It takes a lot of work to be described as a legend. You have to be dedicated to what you do and do it well for years of your life. Eventually, your achievement is such that your creation will be on any imaginable number of products that make less and less sense. Imagine your logo on bottle openers and the front of thongs! Imagine! The logo that has become synonymous with the objectification of women or, as others like to think of it, baps and bush.

Imagine you created that. Imagine you’re Hugh Hefner. Just take thirty seconds and imagine that. Have you lost your erection and/or heightened state of sexual arousal? Yes, of course you have.

Shrivelled titfid Hugh Hefner is reported to have moved on from ex-fiancée Crystal Harris,  despite their engagement only ending last week. The renowned smoking jacket wearer is said to have been so aroused by his new ‘target’ that he almost managed to allow enough blood to rush to his flaccid member to allow its non-artificial engorgement. That’s love in the Playboy Mansion.

According to Popeater, the Playboy founder has sparked a romance with Anna Sophia Berglund, better known as this year’s Playboy ‘Miss January’. You might not know her as that, given that you’ve probably yanked your way through five more months by now and have forgotten what she looks like.

“It’s clear Hef has moved on to Anna,” a source claimed while faking climax. The source went on to claim that they had been part of seven-way where Hefner had screamed “GET OFF HER!” at a moment of orgasm which, hecklerspray is led to believe, is the accepted sign that Hef has taken a shine to one of the girls.

Berglund has apparently moved into Hefner’s bedroom, and the two were said to have been kissing and cuddling throughout a recent movie night at the mansion but there was no mention of anything else – thank god.

Earlier this week Crystal Harris called off her engagement to Hefner less than a week before their wedding. Sources close to Harris claimed that the constant female presence in the Playboy mansion had played a significant part in her decision to end the engagement. Celebrity commentators have all let out a collective “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Harris is also said to have been alarmed by the Pope’s recent appearance on a balcony.

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Forget murder and rape and all that jazz – the worst crime a human being can commit is clearly the crime of stealing two magazines and some batteries from an airport.

And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.

Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.

Bai Ling – star of one episode of Entourage, one episode of Lost, several awful haircuts and all of those websites that collects pictures of celebrity nipple slips – doesn't respond well to rejection, it's fair to say.

In fact, it's probably fair to say that Bai Ling is an emotionally-fraught wreck. You'll remember that after Bai Ling was arrested last month for stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries – total worth: $16.22 – Bai blamed it on the fact that she'd split up with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day and the emotional knock turned her into a mean-ass petty kleptomaniac.

It's a great ploy, blaming your mistakes on the bad things that have happened to you – perhaps next week Bail Ling will say she only made Wild Wild West because a cat pooed on her front lawn once – but that's beside the point, because Bai Ling has been charged with the theft, as the Associated Press reports:

Chinese actress Bai Ling was charged Monday with petty theft and accused of shoplifting a pack of batteries and two Star magazines at Los Angeles International Airport. Bai tried to take $16.22 worth of items, said city attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan. She faces a $250 fine. Her arraignment was scheduled for Wednesday, when Ling could contest the misdemeanor infraction or pay the fine, Mateljan said.

A $250 fine for two magazines and a packet of batteries? That seems a little bit heavy-handed to us. Bai Ling shouldn't let the justice system walk over over her like this. She should fight this charge. Bai Ling should fight! With a bit of nous and a refusal to roll over, Bai Ling could set a precedent and go down in history as the woman who made it OK to steal things because you're a bit sad.

Which, we can all agree, is preferable to going down in history as the woman out of Taxi 3.

Read more:

Bai Ling Charged With Petty Theft - AP