madonna adopts a child, it’s hard. There’s the spoon-feeding. There’s the bathing. There’s the constant threat of incontinence.

Yup, that Madonna sure does take a lot of looking after. But little Mercy James is bound to cope. Because, just as we’ve been expecting all week, the Malawi Supreme Court has finally approved Madonna’s request to formally adopt Mercy James and take her home.

Madonna has fought so hard for this – it’s everything she’s always wanted. Until next week when she decides that she also wants a diamond-studded unicorn, and throws another pissy fit when someone tells her no, obviously.

Of all her admirable attributes, Madonna’s tenacity is right up there with her slightly nauseating unwillingness to dress remotely like a woman her own age, her swiftness to attach herself to religions which are plainly rooted in bullshit and and her ability to push a Snickers bar through the gap in her teeth sideways. When Madonna sees something she wants, she just goes ahead and gets it. Admittedly a few years later she tends to divorce it because it’s not the express ticket to A-list movie stardom she anticipated and also because it looks a bit like a potato, but that’s by the by.

The point is, Madonna’s tenacity has just ensured that she’s won the greatest prize of her life – a small orphan from Malawi who she may or may not plan to keep in a giant bell jar to use as her primary source of delicious stem cells.

That’s right – after her humiliating defeat earlier this year, Madonna’s adoption of Malawian orphan Mercy James has finally been given the official go-ahead by the country’s supreme court. AP reports:

Madonna can adopt a second child from Malawi, the southern African country’s highest court ruled, overturning a lower court decision it said was out of touch with the times. Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo, reading the three-judge panel’s ruling, also said the singer’s commitment to helping disadvantaged children should have been taken into account when deciding on Madonna’s request to adopt 3-year-old Chifundo “Mercy” James.

This news isn’t exactly a surprise – the adoption was widely predicted earlier this week – but it’ll be no less thrilling for Madonna, not least because the court has essentially set a precedent allowing Madonna to rock up to the country in a dirty great JCB and scoop up as many little orphans for herself as she can as often as she likes.

Because don’t forget that Madonna has done a lot for Malawi recently. She’s founded a charity to feed the country’s orphans and provide them with medical supplies – plus she’s built the Raising Malawi Kabbalah School to educate them in the mystic ways of the Kabbalah, ensuring that generations of Malawian orphans can grow up to be at least as clever as Ashton Kutcher. It might not be much, but it’s a start.

It just goes to show that money can’t buy you love. But it can buy you a crapload of bricks to build a school to indirectly guilt a government into giving you a kid who you can then go on to shower with the nearest approximation of love available to you at any given moment of time. Which is a completely different thing. It is.

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All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth.

Or, you know, look after them and give them a lifestyle they could never even imagine. Or whatever. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now because it’s all off. Madonna has discovered that her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy James from Malawi has been shelved indefinitely.

‘Indefinitely’ is a deceptively woolly term, so let’s try to break it down for you – it’s roughly the period of time that Madonna falsely thinks she can still get away with dressing like someone 35 years younger than her.

Madonna, for her faults, has done a lot for Malawi in her time. She’s helped to raise global awareness of the poverty that affects the country, and when she built that academy there she only managed to trample across a few people’s property to do it. Plus, let’s not forget that Madonna also took the liberty of removing David Banda from Malawi – something all Malawians are hugely grateful for because, well, he’s grown up to be a right little spoilt bastard, hasn’t he?

And all Madonna wanted in return was to adopt little Mercy James. In Madonna’s mind it was a win-win situation – Malawi would have one less desperate mouth to feed and a free space in one of its overcrowded orphanages, and in return Madonna would be able to school Mercy James in the traditional ways of the west, such as learning how to have unconvincing candle sex with Willem Dafoe and not understanding the true value of money.

Of course, that plan was dealt a fatal blow last month when Madonna’s adoption bid was turned down by the Malawi courts – but now Madonna has just learnt that her plan to appeal has also been indefinitely shelved. ABC reports:

“There is a gripping temptation to throw caution to the wind and grant an adoption in the hope that there will be a difference in the life of even just one child,” Justice E.J. Chombo wrote in the lower court ruling. “But removing the very safeguard that is supposed to protect our children … could actually facilitate trafficking of children by some unscrupulous individuals.”

He’s got a point, obviously – granting an international adoption to Madonna before she’s spent two years living in Malawi would really put them on thin ice. Sure, first it’s just one child to Madonna, then the next thing you know there’s a whole bunch of other pop singers coming to Malawi to do exactly the same thing. Would you be able to live with yourself if you saw a picture of Gina G holding down six or seven Malawian babies under her foot while she sucked the spinal fluid out of them through a straw? Would you?

But, all credit to Madonna, she knows when she’s been beaten. So it’s with a heavy heart that she’ll leave Malawi, possibly for good. Just Madonna on her own. Just Madonna and her special wriggling luggage that sounds like muffled cries for help. She’ll be missed.

