Now that Jesus, Lady Diana and Mother Teresa are all dead (yes, yes, they still live on in our hearts), a variety of celebrities have tried to step up to the plate and save the world from itself. How incredibly noble and altruistic of them.
We’ve got Bono glaring at famine, Geldof glaring at famine, Wogan hiding behind a teddy with one-eye, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie trying to adopt every child on Earth and Madonna… well… pestering Malawi.
And Malawi is, quite frankly, sick of her sticking her oar in.
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Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.
Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.
How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ‘em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?
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Tis the season for leaked nude photographs and, sadly, this time around, it’s a hard-bodied Madonna who we’re getting to gawp at, who, at the time of press, is roughly the same age as the horizon.
That’s right! She’s been having a photoshoot and some wag has leaked some snaps of her before anyone can airbrush.
And yes, she’s topless. So no, they’re totally NSFW. They’re not even SFE (‘safe for Earth’).
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She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.
The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.
But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?
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Madonna. Stupid, canny, very bright Madonna. You can throw what you like at her, but like a wily old street fighter, she ducks and weaves before whupping your ass with a bike chain while your back is turned.
The swine.
See, after the hydrangea debacle, we all flung handfuls of faeces at her and hooted our traps off about how she was a spiteful, ungrateful git. And so, Madonna went and made video to answer everyone’s criticisms.
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Madonna is so far removed from society, that even small gifts from us plebs make her angry. Gestures are just not enough, as we’re supposed to know exactly what she likes or else we’ll incur her stupid, pointless wrath.
We saw this yesterday on these pages as she turned her aged nose up at a lovely flower, brought to her by some bloke in a suit.
And so, this got us thinking. What flower would we give to Madonna if we were unlucky enough to meet her? Opinions were sought around the ‘spray hovel, and some very interesting answers emerged.
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When us mere mortals make some kind of gesture to an incredibly wealthy celebrity, we expect our meagre offerings to be useless to them, but at least met with some vague gratefulness, right?
What on Earth could you offer someone who has probably already bought everything in the world? Including actual humans from Africa.
And so, when someone tried to do something nice for Madonna, instead of simply being pleased that someone wanted to put a smile on that horribly wizened face of hers, she threw it all back at us like a spoiled git.
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Madonna. She made a lot of great pop records. A LOT. She’s a successful business woman (when she’s not setting up failed gyms in Mexico) and owns a record label that launched another bunch of stars.
However, one thing she never got right was the movies.
Not that this has stopped her from releasing a new film called W.E. (it’s about Wallis Simpson and blah blah blah) and everyone is expecting a brown trout of a feature. Why does she bother? Let us peer at her terrible movie past.
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