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madonna

Madonna Possibly Looks In A-Rod’s General Direction! Disgusting!

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

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Madonna Can’t Brainwash A-Rod Into Spending Holiday With Her

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna doesn’t do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open.

And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.

But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.

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STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion

by Stuart Heritage

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on.

That’s not particularly surprising – years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn’t weep holy Kabbalah water – so we’ve come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time.

Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We’ve seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence – that’s literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.

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Madonna Divorces Guy Ritchie, Only Guy Ritchie Seems To Notice

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies, form an orderly queue – Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too.

Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself.

While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed “Thank God.” But that’s not important now – the important thing is that Madonna won’t be involved in any of Guy Ritchie’s films any more, which should elevate them to ‘merely unwatchable’ from their previous status as ‘flesh-clawing suicide-inducers’.

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Madonna/ Ritchie Divorce: The Gristley Nightmare Ends Tomorrow

by Stuart Heritage

It’s always sad when love ends, except for when it’s love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it’s quite funny.

Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow.

The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That’s likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there’ll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don’t know which outcome would make us feel queasier.

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Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake Avoid Each Other Like Mental

by Stuart Heritage

Last night, just about the biggest thing in the world happened – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake reunited for Madonna.

It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna’s Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but – after three seconds in each other’s company – fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process.

Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn’t have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people’s minds off Madonna’s grotty undercrackers, eh?

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Madonna/ Britney/ Timberlake Queasy Threeway – Tonight

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna’s concert in New York tonight.

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

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Guy Ritchie Forbids Madonna From Filling His Pool With Water From Heaven

by Shawn Lindseth

Madonna’s plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and [...]

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Madonna Divorce: Is It Guy Ritchie Actress-Banging Time? Already?

by Stuart Heritage

The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and…

What’s that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn’t take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 – just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce.

Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she’s a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it’s fair to assume that she’s everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that’s the case – great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!

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Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

As normally-functioning human beings, you’ve probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce.

And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.

But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.

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