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madonna

Madonna Hunts Another Orphan, For A Son Or Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube.

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Guy Ritchie & Jemima Khan: Genuinely Rubbish Couple Alert

by Stuart Heritage

Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn’t like women with stupid accents.

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WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 17 February 2009

by Stuart Heritage

9 – Yet more evidence of why Yahoo Answers is the best website on the planet – Image

8 – How much money did Madonna make last year? An OBSCENE amount, that’s how much – Billboard

7 – Want to see a picture of David Beckham getting choked? OK! – Popsugar

6 – Just what the world needs: a chocolate shortage – ABC

5 – Creepy creepy creepy toys – io9

4 – OCTOPUS WITH A JAR! – I Am Bored

3 – Quiz: can you recognise companies by their logos? Yes you can, but you sure will feel dirty afterwards – Sporcle

2 – The Simpsons title sequence has changed, so we’ll all be able to know instantly whether we’re about to watch a good old episode or a crappy new one – YouTube

1 – Australia seems surprised that this has become a hit on YouTube – News

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Guy Ritchie’s New Girlfriend = Hugh Grant’s Old Girlfriend?

by Stuart Heritage

All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie – they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love.

Or, to be more specific, they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak.

To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen ‘canoodling’ with Jemima Khan – a woman who’s basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.

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Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?

Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving acloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.

However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.

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Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash

by Stuart Heritage

When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn’t about the money – definitely, definitely not.

It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn’t feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn’t divorce Madonna for the money.

Except now Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It’s so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!

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Is Gwyneth Paltrow Schtupping A Billionaire? Would You Even Care?

by Stuart Heritage

Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.

And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
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Madonna Possibly Looks In A-Rod’s General Direction! Disgusting!

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

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Madonna Can’t Brainwash A-Rod Into Spending Holiday With Her

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna doesn’t do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open.

And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.

But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.

Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
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STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion

by Stuart Heritage

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on.

That’s not particularly surprising – years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn’t weep holy Kabbalah water – so we’ve come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time.

Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We’ve seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence – that’s literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
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