Articles tagged with: Malawi
Madonna Visits Her Little Malawi Madonna Factory
When Madonna visits Malawi, it tends to be because she wants to adopt another one of its adorable orphans. But not this time. This time Madonna has gone to Malawi to launch her brand new school, the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls. It's a noble gesture - Madonna wants to use the school to "focus on empowering women to become leaders, not like that fat idiot Guy Ritchie". We made part of that quote up. We won't tell you which part. Anyway, it's a great idea - thanks to Madonna the girls will graduate stronger, more empowered and legally recognised as one of Madonna's own children. What's not to love?
When Madonna visits Malawi, it tends to be because she wants to adopt another one of its adorable orphans. But not this time. This time Madonna has gone to Malawi to launch her brand new school, the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls. It's a noble gesture - Madonna wants to use the school to "focus on empowering women to become leaders, not like that fat idiot Guy Ritchie". We made part of that quote up. We won't tell you which part. Anyway, it's a great idea - thanks to Madonna the girls will graduate stronger, more empowered and legally recognised as one of Madonna's own children. What's not to love?
Madonna’s Malawi Adopto-Snatch Made Gloriously Official
When Madonna adopts a child, it's hard. There's the spoon-feeding. There's the bathing. There's the constant threat of incontinence. Yup, that Madonna sure does take a lot of looking after. But little Mercy James is bound to cope. Because, just as we've been expecting all week, the Malawi Supreme Court has finally approved Madonna's request to formally adopt Mercy James and take her home. Madonna has fought so hard for this - it's everything she's always wanted. Until next week when she decides that she also wants a diamond-studded unicorn, and throws another pissy fit when someone tells her no, obviously.
When Madonna adopts a child, it's hard. There's the spoon-feeding. There's the bathing. There's the constant threat of incontinence. Yup, that Madonna sure does take a lot of looking after. But little Mercy James is bound to cope. Because, just as we've been expecting all week, the Malawi Supreme Court has finally approved Madonna's request to formally adopt Mercy James and take her home. Madonna has fought so hard for this - it's everything she's always wanted. Until next week when she decides that she also wants a diamond-studded unicorn, and throws another pissy fit when someone tells her no, obviously.
Madonna’s Adoption Plans Shelved Foreverish
All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth. Or, you know, look after them and give them a lifestyle they could never even imagine. Or whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because it's all off. Madonna has discovered that her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy James from Malawi has been shelved indefinitely. 'Indefinitely' is a deceptively woolly term, so let's try to break it down for you - it's roughly the period of time that Madonna falsely thinks she can still get away with dressing like someone 35 years younger than her.
All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth. Or, you know, look after them and give them a lifestyle they could never even imagine. Or whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because it's all off. Madonna has discovered that her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy James from Malawi has been shelved indefinitely. 'Indefinitely' is a deceptively woolly term, so let's try to break it down for you - it's roughly the period of time that Madonna falsely thinks she can still get away with dressing like someone 35 years younger than her.
Madonna Can’t Have That Orphan She Had Her Eye On
It's a big day for Madonna - although at her age any day that she doesn't shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day. What's the occasion? Why, despite her best efforts, a court has rejected Madonna's bid to adopt Mercy James from Malawi. It's sad news - Madonna had already ordered Mercy 25 genuinely offensive leotards and purchased a special little drill to gap her teeth and everything. What’s Madonna’s next step? Well, she can either appeal against the ruling or adopt a kid from Gloucestershire and just black it up a bit. The second one’s probably easier.
It's a big day for Madonna - although at her age any day that she doesn't shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day. What's the occasion? Why, despite her best efforts, a court has rejected Madonna's bid to adopt Mercy James from Malawi. It's sad news - Madonna had already ordered Mercy 25 genuinely offensive leotards and purchased a special little drill to gap her teeth and everything. What’s Madonna’s next step? Well, she can either appeal against the ruling or adopt a kid from Gloucestershire and just black it up a bit. The second one’s probably easier.
Madonna’s Son Doesn’t Recognise Madonna’s Son’s Dad
The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like. No, wait, that's disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what's the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he's so poor through an interpreter? Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.
The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like. No, wait, that's disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what's the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he's so poor through an interpreter? Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.
Lock Up Your Orphans, Malawi – Madonna’s In Town
Madonna - essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina - is in Malawi. You know what this means? Madonna isn't leaving until she's snagged herself an orphan. It doesn't matter how - whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody's looking - it's going to happen. Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would - otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that's the only reason she's even doing this.
Madonna - essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina - is in Malawi. You know what this means? Madonna isn't leaving until she's snagged herself an orphan. It doesn't matter how - whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody's looking - it's going to happen. Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would - otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that's the only reason she's even doing this.
Madonna Hunts Another Orphan, For A Son Or Boyfriend
We've always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can't stop. Just look at Madonna - she's already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let's start again. Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes...
We've always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can't stop. Just look at Madonna - she's already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let's start again. Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes...
Madonna Gets To Keep Her Adopted Malawian Boy-Slave
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
