Articles tagged with: madonna
Madonna - centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is - has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?
Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.
What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong - Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.
Madonna love Malawi, this much we know. Madonna loves Malawi like she loves horrific leotards and getting her arm muscles all veiny.
And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.
A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted - because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.
It's so easy to become richer than your wildest dreams - all you need is a mockney husband, a giant glittery crucifix and a ghastly purple leotard that shows off your old lady's tumpsy in more detail than anyone really wanted.
As far as we can tell, that's been Madonna's trick, and it seems to have done OK for her - a Forbes survey has declared that Madonna is the richest woman in music, earning about $72 million a year.
Ask yourself this, though - does all that money make Madonna happy? Yes, of course it does. But does it make her look less wrinkled and veiny? No is does not. Ergo we win.
Ready for some more chances to make money from unhappy celebrities? Step right up. We're starting 2008 as we mean to go on, by crossing our fingers really hard and hoping that just about every celebrity couple in the land gets divorced and spends the rest of their lives wallowing about in abject near-suicidal misery just so we can make £12.50 from a lucky stab at a bet. And when we say 'we' we really mean 'you'. It's £12.50 that you didn't have before, at least. So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Help, as ever, comes from Paddy Power...
Although the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is really nothing more than a cruel procession of semi-forgotten acts looking back at a time when their hands didn't resemble gnarled vulture claws, it's still nice to be asked.
So Madonna must be feeling rather spiffy jazzed today, because the final line-up of bands to be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year has just been announced and she's on it, along with Leonard Cohen, The Dave Clark Five, John Mellencamp and The Ventures. Come next March, all of these acts will have to trudge down to Cleveland where they'll all be frozen in carbonite like Han Solo and stored away in the bowels of a vast warehouse forever alongside the likes of Little Richard and The Doors, never to make another note of music again.
That's what we want you to tell Madonna if she asks, anyway. OK?
Madonna is a complicated woman. In fact - some might say she's a whole bunch of women stuffed together under one great big cone-shaped bra.
There's the rock star Madonna that puts out movies about gay men tonguing empty bottles of coke, and there's the globally-conscious Madonna that probably reduces green house emissions by reading with only natural light, or by the light emitted from burning servants.
Then there's rural Madonna - all she wants to do is raise animals on a farm somewhere in England. Problem is rural Madonna seems to have been quite intertwined with eccentric fashion designer Madonna, because she's recently changed the colours of several animals she's raising to look like a ROY G BIV diagram, and animal rights folk are up in arms.
Remember how much your mother used to embarrass you in your youth, even though she was essentially just a normal, good-natured woman trying to do the best by you? Just imagine if your mother was Madonna.
Because your Mum probably hasn't writhed around in a skintight leotard or kissed Britney Spears with tongues or marketed a book all about how her minge and tits look. Well, your Mum has, obviously - but most people's Mums haven't. However, all that stuff is Madonna's stock in trade, so we're fairly surprised that her daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon hasn't actually become so embarrassed that she's burst into flames yet. But since Lourdes hasn't self-combusted out of shame, it's thought that she must have some sort of magical power - exactly the sort of magical power that's reportedly caused the producers of the next Harry Potter movie to offer her a role in it.
