Articles tagged with: madonna
Guy Ritchie Forbids Madonna From Filling His Pool With Water From Heaven
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Madonna Divorce: Is It Guy Ritchie Actress-Banging Time? Already?
The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
Guy Ritchie Compares Madonna To Gristle, The Cockney Charmer
It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
Madonna Tells Sarah Palin To Either Move Or Get A Gap-Toothed Beat Down
At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright. It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna's wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat. Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together - would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is. Sarah Palin may know what it's like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something - because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she's going to kick the Governor's 'ass.'
At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright. It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna's wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat. Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together - would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is. Sarah Palin may know what it's like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something - because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she's going to kick the Governor's 'ass.'
Madonna Divorce: Giant Lawyer-Monsters Hired
So, to recap - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they'll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever. All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers. Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain's largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we'll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.
So, to recap - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they'll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever. All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers. Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain's largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we'll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.
Madonna/Guy Ritchie Divorce: And There’s Your Confirmation
Well that wasn't long - just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we've all been waiting for - the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they're getting divorced. Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna's spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We're starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.
Well that wasn't long - just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we've all been waiting for - the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they're getting divorced. Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna's spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We're starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.
Madonna & Guy Ritchie: Divorced By Christmas
Everyone loves photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie clutching each other's hands in a grimly unconvincing demonstration of love, don't they. So make the most of them while you can, because you might not see any more of them. According to reports, Madonna and Guy Ritchie now hate each other so much that they only communicate through staff, and they're both keen on getting a divorce finalised by Christmas. This really is a win-win - if they're not getting divorced, we get to look at more photos of Guy Ritchie and Madonna in public trying to pretend that they like one another. And if they are getting divorced? Well, that means the rest of us have a shot at the gnarly-clawed single mother and the potato-faced idiot that have just come onto the market. Everyone's happy.
Everyone loves photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie clutching each other's hands in a grimly unconvincing demonstration of love, don't they. So make the most of them while you can, because you might not see any more of them. According to reports, Madonna and Guy Ritchie now hate each other so much that they only communicate through staff, and they're both keen on getting a divorce finalised by Christmas. This really is a win-win - if they're not getting divorced, we get to look at more photos of Guy Ritchie and Madonna in public trying to pretend that they like one another. And if they are getting divorced? Well, that means the rest of us have a shot at the gnarly-clawed single mother and the potato-faced idiot that have just come onto the market. Everyone's happy.
