Posts tagged as:

malaria

Has Cheryl Cole Been Unceremoniously Dumped From X Factor USA For Perfectly Understandable Accent?

by Mof Gimmers

America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents. And this could well be the reason that [...]

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Javine Wants Someone Who Can Actually Sing On X Factor (So She Can See What A Proper Singer Looks Like)

by Mof Gimmers

Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals. Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth. [...]

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Cheryl Cole Really Doesn’t Want To End Up Like Paula Abdul (Who Does?)

by Mof Gimmers

Cheryl Cole is having a gay old time in America with her career going rather well. He’s got massive hair, a huge salary, gleaming teeth and sunny weather! What more could a young successful woman honestly ask for? Love, you berk. Everybody, as the song says, needs somebody. And with that, Wor Cheryl is looking [...]

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Cheryl Cole Booed For Reasons Other Than Terrible Hair

by Joanna Bolouri

Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore. However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big [...]

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Jennifer Lopez Hasn’t Been Subjected To Cheryl Cole Yet

by Matthew Laidlow

We haven’t seen much of Jennifer Lopez recently. We tried shouting her name every night through the broken windowpane in our rancid bedsit, but we’ve had no success – only letters telling us to pipe down before someone rips out our vocal chords with a butter knife. Suddenly it dawned on us as to the [...]

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Cheryl Cole Is Stressed And Eating Sandwiches With Her Mouth

by Joanna Bolouri

Here at the hecklerspray hovel we’re really happy. In fact we’re so deliriously chipper, we’re like the Von Trapp family, with our editor Mof playing a bearded Julie Andrews and making us all clothing from curtains the last tenant threw up on. So we’d have no idea what it’s like to be stressed, unlike that [...]

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George Clooney Drank The Bong Water To Become Politician

by Mof Gimmers

For some reason, people are under the impression that George Clooney is going to run for office. If he did, he couldn’t be a Democrat because he’s too laid back, even for them. He certainly couldn’t be a Republican because he doesn’t seem mentally challenged in some way. Clooney would have to start a new [...]

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George Clooney Beats Malaria By Making Sweet, Sweet Love To It

by Mof Gimmers

Malaria never really took off as the celebrity illness du jour. Cheryl Cole had it for a while and got the tiniest violin in the world out to moan about facing death square in the face – much like Bill and Ted did in that movie. However, George Clooney’s had a dose of it and [...]

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Cheryl Cole: The Malaria Just Made Her More Angry

by Ralph Sanders

The New Year can be a time of reflection and introspection, a time to think deeply about the things which have happened to us over the past year. A time to slow down and think about bettering ourselves and how we can just generally making the world a nicer place. We don’t, obviously. We just [...]

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Water Comes Out Of Cheryl Cole’s Face While Talking About Ashley To Pudding Faced Piers Morgan

by Mof Gimmers

The past 12 months has been weird for Cheryl Cole. She’s got malaria, which no-one ever gets because it’s a bloody tropical disease… and she got divorced from her husband… which in fairness, is very common in this country. Neither of these things are particularly pleasant to go through, so when prodded and poked by [...]

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