Derren Brown, the British mind magician and all around annoying show off, has wowed the slackjawed public with his latest special, Hero at 30,000 feet, in which he takes a bad actor an average guy and turns him into a hero… at 30,000 feet (this is achieved with a plane in case you haven’t yet realised it).

Now, I’m not one to nit-pick (not true, I really am), but I had a bone to pick with this show. Most people will tell you that it was all staged and that it was done with split screen technology or something equally annoying, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was… Derren Brown appears to have just made a mockumentary version of Donnie Darko.

Let’s examine the evidence. Donnie Matt is an average guy who isn’t fulfilling his potential and is yearning to be special. One night he sleepwalks after being woken up by a mysterious voice that tells him he has about a month until a life changing event will occur. By this point all that’s missing is an 80s soundtrack and some rabbit ears on Brown. I half expected Matt to reveal he was just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a, “stupid man suit.”

Derren, who is now quite obviously channelling Frank the Rabbit, then wakes up Matt again, to bring him into the middle of a field to explain how his life is unfulfilled. We are then introduced to an animal that Matt is told represents power, a crocodile, in the film this part was played by the statue of the school’s mascot. As much as I wanted to see Matt put an axe through its skull it, unfortunately, never happened.

Matt then goes through a series of events that includes theft, breaking into the house of a respected member of society (the police commissioner, who isn’t a paedophile in this show, or so we’re lead to believe) and a feat of super human strength when he breaks out of the strait jacket on the train tracks.

At one point, Brown even says Matt is going through a, “transformation from ordinary to extraordinary,” you know, like that high school kid who could time travel and had superpowers. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Donnie Darko.

But most of all, at the end of the show, a plane carrying some of his loved ones is supposed to be falling out of the sky and only he can save them!

Also the whole thing made about as much sense as Donnie Darko, but at least Drew Barrymore wasn’t in it.

The nation is mourning today as its greatest disc-jockey, Chris Evans, 41, has admitted to taking magic mushrooms, and has therefore broken a Great British law.

A law that clearly states that you must not eat magic mushrooms, citizen. And Chris, our Chris – your Chris, my Chris, everyones a Chris, Chris – has not only defied that law, but he has also broadcast the fact to the general public. He has said:

"It was a Meat Loaf concert, two days before which I’d had rather more magic mushrooms than maybe I should have."

 Now, whether Chris likes it or not, our laws are there for a reason; for the benefit of society as a whole. They are there to protect our freedom, to protect the freedom that our grandfathers died for.

Most upstanding citizens, upon happening upon some magic mushrooms, would automatically grab them in the palm of their hand, make sure no children were within a two mile radius – systematically culling those that were – before incinerating the mushrooms and then themselves, just in case some of it's anti-social spours had rubbed off on said upstanding citizens' hands', all in the name of keeping society together – a concept that Mr Chris Evans seemingly cares for not a jot.

Magic mushrooms, as we all know, cause people to become anti-social. People who take them – perhaps dried, perhaps brewed in a tea, perhaps freshly picked from a Great British, sunlit, autumn meadow – they begin to see things that the rest of society aren't allowed to see; they start to think things that the rest of society aren't allowed to think; and so the rest of society feels completely left out, and if the rest of society – the majority of society – feels left out, then that is bad for society. So why do it, Chris?

Like Eve before him, he has fallen foul to the poisoning temptations of mind expansion. And Eve, of course, was a lady – what's his excuse? What kind of deceitful serpent told him to try this strange fruit? Perhaps it was some insane, drug-crazed homeless fellow with a gift for the gab, or perhaps the directions came from some slippery yet well respected science resource?

Who knows? And who knows what it was that Chris was experiencing that fateful day? Chris does:

"I thought I was chronicling the Albert Hall moving sideways on the back of a giant rock and roll crab — something I didn’t think the world should miss."

Why did he not think the world should miss out on this freakish crab; how would society benefit from such a shared hallucination; what would mankind gain from this? And spare a thought for the crab in all this – it isn't adapted to living life in the city! It wouldn't survive a week out there. They're proud, homely, reserved creatures, just like the rest of our Great British society.

An anonymous man – famed for his alternative opinions – has told hecklerspray that before we condemn mushrooms as the guilty party behind the creation of this uninspirational, massive-crab hallucination, we should first and foremost condemn the artistic reaches of Chris Evans' mind. But this anonymous man just loves to wind people up and doesn't have our best interests at heart – shun him like everyone else does.

Luckily for us all, a good old Metropolitan Police officer has said that the force would investigate any reports of Class A drug taking and – to The Sun newspaper – a police source has said:

 "If Chris Evans has admitted taking magic mushrooms
after they were made Class A we will have to look into it."

And it certainly was after they were made class A's. The maximum sentence for possessing magic mushrooms is seven years' jail or an unlimited fine.

Hecklerspray hopes that an apology will be televised before the sun sets three times, and to remind our benevolent leaders that corporal punishment has it's merits.

If any one is interested in researching further into the dangers of magic mushroom use, or looking for some basic cultivation techniques, then visit this learned website (but please don't misuse it in an illegal way, whatever you do).

Read more:

Evans' big rock 'n' roll crab trip – The Sun

To watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you'd think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn't do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.

And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant. 

So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.

When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.

But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:

"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."

See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.

Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.

Read more:

HOLMES REVEALS CRUISE'S PIZZA MAGIC - PR Inside 

Nothing is sexier than magic.

Seriously. Why, only the other night hecklerspray was out having dinner with a lovely young lady. Things weren't going too well, but – boy oh boy – when we came back from the toilets dressed as Wizbit and clutching a Paul Daniels Magic Box Set, the sparks really began to fly.

You'd think, then, that illusionist-type David Copperfield would have no shortage of opportunities to extend his magic wand. We just bet he pulls off all sorts of tricks – like the famous Flutter Cards In Her Face So She Can't See How Much You Look Like A Used Car Salesman or his trademark Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat And Maybe She'll Forget You're Accused Of Rape. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Yes? Wouldn't you?

Well – you'd think wrong. Just like that time you put a bet on Kerry Katona to win Slimmer Of The Year.

It's claimed that Copperfield has some altogether more interesting methods, you see…

Apparently – wherever his shows are held – David Copperfield makes sure that his assistants are equipped with 'a number of props to reel in the ladies.'

These include: 

… brochures of David's islands in the Bahamas and "blank photo(s) of David (if one of the girls is a Scorpion.)" Apparently "Scorpion" is how David refers to the ‘lucky' females invited to join him on stage. David's assistants are also tutored in how sell their employer to the women he takes an interest in. The document contains the following sample script: "Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in."

Phew. Gettin' a little hot in here, right, girls? After all, if there's one way to snare a vixen, it's to boast about how sickeningly luxurious your lifestyle is in a slightly illiterate tone.

Just ask 50 Cent. 

Read More:

David Copperfield's Creepy Pick-Up Technique Exposed – Entertainmentwise