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madonna

Madonna’s Malawi Adopto-Snatch Made Gloriously Official

by Stuart Heritage

When Madonna adopts a child, it’s hard. There’s the spoon-feeding. There’s the bathing. There’s the constant threat of incontinence.

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Madonna Gets To Snatch That African Orphan After All

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time to congratulate Madonna. And not because she only got up to pee 17 times last night, although that is her personal best this year.

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Portrait Of Madonna’s Saggy Tits Fails To Sell

by Matthew Laidlow

At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us. Even perverts liked her – they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her [...]

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Madonna’s Adoption Plans Shelved Foreverish

by Stuart Heritage

All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth.

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Police: Madonna’s Horse-Fall Was Her Own Elderly Fault

by Stuart Heritage

So Madonna fell off that horse because a photographer – possibly working for Old Bags On Saddles magazine – spooked it.

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Madonna Knackers Herself On Another Horse

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna is the material girl – specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from.

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WEBTHUMP! Thursday 9 April 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – The best picture of Peaches Geldof you will ever see – Holy Moly

9 – Here’s a collection of murderous Japanese robots – Cracked

8 – This just in: farting during a football match gets you yellow-carded – Manchestereveningnews

7 – You want to hear more stories about men getting their penises bitten off, don’t you? Of course you do – Metro

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Madonna Can’t Have That Orphan She Had Her Eye On

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a big day for Madonna – although at her age any day that she doesn’t shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day.

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Madonna’s Son Doesn’t Recognise Madonna’s Son’s Dad

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like.

No, wait, that’s disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what’s the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he’s so poor through an interpreter?

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Lock Up Your Orphans, Malawi – Madonna’s In Town

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna – essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina – is in Malawi.

You know what this means? Madonna isn’t leaving until she’s snagged herself an orphan. It doesn’t matter how – whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody’s looking – it’s going to happen.

Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would – otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that’s the only reason she’s even doing this.

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