At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us.

Even perverts liked her – they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her lady tunnel, she’d legally be classified as a bloke.

Over the years, she has moved on to other career paths. These include picking up an African child as her new plaything and divorcing Guy Richie. Someone captured their time together in a painting which we’d sum up as rubbish. Arty people seem to agree too – nobody bought it.

Now, it’s not like no-one stuck up their hand and offered £5.63, a Twix and their hat. A few bids were apparently recorded, but nobody wanted to piss away £15,000 on a painting of Madonna and Guy Richie.

Of course, we all know that everyone is being financially shafted and hardly anyone can afford to piss away money on total tat. Believe it or not, we aren’t expert art dealers and our invitation to appear on Cash In The Attic and Bargain Hunt haven’t arrived yet. But we know the following:

* The painting was done by Scottish artist Peter Howson who is meant to be quite good. Sadly 93.7% of the public don’t know who he is. If the auction house had lied and said Banksy painted it, some moron would have shelled out £100,000.

* We’ve never seen Guy Richie naked before, only his face. But it appears that he is the human equivalent of The Thing from The Fantastic Four in the portrait. Give him a fake tan to make him look orange and you’ve completed the look.

* Madonna and Guy Richie secretly created the monster from the Cloverfield movie. They both appear to be as tall as the building in the background and don’t really mind unleashing a beast to destroy New York.

*Sadly, the artist Peter Howson has done nothing to make Madonna look vaguely attractive. Surely his brief for the painting can’t have been “make her look as manly as possible, pregnant and strongly resembling something that farmers would use as an alternative as a scarecrow”.

* Just a little bit of work is needed on Madonna’s left tit. Her nipple looks a cherry stone and if you turn your head to the left to gaze at its ugliness, it resembles Pac-Man. We know you’ve just tried it.

But don’t worry dear reader! If you thought you’ve missed out on the opportunity to own a genuine piece of overpriced shit, then you are wrong. According to BBC News:

“The painting is still for sale and we would be delighted to hear from anyone who is interested in this much talked about piece of Scottish art history.”

There are two options here. We all chip in a pound, buy the artwork and stage a mass public burning of it in a randomly picked city centre. Or, the auction house will have to go for a rubbish bid such as £5.63, a Twix and a hat with fluffy clouds pasted all over it.

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