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It’s a big day for Madonna – although at her age any day that she doesn’t shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day.

What’s the occasion? Why, despite her best efforts, a court has rejected Madonna’s bid to adopt Mercy James from Malawi. It’s sad news – Madonna had already ordered Mercy 25 genuinely offensive leotards and purchased a special little drill to gap her teeth and everything.

What’s Madonna’s next step? Well, she can either appeal against the ruling or adopt a kid from Gloucestershire and just black it up a bit. The second one’s probably easier.

Today was supposed to be a big day for Madonna – although at her age any day that she doesn’t almost die of pneumonia alone in her house is a big day – but it was going to be an even bigger day for young Mercy James. When she woke up this morning, she knew that one of the following things would definitely happen to her:

1 – Madonna would fly home from Malawi without her, leaving her to probably die young in extreme poverty, or

2 – Madonna would be allowed to adopt her, and she’d spend her formative years listening to a lycra-clad pensioner thump on about Kabbalah like a wild-eyed ninny all the time.

Basically our point is that Mercy James was going to be effed either way, but you probably got that.

However, in a piece of frankly stunning news, the Malawi High Court has decided that Madonna won’t be allowed to adopt Mercy James after all. Reuters reports:

A Malawian court ruled on Friday that U.S. pop star Madonna cannot be granted an interim adoption of a second child from the country, three court sources said. Rights groups have accused Malawian authorities of giving her special treatment… Malawian civil society groups opposed the adoption attempt and a local human rights activist said it would amount to child trafficking.

Madonna had certainly put in the legwork when it came to adopting Mercy James. During this week’s visit to Malawi, she did all she could to show the authorities that she’d be a good mother – like taking David Banda to disappoint his biological father, deciding to bulldoze a load of houses so that she could build a high-profile vanity project there and, crucially, divorcing that mockney potato-man who followed her around last time.

But still, things weren’t completely cut and dry as far as having the adoption granted went – especially because of the furore over her last adoption and the fact that she’d be raising Mercy James alone – and that’s what made today such a big day for Madonna. Although at her age any day that she doesn’t start crying because she’s forgotten the names of her own immediate family is a big day.

What happens next is anybody’s guess. You’d imagine that someone as pugnacious and used to getting her own way as Madonna won’t take this ruling lying down, making an appeal almost inevitable. But on the other hand she might just stick with her ridiculously young boyfriend instead, seeing as how he’s only a couple of days older than Mercy James anyway. But still, right now Madonna is at a crossroads – making today one of the biggest days in Madonna’s life.

Although, technically, any day that Madonna isn’t forced to spend an entire week in her stairlift because it stopped mid-journey and she left her panic button in the kitchen is a big day.

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The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like.

No, wait, that’s disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what’s the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he’s so poor through an interpreter?

Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.

Adopting a child from another country can be an incredibly bittersweet affair. Although on one hand, you’re taking the child out away from a life of poverty, misery and a criminally low life expectancy, you’re also destroying part of their cultural heritage.

What’s more, for every moment of joy you derive from giving your new child a silly, made-up name, you’ve also got to cope with the moment of agony that comes when you realise that People paid more for Christina Aguilera‘s stupid baby photos than your own. It’s a ruddy minefield.

And that’s why you need to be delicate about it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for instance, famously observe each of their children’s geographically-specific indigenous Christmas traditions. And Madonna, um, gives her children funny haircuts and then ignores their biological parents for so long that they completely fail to recognise each other on the rare occasion that they do meet. Which is sort of the same thing, really.

Madonna is currently in Malawi trying to adopt a girl called Mercy James – who is either a poverty-stricken orphan or, judging by her name, a feisty wild west prostitute – and she used this visit to briefly reunite David Banda with his father Yohane. It was a touching gesture, or at least it would have been a touching gesture if a) David Banda knew who his father was, b) spoke the same language as his father or c) managed to show even the slightest flicker of empathy for his father. Now quotes:

‘He asked me in English who I was and what I do. When I told him, “I am your daddy” he looked surprised. We spent three hours together… he played with my nose and although he did not know who I was he asked me lots of questions. He asked me why I am poor.’

Sadly the visit was cut short when David Banda mistook one of his biological uncles for a cocktail waiter, ordered him to scare up a Mai Tai while clicking his fingers, then went after him with a horsewhip when he didn’t instantly comply. This didn’t happen.

However, despite all the obvious awkwardness in the encounter – and the larger illustration of the heartbreak that foreign adoption can cause – Yohane Banda also said that he’s grateful that Madonna adopted David and saved him from ‘possible early death.’ He then hopped onto his gleaming new motorcycle and zoomed off to the jetski marina leaving a cloud of money in his wake.

This didn’t happen either. Probably.

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Madonna – essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang‘s Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina – is in Malawi.

You know what this means? Madonna isn’t leaving until she’s snagged herself an orphan. It doesn’t matter how – whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody’s looking – it’s going to happen.

Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would – otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that’s the only reason she’s even doing this.

No matter what she does, Madonna always manages to bugger things up one way or another, doesn’t she? Like when she married Guy Ritchie, for example – that would have been great if it weren’t for that bloody film they made together. And when she popularised Kabbalah she inadvertently set Ashton Kutcher off down a path that’s ended with him filling up nine-tenths of Twitter with piss-boring self-conscious messages about social awareness. The bloody great cow.

Most conspicuously, though, Madonna has buggered up just about everything to do with her adoption of orphans from Malawi. First any philanthropic aspects of her adoption of David Banda almost came undone when it was revealed that he was one of those special orphans whose parents weren’t quite all dead yet, and now the school she’s building in Malawi might derail her potential second adoption.

Madonna is due in a Malawi court later this week for a hearing, probably over her application to adopt three-year-old orphan Mercy James. But for all the good that would come from the adoption – like the fact that this one won’t have to spend every other weekend at Guy Ritchie’s house and that she’ll be given a life so extravagant that she’ll wake up every morning thanking her lucky stars that her mother died when she was a baby – the controversy over the school she’s building in the country might just overshadow all of that.

Why? Because it’s an obvious ploy to bribe the government into letting her adopt another baby? No. Because Madonna’s proposed curriculum includes lessons on tongue-kissing black Jesuses, wearing leotards that a person half your age would look silly in and how to rhyme “super-duper” with “Mini Cooper” in the most dreadfully cackhanded way imaginable? No. As People reports, it’s because Madonna is knocking down roughly half of Malawi to build the poxy thing:

“We are told to leave our gardens after this year’s harvest; we are told our houses are to be pulled down – but nobody is talking about compensation,” said Esinati Nkhoma, a local mother of four. “Where will we move to?” … When a journalist asked Madonna whether she was worried about the land concerns, she shouted back, “No!”

Of course Madonna isn’t worried by the land concerns. This is all part of her evil plan. Look – if she evicts villagers from their homes to build a school, then they’ll need jobs to buy new homes. And where will they work? Why, in Madonna’s proposed inappropriate leotard-stitching sweatshop, of course. And they’ll need to work 23-hour shifts every day to cover their rent. And they’ll die young from the stress of it. And then Madonna will adopt their children. And then she’ll drink their spinal fluid to maintain her illusion of youth.

Fiendish, Madonna, fiendish. Completely fictional, but fiendish.

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We’ve always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube.

No, wait, that’s wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can’t stop. Just look at Madonna – she’s already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let’s start again.

Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes…

Adopting David Banda was one of the best things that Madonna ever did. That’s partly because it was a selfless act of philanthropy and partly because the rest of the items in the Things Madonna Ever Did list are ‘having a creepy gap in her teeth’, ‘getting her fanny out in a book’ and ‘Shanghai Surprise‘ so the competition’s not exactly tough.

But although she battled arguments that she bent international adoption law and bullied a vulnerable father into giving up his son until finally the adoption was made official last year, Madonna has found that the shine’s come off having David Banda around, for the following reasons:

1 – He was just one poverty-stricken Malawian orphan out of hundreds of thousands.

2 - He was raised in part by Guy Ritchie, so he keeps saying things like ‘gor blimey’ and ‘luv a bleedin duck guvnor’ in a preposterous mockney accent.

3 - He’s almost four years old now, which we think makes him just a few months younger than the boy she’s currently dating.

So, with all of these things in mind, it’s been reported that Madonna is on the lookout for another African orphan to catch in her net and suck the youthful energy from. Or adopt, depending on what your definition of these things are. Reuters reports:

Madonna has applied to adopt a second child from Malawi, a High Court clerk said on Thursday, despite the controversy surrounding an earlier adoption by the U.S. pop star in the poor southern African country. She may visit Malawi in the next few days, a government official said earlier. The case will be heard around March 30, said the clerk.

It’s going to be tougher for Madonna adopt another African orphan, that’s for sure. True, she may have proved that she’s able to care for one baby – plus the multi-million dollar school she’s building in the country might grease a few palms – but the last time she adopted an orphan, Madonna was in a secure yet slightly nauseating marriage.

This time around Madonna has to prove that she’ll be able to look after a new orphan at the same time as looking after David Banda, looking after Lourdes, looking after Rocco and looking after her new boyfriend – who we hear is so young that he sometimes wets the bed and cries if he’s not allowed to watch Space Chimps on DVD at least twice a day. Like we said, tough.

But whatever happens, we’d advice other celebrities to hurry up if they want to adopt a foreign child. Angelina Jolie already has South East Asia locked down, and now with Madonna and Meg Ryan annexing Africa and China for themselves respectively, just about the only place left for celebrities to adopt if they want to be cool and unique is Merthyr Tydfil. And who’d want a Welsh baby? Ugh.

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